Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My daughter disclosed in 2019 that my brother in law had molested her once (she later disclosed it was multiple times). My sister had just found out she was pregnant with my nephew. It ripped my family apart. My daughter was only 11 when the abuse occurred and she is now 14. She went through a very dark period of time - she only slept with me for about 18 months and would wake up screaming and sweating. My younger daughter was 9 at the time and witnessed the molestation but was not abused directly by him. I got both of my girls in therapy and that is how I started the process of reporting the abuse to the authorities. It has been a long long road of therapy and waiting. He has refused to take a plea deal and the trial has been set for the beginning of August. My girls have finally begun to heal from the trauma and now this happens. I was stupid for promising them they would never have to see him again - because now they have to! I am at the end of my rope - I feel so out of control and I don't know how to help them anymore! I've never gone through a trial - I don't know what's going to happen - the court appointed liaison for my family won't reach out for several more weeks! I'm drowning - My daughters are beside themselves with stress over this and I do my best to reassure them that it's going to be ok. I have no one reassuring me and I only hope I'm doing the right thing by them.
If any of you have been through a jury trial please help me - I'll take any advice I can get!
Thank you
You were not stupid for promising your daughters that they'd never have to see that bastard again. It is rare for child sexual abuse cases to be brought to trial. A study in Chicago showed that only 5% of all accusations resulted in trial -- and only a third of the victims in those cases had to appear in court. That study said:
"The authors conclude that very few children (5%) have to appear as witnesses in court, as most cases are resolved by plea bargaining, and that resolution by trial can take 12 to 16 months."
(Source: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8735381/#:~:text=Only%2024%20(5%25)%20of,of%20victims%20appeared%20in%20court.)
So, sadly, your promise was MUCH more likely to have been correct. That's not YOUR fault for making the promise. It's the fault of our justice system, and -- just by luck -- in this case, the system is working. That's a mixed "blessing," because survivors -- as you know -- must suffer deeply whether the perpetrator goes to trial or not. However, also mixed into this "blessing" is that your daughters have a chance at legal justice, and even though they are upset all over again now, you may find that, whatever the verdict, your girls will find comfort in knowing that they had their day in court. The vast majority of survivors never get anywhere near this close to that measure of satisfaction, so few cases end up going anywhere at all.
I'm not advising you to "feel better" about any of this. Sadly, the reverberations of PTSD are likely to continue in your children's lives at various stages of future social/physical/emotional development. It will continue to affect you, too. The best that can be said about PTSD is that it's treatable, but probably not curable. So imagine a time, ten years from now, perhaps, when something about the abuse triggers one of your girls. Imagine that, instead of experiencing a feeling of utter helplessness, they can console themselves by saying "I survived, AND I made that man feel some pain for himself." Perhaps, if the trial goes well for the rest of society, their courage in court will take your BIL him off the street for a few years. Your daughters can feel even more empowered...later. Right now, they are understandably and justifiably upset, as are you.
But, also right now, you can tell your daughters that you've been in touch, anonymously, with some other parents whose children have experienced similar unfairness. This may be of consolation to them, to help them remember that they are not alone. You can let them know that, to the other parents, your girls are already heroes.
He did end up taking a plea bargain less than 30 days before trial so neither of us had to actually testify in trial but I can tell you for my daughter, facing him, and speaking the truth with the support of the court was empowering. She got to witness the judge telling her abuser she had a right to say she didn't want to see him.