Embarrassment? I was in an abusive marriage for 10 years and I am still embarrassed to talk about it,I feel stupid for staying so ling.I found out about sexual abuse recently from my husband's cousin.Her mom(my husband's aunt) gave her up for adoption and she was adopted by her uncle(biological mother's brother) and his wife.She believes her uncle is her father.She was abused by cousins,other cousins were abused also,and my mother in law told me before we became estranged that her brother raped her and I was the only person she ever told.Even her husband doesn't know.My husband's cousin was arrested 6months ago for sexual acts with his 4 year old neice and then his stepdaughter came forward and said he did the same to her when she was young.Then my daughter is abused by my husband's nephew.i wonder if abuse is hereditary,like diabetes or other health issues,I never looked into that but it would make sense

Hi, I read somewhere that sexual abuse passes through generations and we need to stop the cycle. by recovering I was never told that any of my family members was sexually abused. I only heard this year that one of them was, not in my close family. Nobody else knows from my family if there has been any rape or abuse in the past. These things were not told before where I live.

I never shared with my other family members who are not close to me because of shame and these things remain as a secret where I live. I also got stranged from my family members who are not close to me. My life became very different than the rest of the family and think that the ones who are not close to me don't care, I think it is not of their business and they cannot help/support me either. It feels as if it would be just gossip for them and don't want their pity either because it is useless. This is what I think. I may still not be prepared to share with them.

Certainly your family histories, Warrior, Hopeful, and Positive, would lead one to the conclusion that there's a genetic basis for abuse, but here are some reasons to question that line of thinking:

http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2015/04/reality-check-sex-crime-genetic

However, who knows what kinds of "silent" sexualized messages are passed from one abuser to the next? Are little girls viewed as objects instead of as people? Does daddy comment on daughter's pretty legs in front of her brother? Or are the boundaries set in a family stated in such a way that they become "dares"? I really am just guessing, because to my knowledge there is no history of sexual abuse in my family or in my husband's. Our daughter simply walked in to a nightmare (and her abuser also abused both of his children, which my daughter witnessed).

Shame is such a malignancy. It works counter to prevention, in part by making victims feel that they were somehow deserving of or complicit in their abuse. Shame is the abuser's best friend because it ensures that victims remain vulnerable and is unlikely to tell. A girl who is ashamed of having been sexually abused, and keeps it secret, grows into a young woman who dates physically and emotionally abusive young men (and keeps them secret from her parents), and so on and so on -- a series of increasingly damaging secrets -- in my daughter's life.

As I have told friends about what my daughter has endured, so many have shared personal encounters with rape and other forms of molestation. None of them have involved family members, but doctors, neighbors, coworkers, a date, et al. But many have not shared this information with others, let alone reported them to the police. "Breaking the cycle" is a societal issue. It will involve explicit conversations about the mechanism of shame.

Thanks Naive. I am sorry about the nightmare of your daughter with her abuser and his children. This makes me remember I don't know yet if the man who raped me also raped his chronically sick daughter to whom he gave drugs all the time and had her as a vegetal. I know he let her die because he refused to look for oxygen for her in my presence.

In my opinion it also has to do with how one was raised too. For example, here where I live people are conservative and religious, thus it feels more difficult to open up about this. This may also have to do with the education one has received both at home and in other places and how acceptable it was to talk about these issues.

But does reporting actually break the cycle?No,and I think we all know that,so what does break the cycle?I think some abuse is opportunity and some never abuse again but if it is an adult abusing a child then there is something terribly wrong.I think we have to figure out what makes an adult man want to have sex with his daughter(sorry so blunt),but when I see a young boy I don't think "I want to have sex with him"I am the type of person who needs to know why,when I learn something new I need to know why it is done like that or how does it work.This might sound strange but I would not turn down the opportunity to sit face to face with someone and ask why.I also believe that as asthma is increased,autism increased,cancer and so forth so is molestation.Is it all the chemicals in our food,air and everything in our lives?We must find an answer,or maybe it is just the beginning of the end of times.

Jesus, Positive!! What a horrendous story!!! That brings "healing" to a whole level for you!! Were you there when she died?

As for conservatism, I am a flaming liberal, and the rest of my kin are flaming liberals as well. Like many conservatives, we went to church, and we never talked about sex, and this was true of most of my liberal friends and their families. However, I have heard very few stories of liberals being sexual offenders. Woody Allen, Bill Cosby, and Anthony Weiner, of course, come to mind, and, depending on whether you believe the rumors, Bill Clinton, too. Those offenders are also well educated, so there's a lot more we need to understand about the mindset of sexual abuse. (There are also plenty of liberal people who have affairs and get divorced, etc., but, while deeply disappointing, and emotionally harmful, those activities aren't by themselves marks of depravity or attempts to harm and control a vulnerable person.)

Btw I did ask my husband once why and he couldn't even talk about it,he can't fathom it either.He said if he ever had urges like that he would rather kill himself than act on it.He gets physically ill when I talk about our daughter which is why I will never tell him any details.When we first found out I had to tell him and I swear I heard him throw up in the bathroom.Oh and he is adopted by his crazy family,thank God no genes passed down through him.

This is one of the issues that I've been struggling with this year. I tend to believe attitudes towards sex and assertiveness have more to do about the generational cycles of abuse more than genetics.
And sadly, it could just be that sexual abuse is so much more prevalent than we are led to believe that it is inevitable.

Not exactly Naive. I was present when he got a phone call to go to look for oxygen for his daughter. The bastard never did. I was shocked. I don't remember if he raped me that day or not. He went home and two days later his daughter passed away. I was shocked again because that was so close to me and I knew what he did instead and how irresponsible and uncaring he was with his own daughter. I felt quite bad that it happened. I think I mentioned this to my former therapist but haven't arrived to that part with my current one.

I agree with Fakefruit that sexual abuse is more prevalent than we believe because many people don't report it.

Hopefulmama,
One thing I can share as to a response at WHY based upon what all of the therapists have shared is it's about control and power for those who don't have a mental disorder or are pedophiles. It doesn't make sense for us NORMAL thinkers but apparently this is a typical response from sexual abusers themselves. Power over SOMETHING in their lives or added power to power they already have. Or, like in monster boy's case, trying to take back their power because of sexual abuse done to them.

Thank you for all your answers...this has really opened my mind to this particular topic.

Yes, Family sexual abuse is more common than we could comprehend. After my daughter came forward about her abuse by my brother, many members of my family admitted that they had been abused and just like my daughter they kept it hidden for many many years. None of them were abused by the same person. My daughter was 4 at the time and she only disclosed 5 yrs ago, she is 47 now. I talked to my other brother and as it turned out both my brothers were abused by my aunt at a young age and they both became abusers. Tho the brother I talked to can not remember abusing my sister or so he says. My brother who abused my daughter passed away before she disclosed her abuse which has made this so much harder. She and I can't ask him WHY? Tho I have only been in the group for a few days, I feel such sadness knowing that so many people have experienced what we have experienced. My daughter is thankful that she broke her silence, because she says the generation abuse has to stop and she prays because of her disclosure, maybe it will prevent this from continuing. Hugs to all out there!

Wow...I have more to add to the family history!

My husband's sister, her husband my brother-in-law, apparently had a sicko father! That father raped & molested 2 of his daughters throughout their childhoods and the older daughter got pregnant with his baby, her 1/2 brother, around 14 and bore/raised him as her son never telling the authorities to this day. There is some confusion as to why, but this pedophile pervert did go to jail for 1 year but that was it! I dont believe the girls ever disclosed to anyone who advocated for them. My poor brother-in-law had a fear of having daughters and being like his dad. Luckily, he only had boys.

My mother-in-law shared with my hubby and me that a boyfriend had raped her and that she had to tell my hubby's dad, her 1st husband, why she wasn't a virgin when they got married. So her ex-husband was the only person she had told before us! She says he was very supportive but he also was, honestly, a very self-centered husband who was either working, drinking or golfing, only gave her so much money and if she didn't have enough to cover bills/food she had to get more on her own. So, yeah "support" but I don't think she ever really worked through it totally.

So, yeah, uncovering more and more scandal as we share our truth.

I learned about a sexual abuse incident that happened to the child of a sibling. My sibling has been very helpful to me regarding my daughter's abuse, but never told me about what had happened to his/her own child. I only learned because sibling's child recently disclosed to my daughter, who told me. The child of another sib was raped while studying abroad. So that's three in one generation of my own family. I think my own generation only faced sexual harassment, some of it creepy, but no rapes...that I know of yet. Sometimes on Facebook someone will say something like "Rape is not really that common (1/5 females?). I don't know any rape survivors," and I will answer, "Yes you do."