Shame is a very unhealthy response.
Shame is actually associated w sexual deviance just as it is behind codependence.
Shame is VERY important to resolve.
It is not the same as guilt.
But I think you may feel some shame, but not at extreme levels - because for one thing - you reported your own son. If you had extreme levels of shame, you wouldn't be able to have done that.
So - don't be so hard on yourself.

That response sounds stern - I mean for it to be delivering...
Google shame and see what comes up. Don't feel so bad about yourself - you have learned how to get past an insecurity already and maybe see how wrong you were about yourself. If you feel shame, again you're just as wrong about yourself. You have actually done ALL THE RIGHT THINGS!
Be proud of yourself mama instead.

And btw - I know I have my own levels of shame to work on. It's not as easily just said and done. I just feel not entirely ready to work on this yet bc there's so much more to work on right now too. And maybe I'm not quite ready to feel better about myself just yet either. It's a hard one.

In the beginning I also felt a deep amount of shame for what my son had done. He did this in our home when we were there. I took parenting very seriously and always thought I was doing everything I could to keep my kids safe. I think this is probably a very normal reaction and I think your counselor said the wrong thing to you. My counselor said, " Of course you would feel that way because he was your son and you felt responsible." She validated my feelings about it and then we began the work on letting go of something that I had no choice in.

I understand and I can validate your feelings. The good news is that you will not always feel this way. I now know that I didn't force my son to do these horrible things and I didn't condone them either. If I would have caught him at that time I would have stopped it, he would have been taken out of our home , got him some professional help and we would have helped our daughter to heal.

All of this takes time. Your counselor is human and may makes mistakes. If she is a poor fit for you find another counselor. Come here when you need validation. WE HAVE SEEN IT, FELT IT AND FORGAVE IT! Healing from incest should not be done in isolation but that is what families try to do because society doesn't deal with it very well.

You are moving mountains, my friend! Give yourself the credit that you so rightly deserve!

Laura

Thanks for the encouragement friends. Laura, I do feel as though shame is a natural reaction to what has happened. I had a certain picture of who my son was. Yes he had a lot of really grating qualities that go with Aspergers, but I always believed that his heart was in the right place. So many teachers really liked him. In some things he made us proud. Now I feel that that was all a lit, and the real son is a stranger I can't relate to. I know that my counsellor is trying to get me to see that it is NOT MY FAULT, so why should I feel shame about something I didn't do? She did acknowledge the difference between not taking responsibility for his actions and feeling shame about his actions. I think that she is trying to get me to see that I shouldn't be isolating myself socially because of something our son has done. Those friendships are not about who he is but about who I am, but who he is is deeply affecting my ability to relate to anyone atm and isolating me. It's something I'm doing, not a decision my friends are making about me, if that makes sense.

Like you, I have taken my parenting role very seriously which is why I've beaten myself up so often for shortcomings with anger, impatience etc. I said today that I actually want a chance to heal the relationship with my son about the things I've done wrong, but maybe I'm going to have to let that one go. I just want to make things right and hold the son I loved. Sometimes I think that I should meet with him to talk things through and then sever the ties, but that's just going to complicate things. Will I live with regrets though if I don't try and make things right from my end? Just when I think I'm over the depth of emotions with my son I get hit with another wave of them. Maybe my counsellor wants me to scream and rant and get angry. Apart from the tears with her I'm usually very controlled.

Yes, I am moving mountains and should give myself credit for how far I've come - we've all come.

Had a very good session with my doctor. Even she told me to not be so tough on myself. She is so understanding and compassionate and gives me all the time it takes to be with her. I've never felt like she doesn't want to listen. Pretty sure I zoned out with her talking about one thing.

96Percent, I may look into shame some more. My counsellor has given me some extensive handouts on it. I think I'm too exhausted to take any more in. I've run a marathon and it's just mind over matter, the reserves are empty, if that makes sense.

Ozmum - yes when I Reread my post, it sounded not the way I wanted :-(
Was trying to let you know not to be so hard on yourself.
Again focusing on mistakes you made onto him as a parent??? Hard on yourself some more. How about all the battles you fought and won for him? All the things you did right? How about even if you added up all your mistakes, does it even come near how big and hurtful his mistake is? Nope.
I hope in time you will learn to love yourself more and be confident in your positives and focus less on your mistakes.
Yes - shame is a natural response for what happened to all of us on here - and including myself. However like Laura said - it's something we can and need to overcome about ourselves. If we can't overcome it - we will feel powerless, dependent, accepting of bad treatment and unloving of our selves. That's of course to all different levels as some of us feel more shame (as opposed to guilt) than others. But it is something important to overcome.
I apologize bc it sounded harsh when I Reread - but basically - it's natural, but needs to be dealt with - and means don't be so hard on yourself.

No need to apologise. Thanks for the added explanation and time you are all taking to be there for me. I went out to a friend's birthday gathering this evening and really enjoyed the time. There were about 20 people there, none of whom know what is going on, though a few know of some of the issues we are having with our daughters. It was good to be in a space with lots of laughter and being accepted. I looked at the people and thought "they like me for who they know me to be. I should be happy with that." It has given me food for thought and something encouraging to build on in the coming weeks. Might see about organising a games afternoon or evening soon as something different.

I slept this afternoon and then woke up with a sore throat and ear ache which has progressed to sinus pain. Would help to explain some of my not coping. It's bucketing rain too. We're off to the coast the day after tomorrow so I might not be communicating much.

I am so glad that you got out and enjoyed the party!! I hope you have a wonderful, relaxing time at the beach. Inhale that salty air, listen to the crash of the waves and absorb all of the beauty in front of you! The beach is one of my favorite places to escape real life!! I pray that you have a safe and wonderful trip!! Look forward to hearing how it went!! Many thoughts and prayers coming your way!!

Don't apologize for dumping!!! That's what we're here for. I too feel shame, ozmum. I'm embarrased by the fact that it was my son. I am not in counseling, although I would like to be. I'm afraid to take on anymore bills.

The beach is my favorite place to be too. My daughter and I are going on vacation in June. Not to the beach, however, but anywhere but here. It'll be nice to have nothing but fun together for 5 days.

Hope you enjoy your trip!! Hugs and prayers.

You are right, 96Percent -- shame IS different from guilt, and I don't think I realized just how they affect our children differently. It's one thing for our children to accept that they are not guilty for what an adult or older child did to them -- i.e., they are not responsible for the aggression of another. However, my daughter recently told me she struggles with shame. I wasn't clear what that meant, and tried to reassure her again that none of this was her fault. That's not the point. The point is that our children have been involved in something they believed they had to keep a secret because it is morally wrong. What they may be mistaken about is that, while CSA is morally wrong, the one whose morals are in question is the perpetrator. A victim cannot chose right from wrong when overpowered and made to go along with the wishes of the person who holds control over the situation. All of the focus we put on our survivor-children's lack of culpability is good, but it doesn't address their sense of shame for having been involved with something that is morally wrong.

Thank you Naive - in fact I'm a believer that it is shame that is completely responsible for perpetuating abuse.
Shame whereby making us feel powerless = in some the need for "a time to shine" and in some they can only seem to be able to assert themselves on children = perp
For others shame leads to allowing maltreatment of ourselves... Your daughter :-(
And therefore I feel shame motivates abuse
And shame accommodates abuse
Therefore perpetuating the cycle of abuse.
We need to BREAK FREE from the chains of shame to stop the cycle of abuse.
And so self maintenance and self love is so important.
And why reporting abuse so critical too.

A plausible theory. It's certainly doubtful that anyone feels the opposite -- pride -- in abusing others.