UGH!!! I am really tired. I have gotten better at faking my ok'ness at work and with my family. It is actually easier to be normal when I am around people. It helps to take my mind away from my thoughts. I still want to slowly gut that son of a bitch, but I seem to be getting better at hiding my anger. I have found that I have become ADD and obsessive since my daughter's outcry. When I am alone I tend to obsess over a thought. For instance, I recently took up Jiu Jitsu. I find myself obsessing over training and making improvements. I over analyze my mistakes and start brainstorming on what I should have done during training. Now, I love Jiu Jitsu. It is a great stress reliever. But the downside is now I get more ideas on how I could inflict bodily suffering on the above mentioned crap bag.

This happens with most anything that is going on. What I have to do the next day, What improvements I would like to make to my home, Growing a vegetable garden, etc. It's especially annoying at night when I try to sleep. I wake up a lot and it is wearing on me. I'm also having a hard time staying on task at work or at home. I used to be able to focus. Now I skip from task to task to distraction (you tube, this website, etc.) and never seem to get anything done. Every time I am alone with my thoughts, they turn to my daughter's abuse and I try to redirect myself to some distraction. Sometimes when I help her with home work I think of that motherfucker putting his hands on her and I want to vomit, cry, scream, and KILL HIS ASS. Then I calm down and get back to what's important, my little girl. Of course she would never guess what was going through my mind. Like I said, I have gotten good at faking it.

The last few days have been exceptionally hard. It all started Tuesday night. My daughter is 14 and she requests my assistance with her math homework nightly. So, I was helping her with her homework and we were joking around like always. I told her that if she didn't get back to her math then I was going to write her name on the board and every time I put a check mark by her name she would have to (trying to think of something really gross, I stated the following) wash my feet. She laughed and said "Gross, I hated having to do that at mom's house." So homework talk stopped.

I said "WHAT!!!!!" She then went on to tell me that when she lived with her mother and her abuser that her "mother", AKA devil incarnate, would make her lotion and rub her mom's and her abusers feet. And this was not a one time deal. This was a regular thing. Then my thoughts turned to my poor daughter being forced by her mother to lotion and rub her abusers feet. She said afterwards she would scrub her hands. I confirmed this with my son.

For those of you that have seen the Friday the 13th movies. Do you remember when the screen showed Jason Vorhies walking after someone and in the back ground was the whispering of "kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill,kill, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die"? That's how I felt. The agony of having to rub her abusers feet. Firstly, taking the abuse out of the equation, WHO THE HELL MAKES THEIR 8 YEAR OLD CHILD LOTION AND RUB HER BOYFRIENDS FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This, playing the judicial waiting game, and knowing there is still air in that ass hat's lungs is excruciating. I hope this gets better after the trial. And he should hope he spends the rest of his years in prison. I can assure you all, if the justice system fails my daughter, I will have his head. It may be years from now, after the kids are grown up and on their own, but one way or another justice will be served.