Someday Scaredmommy this will become you're normal life.
This is probably not received as good news or bad.
When child sex abuse has entered your home, it doesn't ever go away. The reality is is that it will linger throughout your life, your child's life in different ways.
But as you move on in your life and your child's life and this becomes your new normal, it's not so shocking, outrageous or scary. It becomes your new normal of daily life and things on the list to deal with.
Right now your wounds are fresh. Everything is fresh. But your ability to process and deal with things will come in time when the freshness wears off.

That is somewhat comforting even though I hate the fact that it is! I dream of a time where my biggest worry is something mundane and unnecessary :/

I know.
Well said.

Wow, I hear you both -- I vaguely remember worrying about stuff that really, by comparison with this, didn't matter at all.

Medication, short-term, may be a good idea. Don't fear it. Think of it as a tool to help you get through the worst of this. As 96 says, this aint going away anytime soon. You need to be able to sleep and to breathe. That's not selfish -- that's essential to being an effective mom on a normal day. (Remember normal? Me neither!!) It's that airline rule of using your own mask before you help children with theirs. It's not a moral failing to be unable to cope with this -- who the hell would ever expect this?? What practice do we get in dealing with having our worlds turned upside down?

Be GOOD to yourself.

I am so touched by your words of concern for each other, your clarity and hope through what seem like such dark days - my prayer, hope is that we all make it through our individual and collective dysfunctions- stronger more focused productive, loving beings There is goodness in life, the sun does shine, we just need to get through the clouds...

I am doing parent interactive therapy with my daugther Which focuses primarily on the relationship and then after she can do individual counseling. So far we have spent months establishing positive and affirming language and building up my daughter. Now we are micing to compliance And boundaries consequences. It is wonderful and our relationship has gotten so much stronger. The abuse brought alot of fear into my parenting so this is helping me help her. We had lits of behavior stuff early on which has improved alot now a year later. Part I know was my level of stress. ptsd symptoms for me include anger and this has greatly effected my parenting. Thankfully with lots of time and counseling it isnt as bad as it was. Im glad you are getting into counseling this is to hard to shoulder alone.

hearts, how did you find that? I would LOVE to do something like that with her!

I think the suggestion of parent/child counseling is a great idea. And I'm glad to hear that you've scheduled counseling for yourself.

The realization I have come to as a parent of a child who has been sexually abused is that we will never get over it. We have to learn a new normal for living with it. The thoughts, feelings and emotions of it come in waves. And some days are wavier than others! I can go a couple of weeks without being upset/emotional by it and then one day I'm an emotional basket-case. We will all adjust to our new normal and things will get easier. It will never be forgotten, but it will get easier. I have to believe that or I couldn't deal!

Bravo to your daughter for standing up to her father! What courage she has! Is there any way the supervisor of that visit could help your case in your custody evaluation?

Sorry I just saw this. I actually got on some medication for anxiety and it has been helping me deal with everything and not dwell on the negative. I got a new lawyer who seems confident and helpful and the supervisor is able to write a report for the custody evaluation! I have my fingers crossed that things will continue to go well for my sweet daughter.

Oh I am so glad you found a lawyer who is supportive of you!!!!! I know how hard it is to have to work at one more thing. I felt that way with the counselor I first had for the kids. I was so excited to find someone who fit all of what I wanted for a counselor so when the counseling wasn't helping and other things that the counselor did that were not supportive of me it was really hard to let go of that hope and try to find another. Sometimes you just want it to go right but you did it and you are on a more positive track as am I with our new counselor. I found the therapy while researching treatment of ptsd in children. The therapy is called PCIT (Parent Child Interactive Therapy) so you could google it and read up on it yourself and then see if any counseling centers are a match for that. We go to a state run facility that offers that therapy and although I was hesitant going outside of private counseling (which seems better) I have been very happy with the staff there and the counselors.

Scaredmommy, your words from a few weeks ago are mine. Just as you did before starting medication, I feel like I am loosing it too. Four months after our eldest's disclosure (he had just turned 4 years old) and two months after my second son's disclosure (he is 2 years and 10 months old, and had just turned 2 when the abuses by my FIL started) I think I am going nuts. And that is exactly what my husband is feeling, with the extra that he is far less resilient than I am AND the perpetrator's son... and that his mother and sister are supporting the pedophile instead of my husband and my children. We travelled on holidays to my parents and things had seemed to improve, then we went back to our city, my husband lots his job and ... well, as I said at the beginning of this post, we are going nuts. I am also thinking of taking medication, but then I am breast-feeding son number three (such a sweet, chubby and happy baby), and then I suspect the perp's lawyer will use any info about me taking any medication against me by saying I was crazy, depressed or something. There is a word you are using about some of your children's behavior and it is "irritating'. Well, this is how I have felt about them during this last three days... and my second son (2 years old) is doing EVERYTHING to irritate us, from CONSTANT sleep deprivation (he cries, shouts and complains in bed with no reason at nights to keep his parents and siblings up), he comes to my bed at the earliest time possible in the mornings, when my baby starts to sleep, I wake up, hug him, but he refuses to take breakfast, he quarrels with his siblings, he destroys my hand-made toys that I so patiently did for them... AND I am right writing this post with the baby on my lap, after three diaper changes in an hour, breastfeeding, and also taking care of my eldest who is aware of the situation and staying calm and quite while I manage to serve his breakfast... oops! Wrong! he just took a pen and stained our new TV rack (which was white) COMPLETELY. And yesterday my eldest destroyed my husband's few remains of any parental pride by insulting him at the playground, beating my husband, calling him HORRIBLE names that he had learnt from my FIL while he was abusing him (my FIL made a very elaborate work with my babies' minds regarding gender identity, pleasure from hurting and being hurt, pride of lying, manipulating, calling their parents' and other loved-ones dirty names in secret, and so on............. and on......) AND the baby is screaming his life out right now on my lap and my husband is simulating that he is not listening, because he is in bed and cannot cope.... BUT the neighbors are listening --- will they testify against me as a mom?) thanks God my husband just came around and took the baby.... just to discover the damage to the TV rack. We are constantly rotating with my husband, when one of us gets to upset, the other one takes a deep breath and talks to the kids... that rotation is every 5 minutes because they are doing everything to punish us for something that we did NOT do!!!!!!! their grandfather was the molested, their grandmother was the co-abuser (neglect and looking aside when the aggressions were taking place under her nose). My neighbors and bosses used to call me "Super Mom" because of my going to the playground with the three of them always laughing, always happy, always attentive to them, going to my office with always one baby on my lap or under my desk, having a great time while I divided myself into four to take care of him AND work, I LOVED being a Mom, their Mom, and left so many things to be a PRESENT mom, and look: our life is ruined. Now number three screaming again, we are taking number 2 to the hospital to check his constant crying (maybe a problem with his ears?) I am a walking dead.

Hang in there. Easy to say I know. The first few months are sonstressful. You and your husband are doing an awesome job with your babies. Both of you trading off is great. I know for me I didnt discipline much after finding out I had so much guilt and sadness to manage but eventually I got back to it. Kids still need boundaries and discipline because that is part of loving them. They may even be testing your love by acting out. they have been greatly betrayed by someone they thought should love them. In time it will get better and they will feel safe again. They have to build that feeling into theM over time. My own ptsd made me very explosive toward the kids and things that wouldnt have gotten to me before i would get very upset. The horror of what happened to my very young child was overwhelming to my brain. So medicine would be something to consider. I probably would have benefited but I was too worried about my kids. Im glad your hubby is there to help you just caring for an infant can be work enough. Even if they dont always respond the same as us an extra body to hand off with is a life saver. You are doing great!!!

Hello, Three -- I'm so sorry that today has been so undeniably rotten. I hope your baby's ears are all right.

This was on a sign where I one worked once: "Never be afraid to fall apart, because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along."

You will NEVER go back to what you were before. You are being tested in ways you never imagined. You are becoming stronger in places you never even realized existed. You ARE becoming a better mom for kids who have been through trauma. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

The new stain on the TV stand certainly is a symbol of what has gone wrong -- things that were chosen and arranged just so are now "ruined." Except that it's only ruined if you focus on the stain, instead of what you can do about it. With your hands literally full with your nursing angel, you may only be able to imagine cleaning the stain, or you can imagine taking it outside and spray painting the whole thing black. Either way, this is what you CAN do, even if it's beyond your control at the moment. So what CAN you do at the moment? Take care of yourself. Be the example of wholeness and calm and security your children need. Easily said, but your children will follow your lead. The calmer, more focused you are, the more they can relax and know that life isn't total chaos. What activity would YOU like to do with your little ones? Bake cookies? Fingerpaint? Sing songs? Do what's most enjoyable for you, because you must come first now, as counterintuitive as that may seem. They are the ones with the trauma, but YOU have to put yourself first in order to guide them through this. Your children need to see you happy, or at peace, in order to know that peace and happiness are still possible in the midst of their inner chaos. Seeing you smile, even weakly, gives them hope.

Medicine may be a good idea, but which would you miss more: the opportunity to nurse your baby or the opportunity to feel normal in this immediate moment? It's a big question. You may find other ways of self-soothing that can help you moment-to-moment that will allow you to change your focus and reduce some of the immediate strain. Here's a description of what I'm talking about:

http://www.jimhopper.com/mindfulness/

Another option is MP3s for meditation and relaxation you can listen to in the background at any time. You may find it difficult to concentrate long enough to hear the entire recording, but you will be able to switch back and forth from taking care of yourself and appeasing Child #1, #2 or #3. Check out the Belleruth Naparstek products on:

http://www.healthjourneys.com

And if you are too stressed at any given moment to remember any new techniques, remember the Serenity Prayer:

"God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Sometimes we only have time to get out the first one or two parts. Identify what you have in front of you -- something you can or cannot change -- and focus on the part of the prayer that relates to what you see: "Stain on furniture -- I can accept that, we're all still here and that's what's important; I can clean or paint it later." Or "baby keeps crying -- I can maybe change that by seeing the doctor right now."

You ARE that supermom, still -- you're facing a new challenge that is bigger than any you'd imagined, and you feel weak. But if you focus on your own wholeness, you will discover your strengths, and you will be even more super than you had ever dreamed you could be.

I am thinking of you!!

I should mention I know several women whom had to be on antidepressant while nursing they can find you one that is safe while breastfeeding. I was prescribed one cause of post partum depression. You have to weigh the benefits against potential risk. A baby not having a depressed mom definitely has some measurable benefits. we cant be all things all the time. Take care of you.

Yes to above. Stress is contagious, even to babies. You come first.