Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I am fighting to believe my girls but my oldest daughter story has changed again. She is now stating to the police and cps that I openly knew about the abuse before I married my husband. If I had known about it I wouldn't have married him. Talking to me younger daughter the other day and she asked if they had to go to court. I told her she would probably have to go to court. She then told me she hopes she remembers the story she is supposed to tell about her dad. I couldn't get her to say anymore after that. With all of this I don't know what to do. Its starting to all sound odd to me with what has come out so far. This is all confusing to me.
In addition, sexual abuse can create long-term difficulty with understanding and feeling safe with the truth. The manipulation to which a survivor is exposed can be a great teacher: survivors can learn a lot about how to manipulate others, which may be what is happening between your daughters. It is also possible that your daughter made the whole thing up, but she will need intensive counseling to address that, too. So either way, she needs a therapist ASAP. Meanwhile, you're stuck wondering whom to believe, what to think about your husband, your children. What agony!
Here's some info from this site: http://www.pcar.org/blog/common-victim-behaviors-survivors-sexual-abuse
"It is normal for a victim’s story to evolve throughout the investigative process.
"Initially a victim may say nothing happened. It is not uncommon for victims to delay reporting sexual abuse or to deny that they were abused when they are initially questioned. Reasons could include fear of the stigma associated with the abuse, embarrassment and retaliation.
"Victims may deny the abuse they’ve suffered, or misrepresent parts of their story.
"Many victims try to hide what is happening to them by outright denying it when others ask (including classmates who may make jokes, tease or bully them based on the irregular relationship they see or sense), and by making statements with false bravado.
"Sometimes victims fear getting in trouble for their own "bad" or illegal behavior (underage drinking, using drugs, lying to parents about where they are or who they are with) and will make false statements to friends, family and even investigators about those acts.
"These false statements do not mean that the entire account of abuse is false. In fact, offenders may intentionally encourage victims to engage in bad or illegal behavior knowing it is one more layer of protection for themselves should the victim report their sexual assaults."
Here's some info about false report studies; as you can see, they seem to be very rare, but do happen:
http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/Publications_NSVRC_Overview_False-Reporting.pdf
I wish I could find more info about WHY someone would falsely accuse, especially knowing that he/she could be punished.
The person who wrote this webpage.....
http://www.jimhopper.com/child-abuse/recovered-memories/
...is the person I would refer you to to discuss your situation.
Here's what he can do for you:
http://www.jimhopper.com/services/
Go ahead and email him, and just cut/paste your posts from this forum. He will likely respond:
drhopper@jimhopper.com
What I'm getting at here is that your daughter may have been sexually abused by her father, if these behaviors predate your current relationship/marriage. Severe mood swings and blaming are consistent with CPTSD (complex PTSD: http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-c-ptsd). Survivors who are terrified of the perpetrator still need to release their stress and fear, and it's safer to blame someone else -- even if it's completely disproven and makes them look untrustworthy -- because they just need to say the words: I've been raped!
You may be onto something when you mentioned your name change. If her dad was the perpetrator, your daughter's last name may symbolize an unbreakable bond with an evil person (no denying, he's likely evil if he has found his way onto the SO list). Her last name means: no escape!
Your daughter may be pulling her younger sibs into the chaos to keep the focus on trauma. Projecting one's feelings onto another is one way to dissociate, to deny ownership of one's own feelings. It's easy for those who care about the "projector" to get pulled in to the confusion our of a desire to be helpful (http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic106583.html).
It sometimes happens in a family that one person becomes the "designated caregiver," and it sounds as if your younger daughter, who you say would do anything to make her older sister happy, may be assuming this role. In the long run, this can be exhausting for the designee. Therapists receive a lot of training in how to ward off assuming the projections of their clients. But if, as the psychforums link I posted shows, even they can find themselves succumbing to projection, then your daughter, with no professional training, is in danger of burnout, and of becoming uncertain whether she's sticking to a story for the sake of her sister, or whether she has actually experienced what she's saying. Smiling and avoiding eye contact are good signs, for now -- your younger daughter is still aware that she's telling an untruth. She needs to learn, with help from her counselor, how to assert her own uncertainty with her sister to protect herself from her sister's manipulations (which your eldest has probably learned from a master). I'm not saying your eldest is consciously manipulative. She may simply want to stay on your radar, and to connect with a sibling who has been far luckier than she has; social/emotional skills tend to become delayed in abuse victims, and she may have not better strategy for relating to her sister. Your eldest needs to bring her sister into the madness so she doesn't feel alone. At the same time, she may want to get her sister in trouble so she doesn't feel like the only bad kid in the family. That happened a lot with my girls -- the older one was raped by a neighbor; the younger one, who never visited that house, experienced no trauma. The survivor was so deeply ashamed of her own behavior (forced upon her, but the brain-body connection means the victim takes on the shame) that she pointed out every little mistake her baby sister made. She is still learning to love and not resent her sister. It's one of the deep, lasting damages of her abuse that still makes me want to shred her abuser.
It's still possible that your current husband has also done something with your eldest, but I'm feeling greater certainty that bio dad is the real perp.
This is so difficult. Even if the real problem is just that your eldest is mentally unstable and making up lies right and left for her amusement -- that, too, would be absolute hell to deal with. But given that her dad on the SO registry, I'm betting that she is dealing with actual trauma, and trying to process it in ways that keep your full attention. She needs it.