Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I'm new here, but feel like I need to reach out for support or just a sympathetic ear. I don't know anyone else I can talk to. My husband is not very communicative. We found out in September that our two boys had been sexually assaulted when relatives were staying at our house--it was their adopted 15-year-old uncle. He was adopted by my husband's parents, though they didn't grow up together. It's more like he's our kids' cousin than uncle. To top it all off, he has developmental delays.
Anyhow, we went ahead and reported the assault to the police. My husband wasn't sure if we should, but I insisted that we do it. It happened over a year ago, so there were no exams or interviews for my kids (so far). My husband's immediate family responded by asking why we needed to report the abuse to police, why we couldn't handle it with counseling alone, if we had considered the implications for them as the family of the accused, etc. FIL also sent us a message saying we had stabbed him in the back and that he might be able to talk to us someday, but for now it would have to be through a lawyer. I defriended all of my husband's family on facebook because I didn't even want to maintain any relationship with people who would question why I should report the sexual assault of my child, and then get mad at me for doing it. I decided that I do not need unhealthy relationships like that in my life, and I need to focus on the healing of my family without worrying about what others thought. My husband said he completely supports me and the kids and that we're his first priority. Whew!
Now FIL is trying to get in touch with us again. He calls the house and we don't answer. He said he was sorry for the way he reacted and that he loves his son and wants a relationship with him. (Never mentioned anything about being wrong in saying that we shouldn't report the assault.) He has also sent a few emails, text messages, and just recently a birthday card and gift for one of our daughters. My stomach just sank when I saw those things in the mail. The kids don't see anything out of the ordinary in the situation, but it's making me sick to have these things in the house. I asked my husband what he was going to do. He said, "I don't know." I told him that I would box the items up and send them back. I boxed them up last night and left them sitting on the stove. This morning they were gone and he said that he had "taken them into custody." He says he doesn't know what he's going to do with them yet.
I had already told him that the kids and I would not be maintaining any kind of relationship with his family. He was fine with it then, but now he seems to be rethinking it. I told him we can't have no contact with his family, and yet accept birthday gifts. That doesn't make any sense. Now he seems to be rethinking this. I absolutely will not allow my children contact with people who don't want what is best for their healing. I don't know what my husband is thinking and I'm scared that he will put our kids in other compromising situations because he doesn't want to hurt his family. I'm just feeling very frustrated right now. I know I need to talk it over with him, but he's at work right now.
Anyone else gone through something similar?
Anyhow, we went ahead and reported the assault to the police. My husband wasn't sure if we should, but I insisted that we do it. It happened over a year ago, so there were no exams or interviews for my kids (so far). My husband's immediate family responded by asking why we needed to report the abuse to police, why we couldn't handle it with counseling alone, if we had considered the implications for them as the family of the accused, etc. FIL also sent us a message saying we had stabbed him in the back and that he might be able to talk to us someday, but for now it would have to be through a lawyer. I defriended all of my husband's family on facebook because I didn't even want to maintain any relationship with people who would question why I should report the sexual assault of my child, and then get mad at me for doing it. I decided that I do not need unhealthy relationships like that in my life, and I need to focus on the healing of my family without worrying about what others thought. My husband said he completely supports me and the kids and that we're his first priority. Whew!
Now FIL is trying to get in touch with us again. He calls the house and we don't answer. He said he was sorry for the way he reacted and that he loves his son and wants a relationship with him. (Never mentioned anything about being wrong in saying that we shouldn't report the assault.) He has also sent a few emails, text messages, and just recently a birthday card and gift for one of our daughters. My stomach just sank when I saw those things in the mail. The kids don't see anything out of the ordinary in the situation, but it's making me sick to have these things in the house. I asked my husband what he was going to do. He said, "I don't know." I told him that I would box the items up and send them back. I boxed them up last night and left them sitting on the stove. This morning they were gone and he said that he had "taken them into custody." He says he doesn't know what he's going to do with them yet.
I had already told him that the kids and I would not be maintaining any kind of relationship with his family. He was fine with it then, but now he seems to be rethinking it. I told him we can't have no contact with his family, and yet accept birthday gifts. That doesn't make any sense. Now he seems to be rethinking this. I absolutely will not allow my children contact with people who don't want what is best for their healing. I don't know what my husband is thinking and I'm scared that he will put our kids in other compromising situations because he doesn't want to hurt his family. I'm just feeling very frustrated right now. I know I need to talk it over with him, but he's at work right now.
Anyone else gone through something similar?
My mother has since reached out to me several times by way of text messages, phone calls, and birthday presents for both me and my daughter. I have maintained my resolve to disconnect and I remain avoidant of her and completely...
I have to say I have accepted the presents and have gone no further than a quick text message to thank her for the presents. The reason I've accepted the presents is two fold. The first being, I'm to broke to spend money sending them back, and two, my daughter enjoys the presents...
One day my daughter asked me why I don't like my mother because she sends nice presents and it seemed to her that she was nice for sending the presents. I told my daughter the honest truth.... I told her that the reason that I don't like my mother and I don't have her in our life anymore is because she didn't believe or support us 100% when it came the the situation with my brother and I told her that it was not okay with me for my mother to not believe my daughter. I told my daughter that anyone who was disrespectful in that way to either myself or my daughter did not belong in our life. And even though my mother sent us nice presents that it didn't change who she was or how she treated us... I explained that bad people can do nice things but that it doesn't make them not bad anymore...My daughter completely understood and accepted my response.
I think it is important to give your child the message that just because someone gives you presents and seems nice on the outside, that if they do something unforgivable, well it's your right to not forgive them!
So I understand where your hubby is coming from and I also understand where you are at right now... I think it is wonderful that your husband is in support of you and your children and is willing to cut out his family... You can tell him he isn't alone... That i too have cut my family out of my life and it has been for the best...!!!
And to give you a little hope. We won the court case!!! And I have continued to cut out family that is not supportive and my daughter is happy, healthy, honest, and well adjusted... She has come a long way and her strength and resilience blows me away every day...
I made some hard choices about who deserved to be in our life, but they really paid off in the long run...!!!
My husband did tell me tonight that he's going to send the gifts back and write a note to his dad asking him not to send any more. If he chooses to send more in the future, I'll just confiscate them and use them as I see fit (gift/donate). I won't be spending anymore money on sending them back.
I'm hesitant to bring up the fact that I'm upset with FIL to my kids. They actually like the boy who did this and ask when we'll see him again. I tend to avoid the subject, but I know sooner or later I'm going to have to tell them the truth--that we won't be seeing them again. They may be upset, but I hope that they will understand the reasons. I want them to learn healthy relationships and how to set boundaries when it's necessary.
Wishing you continued healing!
My stepson molested my daughter. They are half-siblings. I reported it as soon as I found out. In my case, he is most likely just going to receive treatment because of his age. It will never be enough as far as I'm concerned. We have also had a divide in our family. My husband's parents thought I shouldn't have reported it, that he is just a scared child and that I overreacted. Since then, they have apologized too, but still support my stepson. They have never asked about how my daughter is. I don't allow my kids to see his parents without me being there and only for family get together type things. We've seen them 2-3 times in 6 months and live in the same town. I've questioned what to do with these relationships. My kids don't have much family so it has been hard to take away the few people they do have, but I also want to set an example for them so that they won't allow others to mistreat them. It's a hard decision, but it sounds like you have a good handle on things so far!
My husband and I are also licensed to do foster care, so apart from the mama bear in me wanting to report, we're also under a legal obligation. FIL didn't understand why we had to report, especially right away. I guess he didn't think about how that would make us look if we chose to wait and then it came out in our son's counseling. DHS wouldn't care if we said we were going to report it, but decided to wait. The fact would have remained that we didn't report it immediately. I even looked back at our foster care handbook to see what the wording was--it said to report immediately. So, I don't feel guilty about reporting it. Our social worker, counselor and the police have all told us we did the right thing.
FIL has been very indulgent with his adopted son and raises him like he's a spoiled only child. He gets whatever he wants, doesn't have any responsibilities, isn't confronted on unacceptable behavior (such as disrespecting his mom), doesn't have to face consequences. This is another instance when FIL doesn't want him to have to face the consequences of his actions. I understand that if a child has developmental delays, you want to help them succeed, but it seems he's being set up for failure in life by not learning about consequences.
FIL has never asked how we were doing, how our kids were doing, or anything else. The most he's said is that he's sorry for how he reacted (saying we had stabbed him in the back). To me, that doesn't cut it. It's an apology that isn't really an apology, if you get what I mean. I'm still not sure if he sees and understands the seriousness of the situation, or the fall-out that we have to deal with on a daily basis.
To a certain extent, you have to experience it to understand it, but anyone with a bit of empathy could develop an idea of how we might feel in this situation. His callousness and indifference have totally turned me off to any reconciliation. That doesn't mean I won't forgive him and his son, but it does mean that it's not a relationship I want to invest in.
Bandmom, I totally agree with you about re-unifying victim and offender. They live very far away, so it's not something that would happen unless we planned it. I won't go out of my way to plan a meet-up with relatives who have been harmful to my family.
I think I'm rambling now...