Gosh, my first thought was "RUN!" I don't know how wise that is, but you definitely need to discuss all of this with your therapist ASAP and figure out how to disengage from this critical, controlling person who isn't the man you thought you fell in love with. I sense that he is jealous of any attention you give to your kids. They need your attention, though, and you need to put yourself first so that you can give them the attention they deserve.

I can only speak from my own experience in a hard marriage. I've been through well we have both been through a lot in sixteen years. He has a narcissistic and addiction tendencies. We have three small children and I stay at home also. I have felt and dealt with everything you've listed off. I could have done what many do fly the nest and hope for something better. But I decided instead to give this a go and it worked. a friend and I did a study called the God Empowered Wife. If you aren't a believer I still think the study has value in that it is all based on men and women and our relational design.

If it's a choice between being miserable with the man and doing nothing or taking a small risk to see what happens?! I say go for it. It will at least make things very interesting!!! In 16 years I've learned to enjoy surprising my husband shaking things up keeping him guessing. As long as it is doing it in a positive direction. I also had to learn how to be happy with who I am and what I am doing. And let that carry me not my husbands short comings. The truth is my husband has a lot to overcome but he also has a lot of good qualities.. I dont envy him that. I'm not going to let it Rob me of my joy. The parenting thing probably is the most challenging but I found as I worked through the study as he started reacting positively to what I was doing in other areas it tempered the power struggle in that area.

I know it is difficult and I've lost hope several times that we'd make it but here we are. I'm happy and he seems reasonably happy lol and that's good for me. What makes me most happy is that my children have a dad that they need. I don't recall if your kids are his also. But I think it's worth making it work.

If he is willing to do counseling great. I don't feel any guarantees that I can do this forever or will have to but if it keeps moving in the direction it is I'm content content. Being home with my kids is a gift for them and I feel very blessed to do this in this season especially with what they are going through. Enough loss for our family for sure. Gods got a good plan for your life.

Naive, I try to explain it to my therapist but I never have the right words. She keeps saying that I need to discover his love language....But it seems like his love language is yelling at me! haha! hearts, I appreciate what you said. It also reminded me to be grateful for the things that he does give me, such as the ability to stay home with my kids. Are you and your husband lovey towards each other? Do you do date nights or anything or are you mostly with the kids? Thank you for your help and inspiration!

I admire so much about heartsx3, and this is just another example of why I do. It takes enormous strength to stay in a situation with someone who makes you unhappy (at the moment, at least -- but without a doubt) for the sake of the kids. Women used to have no choice at all in the matter, so knowing that staying is only optional is surely both liberating and terrifying -- what if you make the wrong choice, either way? There's no accurate way of predicting.

I'm unfamiliar with the program Heart recommends, but I do know how attending Al-Anon has helped me to live better with the wounded behaviors of my daughter, who only disclosed two years ago, as an adult. I sense that Heart's program and mine have some cross-over in that it sounds as if both focus on what you and I can do to change ourselves -- our reactions, our ability to focus on what is good for US -- rather than on trying to change one's "problem person." As we all eventually learn in life, we lack the power to change anyone but ourselves, and only have the ability to influence their behavior by demonstrating what it means to care about oneself. Here's that old Serenity Prayer again:

God, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change [i.e., just about everything in the universe],
the courage to change what I can [i.e., my own darn self],
and the wisdom to know the difference [sometimes the trickiest part of all, although I will never be able to accept what has happened to my daughter -- even though I acknowledge it as the truth, I will never be able to accept it].

Being gentle with yourself will ensure that SOMEONE is being gentle with you, and I guess as long as your husband's nastiness stops short of physical abuse or emotional abuse, then you're probably safe. However, it sounds as if he has crossed that latter line, and that's often an indication that he is capable of crossing the former as well, so that's why I advise CAUTION, and that you maintain a willingness to scram if necessary.

As for your therapist, really? Belittling people isn't "love language," and it's really up to HIM to change what he says. Yes, you can ACCEPT what he says, but know that he is being a rotten example of the kind of supportive spouse your daughter will need, especially now that she has such a strong reason to distrust men. Yes, you can CHANGE the way you treat yourself, and this may inspire your husband to lay off, but if it doesn't, you need to keep your options open. I would wonder what your therapist's agenda is, if she hasn't prioritized civility as the baseline of communication in your home. She can give you pointers on how to communicate ("when you say X, I feel hurt," and "when you say X to our daughter, I fear that she is in danger of losing faith in herself altogether," etc., but she needs to be very clear that YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. He may change in reaction to your beginning to treat yourself lightly, but that is up to him. (And again, it is especially worrisome that he seems to believe that this could be your fault -- clearly, at the very least, he lacks necessary education on this subject.)

That said, I wonder what would have happened to my marriage if our daughter had disclosed closer to the age of her abuse. I think this crime tears at all of us parents so deeply that it could threaten to undo the strongest marriage. Again, I probably would have had a somewhat "easier" time because the perp was not related to us, so there was no division of our families into "believe the child" and "defend the perp" factions. Would my husband have blamed me for what I could not control? Quite possibly, because I was "at home," and "in charge" of the kids' whereabouts. You have some very deep, internal questioning to do -- and possibly a new therapist to seek -- before you can find your answers, but certainly be good to yourself. While it may not change your husband's mind, you will be modeling good self-care for a child whose trauma might lead her to believe she does not deserve such deep, basic care. I see this all the time in my grown daughter, and it kills me that I didn't have the information I needed to help correct her self-misperceptions when she was young.

We don't do date nights but every many months because of finances and children we are in an intense parenting season. ,it is the grinding it out getting through. Of course it isn't always horrible no lots of joy also with our kids but we can't do as many things for us. We don't have family support either. My husband and I were very affectionate early in our marriage prior to kids and now I feel finally the love between us is growing and we see each other as allies not enemies. Another one you can Google is laugh your way to a better marriage. He has some great stuff. The reason I like the study I mentioned and as Naive related it doesn't require any cooperation or participation from your spouse. When things are volatile I find It better to step back and pray. However there is a difference in that you are not married but engaged. Although you may feel as though there is little difference you still have more freedom to set some expectation of the relationship. This is not a dynamic I have experience in and I ddon't know that I would encourage marriage. I just don't know. However I will always side with marriages and be encouraging in that direction. My Faith helps me to keep my commitments and I believe I am aligned with God to that end. It isn't me alone bringing my husband and I together. If you are a believer perhaps God would convict you in a different direction or make different choices.

Thanks for the reminder, Heart -- scaredmommy, I completely lost track of the fact that this thread is about your FIANCE, not husband! Well, maybe hearing these behaviors described as being those of your "husband" will help you imagine your life if you take this relationship further. My heart goes out to you -- we all want to find our soulmate to accompany us on life's journeys. Allow me to put it this way: I married my soulmate, and that was no guarantee of happily ever after -- that is tragically obvious -- but I believe we prioritize each other in a way that we keep reaching for ways to support each other. If you believe you have found that person in your fiancé, then you will know what to do.

Based on what I'm reading this is not a healthy relationship for anyone. As fragile as you and your daughter are due to the abuse she was a victim of, I'm concerned for you both. I'm extremely concerned that he says you effed your daughter up and it's your fault she was sexually abused. Oh my god, no! What a dangerous and unfair statement. The only person who is at fault for the abuse is the perpetrator!

I have to be honest in saying that it concerns me greatly to read what is going on. I know it's more complicated than simply leaving him. But it's what I'm prompted to tell you. Do you have family you can go to while coming up with a plan to be on your own? I realize you feel it's important to be a stay at home mom for your kids, but at what cost? I hate to say it but I think the risks of living with this man who says harmful and damaging things to you and your children outweigh the benefits of you being a stay at home mom. This is just from an outsider looking in. I honestly don't mean to offend. I'm sorry you are going through this.