I can understand . It's hard for me to socialize with any other friends or family members at this point also. I had to go to a family function today and I practically just avoided any conversation with anyone and a quick hi is what I gave everyone. Prior to this I was a bubbly friendly outgoing person but find any of those things difficult to do at this time. I left work crying the other day because I just couldn't compose myself and would cry spontaneously. I haven't gone back and don't know what to do at this point since everyone is talking concerned and speculating . When asked about my children I just lie of course but it's so fresh In my mind and so painfull to think about that's it's hard.

We cannot let this consume every bit of out thoughts. I will try to focus on positive aspects of our lives and focus on the fact that we are healthy otherwise. So many other people are dying for the chance just to live. My cousins mother Is currently dying of cancer and she is fighting for every day she can get. I as a child had many negative experiences where molesters attempted to violate me but I was strong and determined and always was able to get away. It never effected me growing up. I now have to be strong for my children and although they are all adults this has been much harder to face because I blame myself in a way for not seeing it .

Again, although our situations are different, I do find myself withdrawing from people. I have one person besides my husband that I confide in. A lot of people do know about our situation (not because we told) and seem to avoid us. It is weird... we feel like we have done something wrong!! WTH?? I feel as if I have no good advice, as usual, but I do just want to show my support for both of you ladies!! Prayers and good thoughts are always directed your way!!

Isolation has been one of the worst aspects of this for me, personally. I would describe my old self in the same terms you used, crushedmother. It is difficult, in "polite company," to broach the subject of what has happened to our children, because the public assumption seems to be exactly what we used to think: a good mother would see the signs! A good mother would never let this happen. Unfortunately, even those few friends and family members with whom I've been able to discuss this are unable to imagine how this haunts me, how it has soured every sweet memory. We talk a lot about not looking back, but everyone else but me gets to reminisce about their families, and to speak in hopeful terms about the future. This is grief, flat out, but we on this site are grieving for people who are all very much alive, ourselves included. Staying mindful of the present is the only way I've found that has helped me return to moments -- even long stretches -- of sanity.

A year since disclosure, I still experience aftershocks, fury, tears -- but much fewer than before. I have edited my list of social contacts because I find it exhausting to make small talk anymore, and sometimes I want to bean people who don't realize how tiny their little everyday annoyances are. That's okay. I'm still friendly and outgoing, but I don't have to waste my time in mindless conversations about yard work and the weather. I have to do what's important to me, what's helpful to my daughter, and take down-time that really refreshes me.

The real you is still in there. You are right to protect yourself from the risk of public censure. At the moment you're still blaming yourself, and that's already 100% more criticism than you deserve.

I have lost family and friends because of this. So few people understand unless they have been there themselves. And many of those who have remain in denial about the horrible secret in their family so how could they possible deal with yours.

We also looked like a great family from the outside. All of our children were gifted academically and we were a very close family. Even after my adult children moved out we continued to have Sunday dinners together and spent all holidays and birthdays together. I was able to stay at home with my children and they had a loving father who did a great job supporting us. It just goes to show that this can happen to any family.

In my humble opinion it almost makes it easier for an abuser to exist within a family where there is harmony. Nobody questions a happy family, right? Abusers are master manipulators so there is no reason for you to feel any shame. This could happen to anybody. I was incredibly careful with my children and we had the good touch, bad touch talk.

If an abuser wants to abuse they will do it. None of us have eyes in the back of our heads and we have to sleep so that gives an abuser plenty of time to sneak around. And last but not least, none of us ever want to believe that a trusted family member , neighbor or friend could do something like this.

I found it easiest to say to others who ask about my son that we are simply estranged and if pressed further I say that it is a private family matter. To the new people I meet I simply tell them that I have 3 daughters. I no longer mention my son. Say and do what is comfortable for you. If you are struggling with some social anxiety that is completely normal considering what you have gone thru. Time and counseling will help with this. When you feel alone come here. We are now your online family who loves and supports you. You don't have to feel alone thru this. You now have all of us!

HUGS, Laura

Thanks ladies. I'm feeling in a better space today. It is so hard to keep moving forward when there is so much pain and so many secrets. I have also stopped admitting to having a son but can't say that without my heart breaking. Our daughters don't admit to having a brother. The only family we actually chose to tell for support are shutting us down even more. Our niece who is 30 actually blocked dd on Facebook. She has not once actually spoken to us but obviously has her own views. Dd feels very hurt and confused and asks why we are being made to look like the bad ones inall this when we have done nothing wrong. All that I can think of is that these people are blaming me for not getting help with my personal issues earlier which turn out yo be related to my own abuse but I did not know up till now. I have shared before that we are being blamed big time by these family members that we did not see the warning signs and they do not agree with decisions we are now making in respect of our son.

It helps me to know that what we are experiencing is not uncommon. Even our pastor has stopped asking howthings are going. We are realising that we really need to be stronger as a family unit and form a new identity including positive memories and new traditions.

I think that my next counselling session will be hard but I don't feel much atm just shut down and numb. It is loke an intellectual exercise. I think at some point the anger and grief will come. I am finding the strength here to go through with some of my thinking.

Ugh. What a stand-up guy, your pastor. Just when you MOST need his spiritual guidance, he turns a very cold shoulder. I'm so sorry.

I felt as if my therapist looked upon my daughter's situation as some sort of academic case study. When it turned out that my daughter's ex-boyfriend had also been molested as a child (this came out after the breakup), my therapist sort of laughed, shaking her head, and said, "It's just amazing how they find each other." Really? "They"??? That's my heart and soul you're talking about. I have stopped seeing her.

Well reluctantly I went out today and spent the day with my brother and sister in law on their yacht. I was hesitant and told myself I will only talk small talk and avoid anything which will draw emotion from me. I haven't told anyone in my family at all and have only told my mother that my daughter was rapped and her middle brother was devastated from it. I lie to my mother when ever she comes over and say my oldest son is not home. I actually had an enjoyable day today , obviously only thinking about the present and enjoying the day for what it was "beautiful" . It's hard to live with this horrific secret but if this is the wish of my adult children then this is what I will do as they are my priority. I guess my advice is to enjoy each day and take it one day at a time. I'm sure some days will be better then others but life will continue! And we all need to make the best of it.

Everyone will have an opinion and everyone may have advice but I don't need either right now! I just need to be able to speak to others "like us" and vent..... This is painful beyond belief as my children are my life and my life has been crushed but I will fight and fight and try to make the lives of my other 2 children enjoyable. I hardly talk to my oldest son and unfortunately that how our future will be for now. Maybe one day things will be different but for right now I don't ever want to see him in my home again. I am currently selling our current home mad will try to start fresh with another surrounding for them until they are well enough to stand on there own two feet!

At Naive1 good call who needs a therapist like that? that kind of attitude when your family is at stake. NOT FUNNY!

crushedmother, you are being so strong given how new this all is to you. Glad that you were able to enjoy the present and spend time on a yacht. We are about to head off for five days to a beach that has some of the whitest sand in the world. Not sure if we will be able to snorkel as the weather has turned cool quite quickly. Just a different setting is all we want, and each other. Walks on the beach, the breeze in our face, laughing and playing games. Normal stuff.

I spent a couple of hours playing Mah Jong with my mother. It's interesting how life turns out sometimes. I have a lot of hurt from my childhood. My mother didn't talk to me for three days after my dad beat me severely when I was 8. I had been sexually abused multiple times and they found out where I'd been going, hence the beating and then being sent to boarding school for three years. There were other times my mother did not comfort me, tend to me or speak to me, sometimes for months at a time. And yet, now she is the one family member that is making the most sense and being the most compassionate. She guessed that our son had sexually abused his sisters but I have not told her any of the details. She has been positive, understood me crying, understood my anger. It is a good healing journey for my relationship with her. She is 80 and my dad is 88. Dad has dementia so needs a lot of care. I am physically reacting to being around my dad these days because of working through the abuse from him. After suppressing it for over 40 years I shake when I am near him. Not all the time, but I have to work on feeling safe. This has gone way off topic now. All this to say that sometimes support can come from the places you least expect it and hurt from those you least expect too, like my sister-in-law and our pastor, who does care but isn't contacting us as often as he used to even when he knows we have another crisis on our hands.

I am looking into joining a walking group but need to find people closer in age to me. I don't have many younger people in my life. Just taking life one day at a time and appreciating my husband and two daughters.

Crushedmother, you make a poignant point (is that redundant?): having to lie to one's mom about a child's abuse completely mimics how our children had to cover what was happening to THEM. My mom has no idea about any of this -- she's too old for the shock -- OR about the repercussions (daughter struggled with drugs, which she ALSO hid from us "successfully" -- no one wants a child to be successful in that way). So, to one of the people I would automatically seek for help, I can say nothing -- I must protect her from the truth. This has cost me my normal connectedness to my mother. I've never lied to her before; now I lie to her all the time. It is another way that this crime hurts families so deeply.

Yes - very isolating and I didn't realize how much so until you just brought this up.
My daughters teacher who must have been fed a mouthful of BS from my ex doesn't make eye contact with me.
And there's this trail of people who give you the face of "I'm not getting involved in your drama".
And I feel as tho I cannot stand to defend myself because that would mean exposing my childrens' vulnerabilities.
And so I isolate myself as I'm waiting for this to pass... But it keeps on not passing and it keeps entering the hands of one biased person to the next. (For those of you who don't know - the soon to be ex and man in question is an attorney).
Someday tho, I have faith that the truth will prevail.
I hope a lot of people learn from this and NEVER, EVER repeat such mistakes.