Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I hope you all don't mind my sharing this here. I have grown to trust all of you througout this journey and I need a sounding board.
I do not want to be married to my husband anymore and want to file for divorce. He is an alcoholic who refuses to get help. After years of "this is the last time"s I finally told him in April that if he does not stop drinking and if he does not get help, I will no longer be his wife. My youngest daughter told me that when My oldest and I were out of town at a concert he brought alcohol into the house. She spoke up to him when they were at the store and told him he should not buy it, he bought it anyway.
This is the little girl whose voice was taken from her for years as her grandfather abused her. She was afraid to speak up to tell what was happening. We have been working on getting her to use her voice for years. Now, she used it, and he ignored it. I am sick and angry.
This feels so similar to disclosure. When my oldest tried to tell me when she was 5 that her gfather touched her, I did not hear what she was trying to say. In her little head she was telling me what happened. What I heard was that he rubbed her back. Years later my son came forward saying that gfather touched his penis.
My oldest has been very vocal about her dislike of her fathers drinking. He is a functioning alcoholic so I always turned a blind eye. Instead of stepping away from him, I have been trying to teach her to not let his drinking affect her. I see now that I have again not heard her. I feel like a terrible mother.
Now our youngest daughter has come forward. He says stupid stuff to them when he drinks. He told her that his doctor perscribed him 1 beer a day. It's the lying and stupidity that is the problem.
I have te keep telling myself that 2 out of 3 of my kids have spoken up. Do not wait for the 3rd to come forward.
I want a divorce. I am looking for an attorney. I am in contact with a financial advisor to help me get that end figured out. Thing is, I havent told my husband. I told him in April he needed to stay sober and get help or I am out. Well, he is drinking. I am out. I feel I should not have to tell him anything. And yet i feel like I am lying to him but not saying anything. I feel like I will know the right time to do it.
My kids' birthday is tomorrow and I don't want this to ruin it. There is always something going on that tells me now is not the right time. Am I just making excuses?
Thank you all for listening.
I'm not sure about the issue with telling him. He should know from all you've said to him in the past. Maybe he actually knows it's probably coming. But you're right about trying to find the right time to do it, it's so hard to try and pick the perfect time for it. There isn't one. What are your gut feelings about it? I think you can trust them at this point. My heart goes out to you and your family. May peace be with you all...
Addiction (alcoholism is one) is one of the most painful diseases a family can endure. So many families CAN'T endure it that it's really completely normal to plan a divorce,
You will know the right time to tell your husband, and it will be the minute you have hired an attorney worthy of your confidence, and have taken the following steps (from http://www.divorcestatistics.info/tips-on-divorcing-an-alcoholic-husband.html -- clear these steps with your attorney):
If you wish to leave your alcoholic spouse, you must be fully prepared – physically, mentally and emotionally. You must do the preparations for a safe exit and have a support system in place to help you through the divorce process.
Here is how you should proceed to divorce your alcoholic husband:
Keep Evidence:
Any court needs evidence when you accuse a person about something. So, collect some evidence to prove that your husband is alcoholic. You can take photos of any evidence of physical violence, such as bruises or broken teeth. Get all copies of police reports, emergency room records and other evidence that indicate your husband’s alcoholic nature.
Search Family Law Practitioner:
Search for a good local family law practitioner and set up a consultation to discuss your legal options. You can take help of your friends or family members when selecting an attorney with experience in domestic abuse cases. The experience and knowledge of your attorney will help in getting divorced from your alcoholic spouse without any hassle.
Leave Your Home:
Once you have made up your mind, you need to make a plan to leave your home safely. If you have children take them with you. Before leaving your home take emergency money, your new bank account details, credit cards, all your important documents, cell phone, clothing and other personal items with you. Always have a safe place to go, such as a friend or relative’s house where your husband will not come looking after you.
Meet Your Lawyer:
Divorce proceedings generally require a lot of paperwork. Hence, you need to set up a meeting with your lawyer to discuss about the papers, the divorce process and anything that you may want to know. Work with your lawyer to negotiate a settlement agreement and legally divorce your abusive alcoholic life partner. With the help of your lawyer file a petition for divorce in your local court.
List of Assets:
One of the important issues discussed in the courtroom is the division of assets. For this you need to find out the value of your marital assets and figure out your share in the assets. Here you will need tax statements, bank account information, mortgage papers, credit card statements and title information.
Create a budget:
Divorce can be expensive. It is not possible to estimate the cost of divorce. So, come up with a realistic budget for you to follow. Don’t spend extravagantly until you succeed in divorcing your husband. In the mean time you need to make a plan regarding what you will be doing after the divorce. You can look for a job or start some business depending upon your budget.
Inform Others:
As the decision to divorce your husband is a big step you will need the support of other people. Inform your family members and friends about your decision and discuss with them about your situation. Always try to have a support system of friends and family members whom you can give a call during emergencies. You never know when you may be in need of some help or even good advices and suggestions.
Final Order:
In the US, if you have the proper evidence and all the necessary papers, you can easily get a divorce. Once you have the divorce decree in your hand, it is time to start a new journey. Complete the other formalities like changing your name after divorce, getting a new Social Security Card, driving license and so on. Now you are free to start working on making a new identity for yourself.
Tips and Warnings:
Always take your children with you and never make the mistake of leaving them behind in a volatile environment.
Avoid discussions with your husband when he’s drunk as it will lead to more problems in your life.
Contact authorities if you believe that your home, pets or children are at risk of being harmed once you have decided to move out.
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More considerations, from a California attorney follow (from http://farzadlaw.com/california-divorce/divorcing-an-alcoholic/). I know you're in the midwest, so some of the legal parts may not apply, but the thinking parts do:
Divorcing an alcoholic with children
Children make divorcing an alcoholic much more challenging. For the spouse who is divorcing an alcoholic, there is often an emotional tug of war between the desire to have the children see the other parent and the knowledge that the alcohol abusing parent may be a danger to the children. Focusing on the children’s best interest is of course what the court is required to do. But that doesn’t make the process any easier for the parent who many times finds him or herself in a custody battle.
For the parent and spouse who is divorcing an alcoholic, we have found the following to be most helpful:
If your spouse denies the alcohol abuse problem, then proving it becomes a priority.
In California, Family Code section 3011 states alcohol abuse is a consideration when evaluating the children’s best interest. On that subject, section (d) states:
“(d) The habitual or continual illegal use of controlled substances, the habitual or continual abuse of alcohol, or the habitual or continual abuse of prescribed controlled substances by either parent. Before considering these allegations, the court may first require independent corroboration, including, but not limited to, written reports from law enforcement agencies, courts, probation departments, social welfare agencies, medical facilities, rehabilitation facilities, or other public agencies or nonprofit organizations providing drug and alcohol abuse services. As used in this subdivision, “controlled substances” has the same meaning as defined in the California Uniform Controlled Substances Act, Division 10 (commencing with Section 11000) of the Health and Safety Code.”
Independent corroborating evidence takes many forms when divorcing an alcoholic. Alcohol-related criminal offenses are the most compelling evidence. However, past attempts at rehabilitation, medical records, witnesses to the alcohol abuse, admissions of the alcohol abuse, and similar evidence can also corroborate both the past and ongoing alcohol abuse.
It would be easier if the spouse and parent who suffers the ongoing alcohol abuse simply admitted to the problem and sought help. But what is easier does not always occur and the priority must be protecting the children until that other parent is ready to resume a healthy relationship with them that does not include the ongoing alcohol abuse problem.
If the alcohol abuse’s existence is not the issue but the recovery has been short-lived, random alcohol testing can be a valuable resource to protect the children.
This random testing can be customized for the case and there is no one size fits all when it comes to the testing procedure and the result’s agreed upon impact. We have written an article on the subject of California family law alcohol and drug testing and we encourage you to read it for more information.
The worst type of case and the most dangerous one as it relates to the children is that which involves the spouse who refuses to get help and refuses to acknowledge any measures need to be taken even though the alcohol abuse problem is significant.
In such situations, the most effective way to protect the children is for there to be supervised visitation, if the court is going to make any visitation orders. Supervised visitation is an extreme measure but if the alcohol abuse is so serious that the spouse who suffers from it cannot reasonably be trusted to be alone with the children, there are few measures that are more protective of the children and their best interest. Here is a list of professional supervisors and monitors that Orange County Family Court has approved.
This list does get updated from time to time and it may not be updated when you read this.
Divorcing an alcoholic who is also the family’s financial support
Those who suffer from ongoing alcohol abuse may sometimes be quite functional in life’s other aspects. We have seen doctors, lawyers, engineers, presidents of companies and people in all walks of life, whether blue-collar or white-collar, suffer from ongoing alcohol abuse but still maintain and sometimes even excel at their chosen profession. The functional alcoholic privately suffers but publicly shows little to no evidence of it.
The law does not provide any advantages to a supporting spouse just because he or she abuses alcohol. But the reality is that a divorce can cause such a high level of stress to someone who suffers from this disease that this person’s conduct in their personal lives, professional lives and now divorce could become unpredictable.
This unpredictability may be deliberately sabotaging employment or their ability to earn income within the work environment. In a personal environment, it can manifest itself through the alcohol abuse’s escalation as well as how person handles the ongoing stress. We have seen such situations excel toward physical abuse against the other spouse or children.
Because these situations can vary so much from one family to another, there is no one solution nor could any solution be found in any article. What we believe is most important is for the spouse who is divorcing an alcoholic to sit down with the chosen family law attorney, financial professional, therapist and others who are involved and plan ahead.
For example, if the family needs to be protected from physical abuse, moving out may be the best option. If physical abuse has already occurred, seeking a domestic violence restraining order may be wise. If there are significant funds in various accounts that need to be protected or the spouses who is abusing alcohol has threatened to remove the funds, proper measures can be taken in Family Court to protect those accounts and there may be situations where it is even proper to take steps to protect those accounts before a family law case commences. What those steps are that should be taken requires diligent communication with your professionals.
Of course, just because a spouse is divorcing an alcoholic does not mean he or she should sit on the sideline and be pressed into a lack of financial support. When divorcing an alcoholic who is the primary wage earner, both child support and under many circumstances spousal support may be available.
Divorcing an alcoholic who is the lower income earner
When divorcing an alcoholic who is the lower income earner or does not earn any income at all, different challenges arise.
Sometimes, the alcohol abusing spouse is not able to hold down a job or is simply unwilling due to the abuse’s debilitating nature. The alcohol abusing spouse may simply be unable to motivate him or herself to become gainfully employed. What can the employed spouse do? The answer depends in part on how serious the alcohol abuse may be. Let us take two extreme examples.
If the alcohol abuse is so severe that the person is simply unable to function on a day-to-day basis, a rehabilitation program may be the best course of action. In such a situation, the spouse without the alcohol abuse problem will likely get sole custody on at least a temporary basis. That means child support is not likely or is less likely under such a circumstance depending on the parenting time provided to the alcohol abusing parent. Spousal support may still be in play and whether the court orders spousal support on a temporary basis and before the divorce is final depends too much on the case’s specific facts to discuss in detail here.
However, if the rehabilitation program is an inpatient one and the spouse who is the wage earner pays for it, that should be a consideration with any spousal support order. In addition, since the wage earning spouse is the one who will care for the children full-time without the other spouse’s financial support, that may also be a consideration when determining whether spousal support is even proper at that time. There are many other factors taken into consideration here.
The other extreme example is one where the alcohol abusing parent does not suffer in a debilitating capacity but is rather capable of earning income. Still, that spouse refuses to work. In such situations, the wage earning spouse and his or her lawyer should consider whether the spouse’s vocational examination is reasonable and necessary. A vocational examination is authorized by California Family Code section 4331.
An addiction expert’s role when divorcing an alcoholic
In Orange County, California we are fortunate to have addiction expert Saeed Soltani, Ph.D. Dr. Soltani is sometimes retained as the Court’s expert in Orange County divorce cases that involve alcohol abuse. Dr. Soltani may perform a court ordered assessment of a spouse who may suffer from alcohol abuse and give a recommendation to the Family Court as to the family law issues related to addiction, past abuse and potential, ongoing alcohol abuse. In addition, Dr. Soltani can help effectuate court ordered, random alcohol testing.
Some other California counties have experts similar to Dr. Soltani. Such experts can take this often contested, complex subject and help the spouses, the lawyers and the court better deal with it.
Any addiction expert’s opinion is just that. Such experts do not make orders. Similar to child custody evaluators, their opinions and recommendations may be given certain weight in court but ultimately the family law judge decides the amount of that weight and whether the recommendations are followed in whole or in part.
The child custody evaluator’s role when divorcing an alcoholic
We discussed the subject of private child custody evaluations in an article titled “What is the Best Way to Proceed with a Child Custody 730 Evaluation?”
Please read that article for more information. Child custody evaluators can be appointed to give an opinion and recommendation on the children’s best interest in cases that involve substance abuse of any kind, including alcohol. Such opinions and recommendations may be in addition to and in harmony with that of an addiction expert.
Finally, the following is a good overview from an online attorney service:
https://www.lawyers.com/legal-info/family-law/divorce/how-a-spouses-substance-abuse-may-change-your-divorce-strategy.html
Do you attend Al=Anon? Do your kids attend Ala-Teen? I cannot recommend these groups more highly. Even after you divorce, you will be dealing with the fallout of your intimate connection to an alcoholic. Taking care of yourselves is critical. Learning -- and believing -- that their dad's alcoholism is beyond their control is CRITICAL, especially for your daughter whom you fear now feels powerless because she tried and failed to stop her dad from buying alcohol. Please reassure your daughter that her voice absolutely matters, and she did the very best she could to help her dad, but that, if he decided not to listen, then there literally was nothing she or anyone else could do, because the disease is more powerful than anything or anyone when an alcoholic decides to use. I am so proud of her for speaking her mind!!!
Here's one thing for your consideration, and it may allow you to count your blessings: I had to send my own daughter into the streets because she relapsed so badly a year ago (she stole money from a visiting relative, who witnessed the theft). I was so angry with her then that I wished I could have divorced her!!! But it's impossible to divorce one's child. You DO have the freedom to divorce your spouse and provide a safe place for your children.
My daughter is doing better now, only because she decided to go to rehab, and has maintained her sobriety in a halfway house, with regular meetings and medication. She's about to complete a training program that has led to a job offer. It's all positive. However, we're fully aware that sobriety is a one-day-at-a-time thing, and she has ruined our ability to trust her. We live with the knowledge that she is only about 10 minutes away from a lethal dose on any of those "one" days. Many times, we have considered what kind of funeral we would give her, if any (we are broke in part because we spent our life's savings on rehab a few years ago...didn't do a damn thing). Are you ready to consider burying your children because they rode in his car while he was drunk? "Functioning" alcoholics function until they don't. It only gets worse without intervention.
My husband's dad was alcoholic, and although my husband often used to call his mom a saint, he is still sad that she never divorced his dad. I am too. He could have used a safe place where he didn't have to walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting his drunk (or between-drunks) dad. But he also would have loved to have seen his mom with a man who truly respected her and adored her.
It's a lot to think about, I know. You all have been through more than any family deserves. Take some time to answer this question: what DOES your family deserve?
My heart is way, way out to you. You are loved!!!!!!