Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I'm glad I found This. Four years ago my 20 year old daughter told me she was abused by her step dad from age 4-14. Her father was not in her life. I actuall Caught him peeking in as she was showering one morning and I left Him that weekend. That was when she was 14. She is now 24 and she moved 500 miles away at the age of 22. To go to school for a masters degree. She has a BS in psychology and a masters in I /O psychology which I believe She chose that field to try to overcome what happened to her. But she messages me and says I think I have PTSD or Borderline disorders or some other syndrome. I've begged her to go to a counselor. I'm praying she will. As for me The hurt for what happen to her is as deep as hurt can get. How could I miss it? How could it happen and she not tell me? I feel Anger towards him. I want To see him hurt. I dont Know what I would do if I were to see him in person. How do I help Her? How do I make Life ok for her? How do I forgive? I cannot Even look at her childhood pictures without crying. I cant Stop the thoughts. She was 4 when it started. How can a man look at a 4 year old that way?
First, I would like to ask you to please have a look at www.mosac.net for answers to the endless questions that arise from this nightmare.
Second, I want to tell you how much we have in common. Although the man who raped my daughter when she was 8 was an unrelated neighbor, my daughter also waited 15 years to disclose this earth-shattering information. Oh, the wasted years when I could have supported her! When I could have prosecuted that Nazi! When she might have recovered some sense of self-worth! But, like you -- and like ALL the parents here -- I "missed it," too, although the signs were all there: anxiety, depression, and really strange fears for an 8 year old -- such as fear of becoming pregnant. I told her there was no reason for her to be concerned because sex was something grownups did. No idea that a grownup was doing that to her already. I didn't know the signs. Once, one of her many therapists asked me if my daughter had a history of sexual abuse. Well, OF COURSE NOT, I said, thinking, Wouldn't I know??? Hence my username here: Naive1 (I added the .2 when the website crashed years ago and we all had to reopen our accounts....) The reason my daughter never told me was because the Nazi had promised to kill me and the rest of our family if she did. He convinced her that he could see her from his house, and that he would know if she told us. So.....that worked.
My daughter also majored in psych. A large percentage of psych professionals were driven to the field by unresolved trauma.
Please let your daughter know that PTSD is recursive (can be triggered again and again), and that every symptom of borderline lines up with PTSD. "Mysteriously," borderline is overwhelmingly a female disorder. "Mysteriously," it is perceived to be an intractable personality "flaw," a life sentence, whereas male sufferers of PTSD are regarded sympathetically and urged to seek therapeutic care that, "mysteriously," also seems to benefit those diagnosed with "borderline." As you can guess, I think "borderline" is not a separate diagnosis, but rather is a belittling, infantilizing, and sexist name for the same PTSD soldiers experience. This is also because people are more willing and able to imagine the horrors of war (or first-responder work) than they are to put themselves in the shoes of a child being subjected to the torture of sexual abuse.
If your daughter believes she has PTSD, she probably does, and she deserves the same treatment that a grateful nation provides to members of our armed forces. And, as she probably already knows, for ethical and practical reasons, therapists are required to seek therapy routinely, both to understand how the process works (and to understand how it feels to be a patient/client), and to unload the pain of caring for others as well. So, not only is there no shame in your daughter's seeking professional care -- it's often a requirement for professional certification (and beware a practitioner who opts to skip this step because she/he believes she "doesn't need" therapy!!). EMDR has been shown to be very effective with flashbacks and trauma-based anxiety/depression.
Would your daughter recommend anything less to a colleague who was suffering as she is?
A final note: despite the incredible guilt we parents feel, ultimately, we cannot make life okay for our kids. In fact -- trust me on this -- often the work our kids do to make life better for THEMSELVES is the help that lasts. I tried to make life better in every way, and only ended up -- inadvertently -- enabling poor life choices.
Here is what you CAN do for a young adult who is struggling to take a difficult step: love her, pray for her, treat her with kind acceptance...and take care of YOURSELF. When we give in to despair, our kids see that, and it validates their worst fears, that they have somehow ruined our lives by disclosing. Exercise, stick to routines that work, etc. It can take awhile, but keep trying. And write here, often. This group saved my sanity, and may have saved my life.
Arbed, glad you found this board and hope it will help you. I would just add that you probably have PTSD to some extent too. "I can't stop the thoughts" is part of that, that I experienced too.
How true! 1000%! (Thanks for mentioning that, brknhrt.)
It's safe to say that almost all of us here suffer second-hand PTSD, which simply means that the original trauma did not happen to us, but to a person or people we love beyond measure. Our PTSD lifts as we see our children progress, but it can take a long time.
Therapy is essential.
• PHYSICAL PAIN: a regular sensation of a mild electrical shock running through my body (lasted for about a year?); alternating with the need to sob or the feeling of suppressing a sob; and actual tears
• LOSS OF IDENTITY: I was not the great mother I had believed, but a fraud; fifteen years of my life had been a complete lie
• FLASHBACKS: of all the moments I "should have" realized that something was really wrong AS WELL AS of all the moments I thought, "Nice job, Mom!"
• TRIGGERS: seeing happy children at the grocery store and at the schools where I taught. ALL forms of entertainment -- everything hinged on trauma of one kind or another, and certainly nothing made me laugh. Family pictures, esp. those where (as hopefulmama said) my daughter's smile was faked, or pained; I put away almost every picture that had been on display.
• DEPRESSION: While I was not actively suicidal, I hoped every night before bed that I would not wake up the next day. And I was in active mourning for the daughter I had lost, the one he killed: the happy, confident one who was replaced by an anxious, depressed girl with no self-esteem, who began struggling in school and hanging out with "troubled kids" (I didn't know why she identified with them so much, not know that she was truly troubled herself).
Therapy helped, and I agree with brknhrt: be an informed shopper. It took awhile before I found one who totally got it. Yet, even with the false starts, it was good for me to be able to state my truth out loud, to begin to examine all of my confusion with someone trained to listen and guide the process. I am so glad you have made an appointment. Please keep up with your course of treatment.