Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I just found out a few days ago that my 3 and half years old girl was sexually abused by 45 year old babysitter Amber. This is a less common case, as it is usually male that are abusing and I hope that many mothers read this post be on alert for female paedophiles, who I am sure can be as destructive and less often suspected of such a conduct. The abuse went on for few months, not years, thank God, and no penis was involved in the abuse, but I am feeling no better than any other mom that posted in this forum or went through a similar thing. I am totally devastated and fearful on how much it could possibly negatively affect my little girl's life. We hired this "respectable woman" Amber by recommendation, who is married and has 2 grown daughters, who adore her. She is intelligent and educated. She was good with kids and even occasionally could cook for us incredible meals. A "dream find"! We hired her 7 months ago, but it took her 3-4 months to make my little girl suddenly "fall in love" with her. I was surprised at such change in my daughter, who was indifferent towards Amber before, and who started to adore her babysitter about 3 months ago, but felt it's for the better and was really happy for her. At the same time I started noticing my daughters vagina sometimes looked red and swollen and had a discharge. She even complained of itching. I thought little girls like her could also get yeast infection, so I would just put cream on it. I was do ignorant, it shocks me now. My mind buzzed with suspicion of something, but I could not pinpoint it. Then my daughter started stummering, it went worse and worse by the day. I googled it, and it gave me many reasons why a child would stammer, and how to deal with it. Sadly, none of the articles mentioned sexual abuse. I took my daughter to homeopath twice to address stammering, thinking it's just temporary developmental stage or vitamin deficiency, but medication didn't work, she started to stammer on every single word. I was terrified and numerous bells rang loud in my mind that something is terribly wrong. But what could it be?And I still could not suspect anything sexual. I was in pain myself, from seeing her struggling talking. I took her to child phsychologist, and first thing she said to me: "ask your daughter if anybody touched her vagina?" I was shocked by suggestion and imagined that it could be some boy or man at school. I asked my daughter numerous questions about school, on all she said "no", "no", "no". I almost thought psychologist guessed wrong, and gave up, but suddenly I remembered that my daughter recently started masturbating a lot and even put her finger in her panties, took it out and stuck it under my nose, and said "smell it". I dismissed it at a time, but dear mothers - this is another sign that your child is possibly molested. So I asked her: "Who showed you that you can smell your vagina?" She said: "Amber." Then she exploded into long HAPPY bubbling that her and Amber play "poking game" together. "She pokes me everywhere and in my vagina too." - she said, and stuck her two fingers into her vagina, demonstrating it. "Amber said she is playing this game because she loves me." We fired her immediately, reported it and started processes with various organizations regarding this. To sum up my address to this forum, dear mothers, no matter how respectable and how FEMALE your caretaker is, watch out for these sighs in your child, that I SADLY MISSED AND DEEPLY REGRET SO: red and swollen vagina, itchy vagina, stammering, child is masturbating and/or asking you to smell her vagina on her finger. This is undoubtedly worst thing that even happened in my life. Close second was sudden death of my mother when I was in my twenties. I am devastated, blaming myself for trusting this woman with my child, and my heart is totally broken into pieces. I am feeling constantly on a verge of a nervous break down and the pain is unbearable. I was once sexually abused by a stranger when I was 4.5 years old, and I know that this kind of trauma never NEVER leaves you. I would love to hear of cases of happy recovery from this. Are there recovery cases? I am haunted by the questions: "If she remembers what happened for all her life, will she blame me for not being there for her when it happened?" "Will she become a lesbian?" I have nothing against lesbians, but will such an event change her sexual orientation?She has been aroused by a woman! Thank you for reading this and please spread the word that women are as dangerous as men. It breaks my heart how sick the world is, and how trusting I am towards people.
I can give you my thoughts on your concerns, but that is all they are - thoughts. First, don't blame yourself, I think all of us on this board have that feeling too (my 4 year old daughter was abused by a 14 year old cousin), but we all know that we are good parents who protected our children the best we could. We can't be with them 24/7, so all we can do is move forward and continue to educate our children to hopefully prevent this in the future. I strongly believe that we should talk about "body safety" way more often than we do - and I discussed it more than many because we already had a pedophile issue in our family. My daughter thankfully disclosed while we were talking about body safety (she was also touching herself, but to a certain extent that can also be normal behavior so it also was not a red flag to me).
You have done everything you can to protect her - from what I have read, researched, and heard first hand from several survivors is that damage is done when parents do nothing to protect or report the abuser. When it comes up, when she is older (if it comes up, she very well may not remember - her age is right on the edge) you can say with certainty that you did everything you could, you removed her from the abuse, you reported her abuser, and you believed her. So many children that this happens to are not believed. We actually filed a claim for my daughter - our state has a victim's compensation fund - as an extra "tool" to help should my daughter have some issues in the future. I can stand strong and say we believed you, we removed you from the abuse, we reported the abuser and he was dealt with by the law - and the state believed you and they set aside this money because of what you went though. It isn't a huge amount of money, but it is something to validate that she was not at fault, and she was taken care of.
I am of the belief that most people are born with their sexual orientation. I can tell you that I had an inappropriate experience with a boy close to my age (at a very young age), and also experimented with a girl friend when I was a little older (probably pre adolescent), I don't consider myself attracted to women at all, and that is all it was was curious experimentation. I wouldn't think that the abuse will "cause" your daughter to become a lesbian. She is very young and it is possible she won't remember it at all - that would honestly be the least of my worries.
Hang in there, continue to educate yourself on conversations to have with providers that care for you child so that they know that your child is educated and aware of what is appropriated and what is not. People who know a child is educated and may tell about abuse are less likely to try to abuse your child. That doesn't mean it won't happen - my daughter was educated and it still happened, but all you can do is arm your child with everything you can (and that doesn't mean yell and run, kids don't do that and abuse often starts very innocently) to protect themselves, and confide in you if they ever do feel uncomfortable. Another website that I think has great information is www.themamabeareffect.org - I have signed up to be an advocate for this organization because I believe education is the key to prevention - and they really have some quality educational material.
Hang in there, it does get better with time - but it is life changing. Our abuse happened with a close family member (in relationship and home proximity) and we no longer have a relationship anymore, and are taking steps to move out of the area. This happening certainly is life changing, but we are choosing to move forward and be happy with our "new normal". We have always been honest with my daughter about all that has happened, and will continue to as she gets older, and I think this will only help with her recovery. Good luck, and the statistics are sad - while it is more often perpetrated by males, there are females that abuse too.
The reality that women abuse is definitely under reported and needs to be addressed as real and devastating. Thank you for sharing your painful story and I hope you find compassion, support and understanding here with this group.
The healing process will continue over time and you are doing all the right things. Sending you love and prayers.