Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
To all parents of sexually abused children who are abuse survivors themselves - > is there anything you wish your non-offening caregivers would have said, told you, done, when you were young victims ? I am a survivor of emotional abuse by my mentally unstable, often violent mother (with whom I have a positive relationship now). I wish someone had said, at the time, that the abuse was not a natural consequence of my existence or my personality, that I was proper, clean and beautiful, both physically and spiritually. That I was loved even if I misbehaved from time to time. That I was loved, no matter what.THAT IT WAS NOT mY FAULT. I am trying to find words to give some comfort to my own children now, two toddlers sexually abused by their grandfather, my FIL.
My father was an alcoholic at the time. I explained to my mother that he had been drinking before the assault. Her response. "Well. Even "if" something did happen, your father was drunk and wasn't aware of what he was doing. He probably doesn't remember anything. Besides, what do you want me to do about it?" (The obvious: to believe me and not use his alcoholism to excuse his behavior). Also. I told her that while my father had been drinking, he wasn't so drunk that he was oblivious to what he was doing. He was lucid and very conscious of the assault. He talked to me the entire time. . .etc.
The next day, she was really angry with me. She went from denial, defending my father and then to "blame" All within 24 hours. She told me that, "You must have done "Something" to cause your father to behave like this. You must have wanted the attention."
My father never acknowledged the incident, my mother never brought it up again. Neither did I. I remained perpetually angry. My only consolation, is that, I physically fought my father off during the assault. (He had me pinned up against the wall. )Once he backed down, i said, "If you EVER touch me again, I'll kill you!" I meant every word.
With that, my father left the house, the door slamming behind him.
So this is what I would say in answer to your question. Believe your children with all of your heart. (You do). Never blame your children for what happened, (I know you wouldn't). Don't make excuses for the perpetrator (you haven't).
As far as what to say to your toddlers now, simply let them know that what their grandfather did was wrong and that you are so very sorry that someone they love and trust has hurt them. My daughters were 5 when they disclosed their sexual abuse, so i don't know exactly how to convey these concepts to a much younger child. But there are plenty of parents in this group that do!
As your children grow you will certainly have the opportunity to express more fully what you wish someone had said to you.
As survivors, we can, to a certain extent, use our experience to guide us in what to say to our children. But it's tricky. I always have to remind myself that my daughters experience was their own and "not assume" they'd feel and react in the same ways that I did. It's a very fine line.
I am very happy that you've a healthy relationship with your Mother now. This is so rare. I tried to make peace with my father over the years, but he wasn't interested.
I disclosed as an adult, and while my mother said she believed me (it was her brother), her first words were, "Don't tell your father, it would kill him." (My father met my mother through his friendship with my uncle, and why that would have killed him is beyond me, as I was his least important child.) My mother then continued the exact same relationship with her brother as she always had, friendly and cordial, as did my father, who had to be protected from the truth.
Even as a mature adult, it would have been a lot better to not have the whole thing swept under the rug. I was not safe enough to tell as a child, and can easily imagine being accused of being "too sensitive" and having misunderstood what really had happened. My uncle was the fun adult, deacon of his church, everyone's favorite, and I was often labelled as sensitive when what I had to say wasn't what they wanted to hear.