I can't offer any advice, as we had nothing to do with our abusers trial. Since he was a minor we actually received no information. My daughter did not have to testify, and because he admitted to something he was charged (otherwise, I would bet he would have gotten off - but the case worker felt otherwise). If he does have to go to court, I advocate for The Mama Bear Effect, and they arrange to have cards sent (not naming names and to a PO Box) to send to the child who has to testify from all over for support telling the child how brave they are. Do you know if you child will have to testify? Good luck, I am truly grateful that we didn't have to put my daughter through any more than she went through - and I feel for the children who do have to face their abusers and testify.

We had a very small support group because we had moved out of state, howeverr it was very beneficial having others with us that we could rely on. It is very surreal when it is happening. We also had family and friends write letters of how this ordela had affected my daughters and our family. I feel it is very personal and depends on how you feel and what your needs are. The more support certainly cannot hurt especially to confirm the belief they have for the victim. It is a line you will have to decide for yourself as long as the focus reamins on the child, not the supports personal identity. Does that make sense? Sometimes we forget it is about the children and not us, at least at this point. Its a very difficult position as we are affected as well. I had to always keep in mind that it was about my girls being the victims and not me. We are the collateral damage that the perps create but the chiildren have the raw expereince. I am not sure about the other questions you raise. We were in California and each state is different, but in the civil trial there was the possibility I would be required to testify. This is very difficult and you will be scrutinized but alwasy keep in mind the fact that you would never have allowed this to happen and it is the PERPETRATOR who did all of this. Peace be with you.

My children had to take the stand alone. the only family allowed in the court room were the ones that think they are lying. None of us that supported my children were allowed in the courtroom while they testified. There was no screen to shield my child from looking at their grandfather. Their advocate did not get to sit next to them.

They had to testify in person. We simply told them to not look at "him" if they didn't want to. we told them they could turn their chair. They only had to look at him once, to identify him. They could look directly at our attorney and their advocate. Both had established positive, solid relationships with our children. They were allowed to take something to the stand with them to comfort them. A smooth shiny stone to stroke, a tablet to draw on. A build a bear.

It all sound truly awful doesn't it? We all waited in a little room outside of the courtroom and had games and coloring books and snacks. All of our supporters were in that room. We were also 5 hours outside of our town so we didn't have everyone we felt we needed.

Guess what? We didn't need all of our family there, My children had mommy and daddy, our legal team, and their advocate. We were all brave and strong. My children did fantastic. They knew they had a job to do. To go in, tell the truth. I did not do so good. I crumbled several times.

My children have gained such strength and love for their supporting family through this.

We did not have DNA evidence. Our therapists were not allowed to testify. They did call an "expert witness" that testified though.

None of us could be in the court room when our children testified. But we were allowed to be there for the rest.

I am at work right now and feel as if I am babbling. If I missed something, let me know and I will try to help the best I can.

MUCH LOVE and STRENGTH to you!

My children are 10 now, they were 8 at the time of disclosure. I don't know what age yours are/is but in the past, mine have sent cards to children preparing for trial. Just as support. Let me know if we can do the same for you.

I forgot to say. In a small town where my FIL is highly regarded as a foster grandparent, a strong church goer, a community supporter. No DNA evidence. It took the jury less than an hour to decide guilty. 50 years in prison.

Thank you for this. Just reading your experiences helps immensely.

My son will have to testify. (He is five. He was being abused at least since the age of three.) In the state where we live, the child must testify in person. No screen, no closed circuit TV, no talking to the judge in chambers. I understand this has to do with the defendant's right to face his accuser. But the thought of my little boy having to tell his story in front of the man that abused him breaks my heart. My son is too young to know what is going on now. I dread having to tell him about testifying. He has asked to never see his grandfather again. He says he is afraid to see him. But on the other hand, he has also told me that he wants his grandfather to go to jail and that he would help the police if they needed him to.

I just hope he is strong enough to do this. I hope it is the right thing for us to allow him to testify. If he doesn't testify, the case is dropped. Can you imagine how many abusers get away with this when the cases are dropped because the victims don't want to (or aren't able to) go through the further trauma of testifying?

Thank you for telling me about the Mama Bear Effect. I subscribed to their mailing list.

I've been told I have to testify since he first disclosed to me. Of course, I'll be scared and nervous, but I want to testify. At least it's something I can DO. I just wonder if, because I'm a "witness", I won't be able to be in the court room for other parts of the trial, especially when my son testifies. I want him to be able to look at his Mama if he is scared.

Love to you all.

I am sorry that your baby was abused.
Our perp entered a plea at the last minute but we did have to prepare our baby (11 at time of court). She went through "court school". She met with the prosecutor, court advocate, VOC advocate and was educated regarding court etiquette, if you will, how to avoid looking at her grandfather, the perp, etc. It really helped to prepare her. According to our prosecutor, verdicts have been overturned if the child did not testify in front of the monster. It is just not an option.
We often had supporters with us for the major court dates. We needed them and thank God they were there.
We celebrate the anniversary of our daughter's disclosure and call it "Hero Day." What an extraordinary baby you have. Superheroes have nothing on him!
My prayers to you and your family. It was a huge relief to get the prosecution over with-so much stress!

My children thrived on how brave they felt. Yes, they were scared. We kept identifying with their fear and commending them for being so brave and strong. We told them not only are they standing up for themselves, but they are helping all the other children that may be hurt by this man. We didn't say it to make them feel responsible, but to make them feel empowered.

I no longer believe that "everything happens for a reason". But I do believe that good things can come out of horrible situations. My children now know a strength, and pride, that I don't think they ever would have felt had they not done this. It runs so deep into their core.

That being said, your baby is five. You tell him that mommy can't be in that room with him when he testifies but you are there, inside his heart. I gave each of mine a piece of jewelry to remind them.

It may sound corny but before we left to go to the courthouse, I drew a little red heart on my 2 youngest's chests over their own heat. I told them that is where I will be. And that I would be waiting for them right outside the door.

I am so very sorry you have to face this hell. You have our full support.

Lusks1--You gave me a lot of good ideas. Thank you. I can only hope that testifying will be a cathartic experience for him. A chance to take power back.

How long in advance did you children know they had to testify?

mamablue - if you feel letters would help, send mamabear and email and she will arrange and petition for people to send cards of support. Like I said, she uses a made up name (something strong and brave that you can decide together) and has them sent to a PO Box so that none of your information is compromised. Feel free to message me for any other information. I hate that any child has to go through this and feel like our system is so screwed up.

We had a great advocate and attorney. They attorney spoke to each one of my kids. First as a family. Then, 1 on 1 so she felt confident the kids were being honest and not persuaded by our presence.

She told them so many things. First she said what he did is wrong. And illegal. She explained that, as children, when they break the rules, they are grounded, have a toy taken away, etc, When an adult breaks the rules, the law, they are also punished. Each of my children said they wanted him to go to jail. It was very difficult to watch them struggle with that because they do still love him. And the attorney said that is okay to still love him.

They knew right away that they had to take the stand. And they knew right away they would be doing it alone. I am glad because it gave us time to learn to dealt with that. It cam e down to being compared to a job. Or chores. We don't always enjoy our jobs, or chores, but it is something we have to do.

Of course throughout all of this they were told how strong and brave they are. That what happened to them is wrong but it was not their fault. They did not do anything wrong. If he goes to jail, it is because of what he did, not because of them.