Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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MTMom 10/09/2023

I was adopted from Korea when I was seven months old. I had a wonderful adopted family. I have no idea who my biological family is. When my dad got sick with brain cancer, I met one of his nurses who cared for him. I married that nurse. He's my best friend and my soulmate. We were blessed with two beautiful boys. Our first had trauma at birth and had a stay in the NICU. He had hyperinsulinemia, which is the opposite of being diabetic. He almost died at birth because no one knew. His physical body recovered beautifully. They warned us he would have lifelong effects. We thought perhaps he would have a learning disability or even mobility issues since he had a OT assigned to him in the NICU. He does have lifelong issues - mental illness. We have a wonderful neuropsychologist who does a complete evaluation of him every three years. She has already warned us of his severe ADHD combined type, his PDD-NOS (on the Autism spectrum) and his DMDD. She told us that many children outgrow DMDD. She warned us we should expect to have a bipolar adult. Our younger son, only 19 months after our first, was our healthy baby boy. Now I know that when he was about five and our older son was about seven verbal abuse started. He would tell him in private how ugly and stupid and worthless he was. As he got older, he would coach him to kill himself. "You should kill yourself." He also got physcially abusive, which we knew. Our older has been hospitalized a dozen times, for physical violence, suicide attempts, and homicide attempts in our home. And no matter what we said and how scared we were, they always returned him home to us. Last spring he made a Terrorist Threat against his alternative school and got arrested. Besides all of his county services and mental health providers, he got a court assigned social worker, a public defender, etc. The court assigned social worker did a great job of interviewing our family. Two days before his court date, she requested that I bring my younger son to her for an interview. I was allowed to sit in. He told her everything I knew and then said I need to tell you something that even my mom doesn't know. I knew in that moment that my whole life was about to change. He went on to tell her that his brother has been sexually abusing him for years. My world came crashing down. Today the detective assigned to my older son's case will file three felony counts of sexual assualt against my older son - for what he did to my younger son. I have not gone to work since the reveal. Our older son is in shelter and a court commissioner ruled he cannot come home unless everyone in our family - dad, mom, and younger brother agree to it. He will never come home again. I am having a hard time living and breathing. I knew he was mentally ill - I am the one has tried to murder twice, but I never thought he would do that to his only sibling. My younger is very angry but satisfied. He is going to need a lot of therapy for all the hatred he has for his brother. I can barely breathe or get out of bed. I don't talk because I can't even find the words to express the pain in my heart and soul. So few people know - Who wants to say to their friends Guess what my son did to my other son? I went from an extreme social extrovert to not leaving the house. All the websites I have been on say this pain won't last forever. I am unable to will myself out of it.

llama 10/12/2023

I am sorry that no one has responded to you. I don't come here often anymore and just read your post.

Your story is similar to mine. My son sexually abused my daughter. It happened in 2019. It was by far the hardest thing our family has ever been through and I'm so sorry you are going through this as well.

I got both my kids therapy. Eventually my daughter agreed to to a joint therapy session before court (my son was charged after DNA came back from her rape kit). Long story short we went to court he plead guilty and went to juvenile detention centre. My kids were always close. Best friends. It happened once on a night out they were both intoxicated and my daughter passed out at home. I blame myself for allowing my 15 year old son to drink with his cousins at a family wedding. My daughter was just of legal age 18.

I did a lot of crying for the family we lost. He was not legally allowed to be around her or be at our home so we had to get an apartment and either his dad or I would take turns staying with him. Although his dad could barely look at him so it was a hard time. It is the hardest thing in the world to try to support both your kids.

We never told anyone. No one knows the pain and grief our family has gone through, and that was our choice. I didn't want anyone looking at my son in a disgusted way as well as our family members.

Everyone on these forums told me to get counselling. I did not. Number one I already had 2 kids in counselling plus apartment and had to pay for a defence attorney (they thought he could be tried as an adult) so the funds weren't there. Plus I honestly didn't want to sit and talk.

It's now been almost 4 years. I'm relieved to say that my kids can be under the same roof. We have family gatherings again although it is definitely not the same. To say it gets better sounds like a load of crap but it does. My daughter is still struggling to cope mentally and my son is dealing with alcohol abuse so it's not all roses but we are moving forward and trying to get them the help they need. Support both of your kids. Talk to your husband when things are not going well for you. Give yourself a break and know that you did the best you could in your situation and that this was not your fault. Take care and I wish you all the best.

Jewelie 10/27/2023

I just visited this site for the first time as I struggled with the ongoing effects of my now young adults daughter's childhood abuse by her father, my husband. But instead, I see your pain and am reminded how many of us are out there, how many mothers are hurting beyond belief, unable to breathe or get up, like you said. I have been there. Six years of over 40 suicide attemts by my daughter and severe self-harming culminating in a plea deal and her father walking free today barely begins to describe my store, just as I know even the depth of what you shared here only touches ever so slightly on the devastation. I am so, so sorry. And I know that often being told it will one day go away or that everything will be okay can come across unfeeling when your world is crashing in on you and your family. Although I DO believe it will get easier to deal with as you learn and grow in your own responses and dealing with such deep trauma, still, it will also always be a part of you and will rise and fall with memories, seasons, and any number of things. This is not to discourage you in any way, but instead VALIDATE your immense pain, and that it is true very few will relate, though there are many of us out here who can. I hope you will find and keep those who can offer sound and critical advice to you during this time, that you will be ever so kind to yourself as you are suffering unbearably and you need to give yourself that grace and room to mourn and rage and vent and retreat and fall apart and get back up again only in your own time and as you are able -- there is no manual or regular path for such trauma. Please know that you are loved, special, strong enough to endure even when everything in you says that you won't, that it isn't your fault, and that all you need to do is what is in front of you right now, today, this moment and nothing else. If you haven't already found one, I would highly recommend a couselor who is very knowledgeable in this area specifically, as knowledge does hold a great power, and the more you are educated on your trauma and your sons', the more it can help alleviate some of the effects over time. Support, support, support is my best advice. Without my church leaders, counselor and those one or two close friends who understand, I wouldn't have survived, and still sometimes I feel I won't. I am so sad to learn of your situation, but I am thankful to be reminded of the depth of humanity that is shared in suffering, and hope I can somehow be a voice of hope to you that you, too, can do survive this. You are stronger than you know, and this unbearable journey will bring out more beauty in yourself than you ever knew existed. I believe in you.

MTMom 10/28/2023

Thank you so much Jewelie. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I needed to read what you wrote. I have always been a "put on your big girl pants and get through it" kind of person. I literally have physical pain because my heart is broken.

Jewelie 10/29/2023

I am so grateful to hear this. It soothes my pain just a bit to know I can be a some measure of shoulder or ear for you in your heartache...

momwhounderstands 11/21/2023

I just joined the site and am so sorry that you are going through this. I understand. Many nights I cried myself to sleep and thought I will never be able to put 1 foot in front of the other. I felt like nobody would understand. I still haven’t told any of my friends and very few people in my family know. I had to think about daughter, because I knew someday she would need me regarding this matter.. being strong for her is what keeps me going.. I feel like if I am strong, she sees that she can be strong too. There is no instruction manual for this, so give yourself a break, as you are grieving, too.. Hang in there, and now there is no judgment here.

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