Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hello. I'm new here, and have a question for other parents who have gone through this. The short version of my story is that my teen daughter was raped by another teen 5 years ago. She didn't tell us until almost a year later, after she had a breakdown and was hospitalized. She didn't want us to try to pursue legal action against her rapist, and realistically, at that point it probably would have been impossible to prove. At the time that she told us, her rapist still lived in the area, and was actually working a summer job at my husband's place of business. My husband told me that he got the rapist fired, which he was in a position to do. I still was angry, and felt that as a father (and a physically large man, who could have intimidated without having to hurt anyone), he should have at least confronted the rapist, but he got defensive, and we remained at an impasse and just stopped talking about it.
I later found out from a close friend who knew of the situation and also works at the business that my husband did not get the rapist fired, the rapist just didn't return to the job the next year. This was devastating to me. This was 6 months ago, and I probably won't ever tell him I know this, because he just gets defensive about his actions--or lack thereof.
We also have other teen daughters now, and when you have multiple teen girls, you see just how widespread sexism and harassment is. I don't fly off the handle or yell, but I am resolute in confronting it when I see it. When my 16 year old was yelled at and intimidated by an 18 year old at her school, I emailed the principal, and when I saw the boy at an event, I calmly approached him and told him not to speak disrespectfully to my daughter again. The boy (much larger than I am) screamed at me and threatened me. My husband stood by and did nothing. He later told me that he didn't defend me because I approached it in the wrong way, I should have let the school handle it. I felt that the kid was 18 years old, he can handle being treated as an adult. My daughter thought it was great, the harassment completely stopped and the boy apologized.
My problem is this: I cannot get past the fact that my husband has repeatedly refused to defend us against other men. It's not that I need defending, but there are things that he, as a large man, could say and do that I just can't do effectively. My daughter's rape broke me, and when I put myself back together, I was different, and a much stronger person. I can't pretend to not see his lack of loyalty, and I have no place in my life for it anymore. Other than this, though, he's what anyone would consider a great father and husband.
Has anyone else felt this way? Am I displacing my anger onto him? Do I need to just "get past" my anger somehow? Talking with him about this isn't an option. I've brought it up many times, and he can never get past simply defending his own actions. He has no interest in counseling--in his mind, everything is fine. How do other people work through this?
I was really inspired when you wrote, "My daughter's rape broke me, and when I put myself back together, I was different, and a much stronger person." I'm about 9 months out from finding out what happened to my daughter, and just this afternoon I was journaling and making a comparison of who I was before I found out and who I am now. Some changes are probably temporary and when I finally emerge from the hole of grief and depression they will go back to something like before. But in other ways I will never be the same, and some of those changes are things that I hope will make me a better person. I have also thought of the analogy of being broken and instead of trying to patch it up and make it look like before, it would be better to just make something new out of the broken pieces that is beautiful in a different way. I've thought of that mainly in regard to the relationships that were broken in our family. Anyway, it was striking to see you write that and gave me hope that maybe I can survive the brokenness and grow, as you did.
I understand why you would like bad things to the person who hurt your daughter. I have those thoughts myself. And you are allowed to be angry about whatever you want. But if you want your marriage to continue, you will need to find a way to get past this. Not be un-angry. But accepting the situation for what it is.
So sorry you have to go through this.
Brknhrt, I'm glad that what I wrote gave you hope. As you can see, 5 years on I still have fallout to deal with, but I can definitely say that I genuinely like myself in a way I never have before. I wish there were more support for parents in this situation out there. I think it's like what they say about a death in the family--you find a new normal. I'd never had an experience before that broke me, made me feel like I didn't even know what my life was or who I was anymore. I don't think I even began to try healing myself until a year out. Before that, it was trying to help my daughter through her breakdown. When I got to the point where I could work on me, what helped was meditation, exercise, and if you're of the Christian tradition, thinking of Mary, the mother of Jesus. I felt like if anyone could understand what it was like to see your child hurt and be helpless to fix it, it was her. Just be super kind to and patient with yourself. If you have to stay in bed some days or surf the internet watching cat videos, just do it! Healing takes an enormous amount of energy.
Love and peace to all of you and your families.
JFoust, golden videos are just as great! Whatever animal brings you joy!
Thank you for responding--peace and love to you and your families.
I had to let go of my expectation or even reasoning of my husband's actions. He had the right to process or not on his own. By me stepping back and focusing on myself and in general me finding healing eventually I would see glimpses of his journey. It looks different than mine but to be brutally honest my mess was more than enough to handle and still is. I love my husband I appreciate the times he has stood by me. I did relate how I was doing along the way but he wasn't going to change anything and I had to do the work on me. I won't say it was always easy but it was worth it and my family being together through it all is a win.