Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi there,
I found out about my daughters sexual abuse this summer. I was snooping thru her room, because she was in such a bad place, completely shut down, self harm etc. (she's 12). I stumbled on a journal and it disclosed historic abuse from when she was five or six. The perp she named was "step dad"
I called mobile crisis asap, and they reported for me.
She was already away for the week, but I kept her out of the home for a few more weeks as I got things in motion with police interview etc. I had to advocate for myself to get that for my daughter, as cps didn't see the journal as sufficient proof. I needed answers.
I asked her about the journal and if she wrote was true, she said yes. I asked her who she meant by "step dad", and she named my husband.
I just said ok, and dropped it for the time being as this was pushing it with her.
She wouldn't disclose hardly anything at the police interview, she gave a few specifics but nothing that could be used to press charges.
The police and social work told me it's in my hands, if I feel the home isn't safe, etc. But there is no reason or evidence to press charges or remove child. This tore me apart. Why couldn't they decide for me!?
My husband, who i showed the journal too immediately when I read it, texted me when I left the house upset and said, "I don't know what's going on, but I know i did not do that"
I had a close friend/social worker act as a mediator the day I came back from talking to my daughter about the journal, to talk w my partner and tell him it was verified she meant him in the journal. He said he would do anything necessary, police, social worker, etc. He stayed firm on not knowing what event she is meaning and that this isn't something he did. I didn't ask him repeatedly. My friend did ask, Is there some way something could have happened that was interpreted as wrongful touching etc.? anyways.
I didn't tell him to leave. My daughter stayed visiting friends all summer.
Everyday I'm torn. Do I stay here, with the family I have built, with my partner of 11 1/2 years, and always feel suspicious, scared and triggered
Or do me and my daughter leave and start over.
I have two step children we have kept full time for 6 years and a 4 year old child together.
My daughter refuses counselling, and refuses to talk about it at all. I have asked her a few times what she truly needs and what that looks like, it always ends w... Just me and u mom, let's go some where else.
She wasn't ready to disclose,. Also i have always had suspicion of trauma for her but not by my partner. I wasn't sure who, but she just exhibits all the signs.
There have been some major shifts in the house hold. I focous primarily on her, and I discipline her on my own etc.
My husband is legit a good man, sensitive, sweet, busts his ass for his family. We both come from addiction and poverty and are in long term recovery and are not in poverty any more.
Although I gamble like a savage right now (ugh)
Sorry this is long all over the place I feel like I've read every post in here. There is so much more probably to my story and dynamics. But I guess my biggest questions are:
How many perps actually admitted to abuse?
If your experience is like mine, a young teen, disclosing about historical abuse, did the perp admit, did you leave asap? Did it take time? Did you still love your husband?
I believe my daughter because I told her no matter whT I would. And when I was young alllllll I would have wanted is to be believed and validated. But maybe I kinda believe my husband too? At least that he doesn't remember? He doesn't know?
Do I wait for my daughter to disclose more?
Is it possible she mixed him up with someone else?
(my partner and I were on and off for a few years)
He has talked about suicide and i have never heard him speak like that. He's raked his mind for every possibility. He had to go off work they sent him home one day, he was a mess. And I'm not defending him I'm stating what happened. I stayed working, and threw myself into it hyper focousing, any free moment I fell apart.
This is so painful. We are so close, we've been thru everything together.
I'm so torn and stuck. I have to leave my family, don't I?
I need some one to tell me what to do. Please.
Being a sexual abuser seems to have a funny effect on the abuser's honesty and willingness to work hard. Suddenly it's a matter of wracking his memory to find "reasons" why someone would accuse him of well-documented abuse, and I'll bet he hasn't volunteered to move out (at the very least). He's getting a free ride at the moment, and the benefit of your doubt. He talks of suicide because he's trying to turn your focus back on him, so that you take pity, mercy. It's all he has left, is to try to finagle his way out of this.
Meanwhile, your daughter, whom you believe, is living in exile. If it's for her own protection, then perhaps you should also be worried about whom in the house your partner will now select to receive his "affections." He gets all the comforts of home and a shoulder to cry on (yours). Your daughter's stated wish, which is to be with you, receives your unstated reply of: "Maybe later."
Your daughter needs you full-time. Eleven and a half years, in the life of a 12 year old, is almost her entire life. So he is not stepdad in terms of her daily reality, but a complete presence in her life. Not only the abuse itself, but repeated exposure to an abuser sets a child up for serious mental health problems. One of these is called compartmentalization, walling off a section of her brain where memories of the abuse are stored. She can get through the day because she cannot access these memories freely. It's a form of denial, a subject with which you are familiar from your active addiction days. Your daughter has already told you what happened and -- and this is golden: she has tried her damnedest already to document and process the abuse (a huge advantage for her when she eventually does get into therapy; I hope you are keeping that diary locked in a safe for which your partner has no key, as it will be a powerful weapon in court). She may be terrified that therapy will require her to relive these poisonous memories -- and they truly are poisonous. Our brains and nervous systems are set up so that we remember with our whole bodies; we can't talk about something horrifying without placing ourselves mentally in the same situation, feeling the same feelings. This is why your daughter may have put in place that mental wall: to protect herself from reliving the abuse. As I said, the walling off means she can get through the day -- she has very powerful motivation not to want to seek therapy, if therapy means she will have to talk about everything.
Fortunately, there's a therapy called EMDR that helps trauma victims deal with memories, anxiety and depression by focusing on only one thing at a time. Initially, your daughter may want to talk only about something unpleasant that happened at school. The help she receives in reprocessing that small episode can help train her brain to reprocess other memories. She will begin to feel a purpose for therapy before she even begins to deal at all with the sexual abuse. Please look into EMDR for your daughter, as you begin to form a plan for disentangling yourself from your partnership. This would also be a good time to review your 12 steps with regard to gambling, so you have more resources for helping your daughter and yourself.
I'm so sorry you're enduring this nightmare. Learning that my daughter was sexually abused as a child is the most painful experience I've ever known. All those years I didn't know, and couldn't help. She was 23 when she finally disclosed, and addicted to opioids in a false effort to deal with the pain. Your daughter has an 11-year advantage on my daughter -- a stretch of time through which she can learn to deal positively with her feelings and stay away from drugs.
I will be thinking of you.
This all gives me something to think about at a different perspective as you are not in my immediate circle. It is hard to sign thru everything. I have disclosed this information to a few friends, who all support whatever decision I make, but are not biased to any side. This makes it difficult. I am a strong woman. This has been trying on me. I also compartmentalize this. I have to to function. I am a social worker in a medical setting for a very high risk population, and I am consciously and sub consciously preparing to go on sick leave. My boss knows about what happened. My psychiatrist doesn't know, but is always willing so sign me off work due to our trusting relationship my job, and mental health. I have bipolar 2/pstd.. And fill in blank else lol.
I am maintained on medication. But so much has been brought into reality, have I had to he medicated because I knew something was wrong and had to quiet myself?
I am a survivor myself of some horrific childhood sexual abuse.
This makes things so messed up. I am always on high alert.. How did I miss this? I know it's not my fault. But this is one of the reasons I created a alcohol and drug free home. The time frame stated in the diary puts the event of abuse in my early recovery tho.. And not in my home I just don't understand where and when this happened. She won't say and shuts down. I truly believe she wasn't ready to disclose and now im retraumatizing her by asking her. I do not push it tho.
So sorry this is so long, I have so many jumbled thoughts and im sick of venting to the same friend and that's all we talk about or where the convo always goes. It's so nice to write this out.
Everyday I look for housing for me and her and there was a perfect place and I went and looked at it, but I didn't jump on it and it's gone. Now I'm looking still, still stalling. I want a place very close to where we live now, due to my sons daycare and daughter school. My husband works like 12 hours a day so I will more than likely be picking up my son in the a.m. I figure I will have him on the weekends I don't know if that is the best situation but I also don't want to disrupt his whole life right away, he's an innocent bystander in all this. Eventually I'm sure I would keep him full time, even tho I know it will kill my husband. Yes I know it sounds like im protecting him. It's hard not to, I didnt choose this, the day before I found out this info he was my best friend, my confident, my everything, my family. He still feels like those things but not. It just takes me to my child hood. It's so fucked up. Everything is.
I just can't believe he did it, but the more time that goes by, the more I do.
I wish my daughter would tell me more information, something. But honestly would that really make me doing anything. I feel like a weak loser
It sure is easy to say we will put our kids first until it comes down to it.
This is so hard.
Thank you for being here and letting me process this.
I'm so sorry.
Please rest assured that you missed NO signs. You saw the after-effects -- signs of trauma -- but no hint as to the cause. ALL of us here -- even those who were not in any type of recovery -- were blind-sided by this revelation. It is so antithetical to the way we believe children's lives should be that it's simply unbelievable to discover the truth -- except that you DID believe your daughter, bless you. Some of us considered ourselves to be helicopter parents, and still this happened. Why? As you know: because these people are weasels, snakes, devils who live to manipulate and get their way. They will convince you that they are on your side and adore your children. In hindsight, you might remember ways in which they seemed too good to be true. That's part of it, as is threatening children into silence and submission. My daughter, 20 years later, is still convinced that her abuser will find me and my husband, and kill us, as he promised her. I could kick that wienie's ass with a spatula and a rolling pin. But he raped my little girl violently, and that's why she's convinced of his power. And in one way, at least, he was indeed powerful -- he robbed her of her childhood just like that.
Who do you know is a charmer, an extraordinary lover of children, a gift-giver. Has your daughter ever been in contact with the person/people who sexually abused you? Could "step-dad" refer to YOUR step-dad, for example? Only if you can think of another likely suspect would I consider that it was not your partner.
Here's the thing: if you separate from your partner, and later your daughter is willing to discuss details that indicate that it was someone else, you can get back together with "step-dad." Mistakes among adults can be forgiven, but not protecting a child...that's a tougher call.
It sounds like you're giving careful thought to your priorities. We all regret terribly that we did not know about the abuse the moment it happened, but it's forgivable. We don't regret doing whatever we can to help our babies, whatever their ages. I hope you'll join those of us who have put our survivor children's needs first and ensured that they and their perpetrators have no contact. It will be good for your mental health.
I talked before Bout me having suspicions of prior trauma, I assumed this was from when I was in active addiction. She seen things and lived in places that today I would never allow. I was a teen parent. I work thru this regret with the help of the 12 steps.
So abuse may be mixed up w a prior encounter, and she is confusing the perp.. But i mean am I just grasping for straws.. Am I just in denial?
The diary is in a safe place the police photocopied the page as well and I have pictures along with documentation of all events from moment of disclosure until briefly after police interview.
I have a few decisions to make and act on that are hard and uncomfortable: go off work, move. I need to make dates for when this happens. Today I went thru a lot of my clothes etc Nd thru a lot out and just started to mentally prepare to move.
As Naive said she has stated her wishes although my personal thought is as the adults we make the hard decisions to do the right thing we don't leave it to children to figure out. I can imagine she feels horrible about everything although nothing is her fault. She needs therapy but my guess is until you actually show her you care by kicking the perp out...why on earth would she choose to care about herself?? No you need to act first.
Now I'm in 12 step and you seem to be on that course for longer than I. So I know you have support that many don't have stepping into the horrors of this situation. You have tools to get through this and I know you know you can. In 12 step I have heard the worst of the worst of what people have been through....lived through and managed to pull out of. If your so is in 12 step he has the support he needs to and likely a couch to crash on.
Talk to your sponsor, talk to your counselor, phsycologist. Get to groups and I doubt I have to say anything about the gambling. You know what you are doing...you know what you need to do.
I like the idea of telling SO you need time and space to figure this out. You don't owe him more than that. I bet he is scared to death and he should be.
I talked to my sponsor yesterday and told her about this group. I know that nothing is permanent.. And have to stop acting as if it is. Her not disclosing further because she is still in the home really struck a cord with me. I dont want to kick out my SO due to the fact that I don't want to care for all the children on my own. Two are my step kids. My daughter has requested we move. I want to respect that request. Also it would be so hard to be in our family home. I also want to find a home we can have a pet to help with my daughters healing. She loves animals but we have not ever lived somewhere w animals. And yes that would be leaving him with other kids. But he hasnt been found guilty by authorities, or even enough info to start an investigation or for them to even talk to him. So until more is revealed I can't legally keep him from his children anyway.
What do u guys think. Please be honest I need it.