Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My daughter decided today was a brave day to confront some of what happened at the church around the corner. It was a random mother-daughter date that my husband allowed to last for as long as it needed to. She rode her bike around the property and would stop here and there to tell a story of something she remembered while I trailed behind walking.
She shared that monster boy had set up behind a bush under the outside stairs an area with a sharp stick hanging from HER "rainbow yarn" (which was still there.) She had mentioned that something had happened behind this bush a few weeks ago but this time she confronted it a little more by actually going and sitting behind the bush. She found an old, pointy stick and exclaimed "this is what he used to use!" She said that monster boy used to use the sharp stick to poke her when "he didn't have his knife" and would demand that she hung from the branches (legs up, feet clasped around a branch, hands clasped around another branch but hanging bottom down) while he waited and drew in the dirt (she demonstrated this for me). She also said he'd spank her if she didn't do it and poke her with the stick but if she did do it he'd also spank her. I videotaped this disclosure so when we finally get a new therapist, we can show her so she won't have to repeat it. She recalled other things about the location like certain bugs that lived there and colors of leaves. She wasn't ready to share what other type of abuse he did to her there but she's alluded to it being sexual.
She also shared with me about how he'd abuse her and others on the playground. He'd sit up on this one pole and swing down grabbing little girls as they walked by. She was trying to demonstrate it for me but really struggling to do so. She also showed me where he used to take her under the playground to do things and we uncovered an earwig nest...she freaked out because this is actually a bug she fears, like won't even take a bath because she's had one experience of those bugs in our bathtub and then again in our other shower...and she explained that part of her fear of the bugs is she didn't want them at her house because they reminded her of the abuse. She even shared that monster boy attempted to get her to eat an earwig..."with his power"...and showed me him tauntingly holding one closer and closer to her face. She shared that yes, even DURING the kid's club things happened to her and another little girl at least "once" (1x is hard to believe.) But the most shocking part of this disclosure was she said he had brought his pocket knife to the group and had tried to use it on her cutting a hole in her shirt, pants leg and crotch area!!! (I actually used to get rid of clothes because she would get so many holes and I never understood!) Remember this kid was about 7 years old in a group of 5-7 year olds so it's not like they SHOULD have been frisked for knives! But she said that the other little girl (our hopeful perfect disclosure victim out East) was also abused during the club "once." She said most of the stuff happened after the group was let out, so on my watch which is SO hard for me to fathom because I was always keeping an eye on my babies...but I know that I wasn't always focused on all of them at the same time. I videotaped some of this disclosure also.
She also shared with me that at one time she "liked him." I kinda knew this because everyone used to tease her about marrying this kid when she grew up...but that was at about age 4-5. I always told them that we were not going to play that way so to please stop saying it...mostly monster boy's siblings kept teasing her about it still. There was apparently another story of how he made her a heart out of leaves and then showed her it and then something else happened but she couldn't share yet. She showed me this crumpled little pile of leaves that were shaped like a heart and swore it was the one that the monster boy had made! (It could be I guess but then again it could not be; we haven't been around him at this group for a year.) She even went and grabbed leaves off the nearby tree and showed me how he made it.
Then she shared how he "made" her go into the boy's bathroom (which she pointed out to me) with her when he went into the stall to potty. I asked her if he really MADE her go in or did he just invite her in? No, he physically grabbed her and brought her in with him. I asked why didn't she just leave when he went potty? She doesn't know but she mentioned something quietly about needing to wash her hands...I think there's more to that story too.
She never went near the big bush wall that encloses around some pipes. She's shown me before that this also was a place that something sexual happened. I'm sure it will come out gradually.
I DID put in a call to the office which is supposed to find me a victim's advocate because I have questions that I want answers for. I also did get my daughter switched to a new location for the wait list of therapy which is supposedly shorter and SHOULD be re-starting sooner than the other location, and it's closer to the beach which works GREAT with what we've always done on therapy day! My boys are still both on the wait list and I was told it could take 4-5 months to get scheduled; hubby and I are debating about setting them up with a private practice because I'm not going to wait THAT long for them to get help/more-regular-help! My older boy sees his traditional therapist 1x a month. He's the one that REALLY struggles with OCD. Besides, maybe if more is disclosed we'll get a different case! (That's a question I have for the advocate.)
Anyways, last night was a huge break through for me. I reached out to one of my support women, the older one who I only lean on in emergencies, and just asked her if I could come and pray with her. I feel SO alone and while I have at least 3-4 really supportive friends, they're ALL either physically fragile, difficult to get a hold of due to being busy or I just can't be emotionally transparent with them as I'd like. Anyways, she met with me and we talked/prayed for 2 hours! I felt kinda bad because I left my daughter having a panic attack because a) I was leaving and b) she couldn't find her special doll to sleep with with my exhausted husband...but I just couldn't stay another minute! I was having difficulty with anxiety and feeling alone so I REALLY needed that time away! I barely ever get a break from caring for these kidlets...not bathroom breaks, not showers, not sleep...never. But I love them so I'm trying. Anyways, this lady was the one who knew the least of everything and I divulged a LOT more details to her including the timeline from disclosure to now. She was a little shocked to say the least! She had no clue it was so bad! She even shared with me, which I'm grateful for and I'll tell you why in a sec, that my ex-best-friend told her a few months ago "Look, I know you're still talking to (me) but I want you to know I don't understand why she's making such a big deal out of this! It's just normal childhood curiosity." THAT REALLY helped me to throw aside ANY guilt I've EVER had about EVERYTHING I've had to do to get the truth to come out. That statement coupled with so many others as well as their actions shows me that they could care less about whether or not our family was hurt. Long story short, she said I can call her anytime I need to to pray/talk. I really needed that because I have a psychopathic father and a narcissistic mother that I can't lean on and my husband is struggling with chronic pain issues coupled with depression and bad sleep. Yay for me! :)
We were driving home yesterday and our route always passes by the church on the way home. Normally the kids group is meeting but they had their last meeting last week so my kids wanted to go play on their playground. I was driving up and low and behold who's car do we see? Yup, monster boy's parents were meeting with someone at the very same picnic table that we had met at begging them to get their child help and let us get to go to the kid's group without them there. (Obviously, they didn't back down even after saying "sure.") It really shocked all of us...even me...I want them to leave this property alone already and move on to somewhere that isn't so close to our family! I turned the car around and we drove home. I got to deal with anxiety from all 3 littles when we got back.
My daughter summed this post up today when she said "You know mom, there are a lot of bad memories at (the church) but there are also so many good ones. I want to make more good ones!"
She shared that monster boy had set up behind a bush under the outside stairs an area with a sharp stick hanging from HER "rainbow yarn" (which was still there.) She had mentioned that something had happened behind this bush a few weeks ago but this time she confronted it a little more by actually going and sitting behind the bush. She found an old, pointy stick and exclaimed "this is what he used to use!" She said that monster boy used to use the sharp stick to poke her when "he didn't have his knife" and would demand that she hung from the branches (legs up, feet clasped around a branch, hands clasped around another branch but hanging bottom down) while he waited and drew in the dirt (she demonstrated this for me). She also said he'd spank her if she didn't do it and poke her with the stick but if she did do it he'd also spank her. I videotaped this disclosure so when we finally get a new therapist, we can show her so she won't have to repeat it. She recalled other things about the location like certain bugs that lived there and colors of leaves. She wasn't ready to share what other type of abuse he did to her there but she's alluded to it being sexual.
She also shared with me about how he'd abuse her and others on the playground. He'd sit up on this one pole and swing down grabbing little girls as they walked by. She was trying to demonstrate it for me but really struggling to do so. She also showed me where he used to take her under the playground to do things and we uncovered an earwig nest...she freaked out because this is actually a bug she fears, like won't even take a bath because she's had one experience of those bugs in our bathtub and then again in our other shower...and she explained that part of her fear of the bugs is she didn't want them at her house because they reminded her of the abuse. She even shared that monster boy attempted to get her to eat an earwig..."with his power"...and showed me him tauntingly holding one closer and closer to her face. She shared that yes, even DURING the kid's club things happened to her and another little girl at least "once" (1x is hard to believe.) But the most shocking part of this disclosure was she said he had brought his pocket knife to the group and had tried to use it on her cutting a hole in her shirt, pants leg and crotch area!!! (I actually used to get rid of clothes because she would get so many holes and I never understood!) Remember this kid was about 7 years old in a group of 5-7 year olds so it's not like they SHOULD have been frisked for knives! But she said that the other little girl (our hopeful perfect disclosure victim out East) was also abused during the club "once." She said most of the stuff happened after the group was let out, so on my watch which is SO hard for me to fathom because I was always keeping an eye on my babies...but I know that I wasn't always focused on all of them at the same time. I videotaped some of this disclosure also.
She also shared with me that at one time she "liked him." I kinda knew this because everyone used to tease her about marrying this kid when she grew up...but that was at about age 4-5. I always told them that we were not going to play that way so to please stop saying it...mostly monster boy's siblings kept teasing her about it still. There was apparently another story of how he made her a heart out of leaves and then showed her it and then something else happened but she couldn't share yet. She showed me this crumpled little pile of leaves that were shaped like a heart and swore it was the one that the monster boy had made! (It could be I guess but then again it could not be; we haven't been around him at this group for a year.) She even went and grabbed leaves off the nearby tree and showed me how he made it.
Then she shared how he "made" her go into the boy's bathroom (which she pointed out to me) with her when he went into the stall to potty. I asked her if he really MADE her go in or did he just invite her in? No, he physically grabbed her and brought her in with him. I asked why didn't she just leave when he went potty? She doesn't know but she mentioned something quietly about needing to wash her hands...I think there's more to that story too.
She never went near the big bush wall that encloses around some pipes. She's shown me before that this also was a place that something sexual happened. I'm sure it will come out gradually.
I DID put in a call to the office which is supposed to find me a victim's advocate because I have questions that I want answers for. I also did get my daughter switched to a new location for the wait list of therapy which is supposedly shorter and SHOULD be re-starting sooner than the other location, and it's closer to the beach which works GREAT with what we've always done on therapy day! My boys are still both on the wait list and I was told it could take 4-5 months to get scheduled; hubby and I are debating about setting them up with a private practice because I'm not going to wait THAT long for them to get help/more-regular-help! My older boy sees his traditional therapist 1x a month. He's the one that REALLY struggles with OCD. Besides, maybe if more is disclosed we'll get a different case! (That's a question I have for the advocate.)
Anyways, last night was a huge break through for me. I reached out to one of my support women, the older one who I only lean on in emergencies, and just asked her if I could come and pray with her. I feel SO alone and while I have at least 3-4 really supportive friends, they're ALL either physically fragile, difficult to get a hold of due to being busy or I just can't be emotionally transparent with them as I'd like. Anyways, she met with me and we talked/prayed for 2 hours! I felt kinda bad because I left my daughter having a panic attack because a) I was leaving and b) she couldn't find her special doll to sleep with with my exhausted husband...but I just couldn't stay another minute! I was having difficulty with anxiety and feeling alone so I REALLY needed that time away! I barely ever get a break from caring for these kidlets...not bathroom breaks, not showers, not sleep...never. But I love them so I'm trying. Anyways, this lady was the one who knew the least of everything and I divulged a LOT more details to her including the timeline from disclosure to now. She was a little shocked to say the least! She had no clue it was so bad! She even shared with me, which I'm grateful for and I'll tell you why in a sec, that my ex-best-friend told her a few months ago "Look, I know you're still talking to (me) but I want you to know I don't understand why she's making such a big deal out of this! It's just normal childhood curiosity." THAT REALLY helped me to throw aside ANY guilt I've EVER had about EVERYTHING I've had to do to get the truth to come out. That statement coupled with so many others as well as their actions shows me that they could care less about whether or not our family was hurt. Long story short, she said I can call her anytime I need to to pray/talk. I really needed that because I have a psychopathic father and a narcissistic mother that I can't lean on and my husband is struggling with chronic pain issues coupled with depression and bad sleep. Yay for me! :)
We were driving home yesterday and our route always passes by the church on the way home. Normally the kids group is meeting but they had their last meeting last week so my kids wanted to go play on their playground. I was driving up and low and behold who's car do we see? Yup, monster boy's parents were meeting with someone at the very same picnic table that we had met at begging them to get their child help and let us get to go to the kid's group without them there. (Obviously, they didn't back down even after saying "sure.") It really shocked all of us...even me...I want them to leave this property alone already and move on to somewhere that isn't so close to our family! I turned the car around and we drove home. I got to deal with anxiety from all 3 littles when we got back.
My daughter summed this post up today when she said "You know mom, there are a lot of bad memories at (the church) but there are also so many good ones. I want to make more good ones!"
Children underreport. They don't exaggerate. They test your response to each disclosure before telling you more.
Keep listening mama. Let her know you're listening and supportive and strong for her :-)
Her friend laughed at her when she bled ergo when she was hurt with a knife or scissors....that's what she meant...We're looking at sociopaths and boy have they played all their cards well this far!! Lord, please break open the truth for the world's sake...
I hope you're keeping a journal
But also... I remember the horrific out of my skin feeling I had the day my daughter disclosed choking... And I remember asking a psychologist friend "I don't know how to process this information and allow myself to get out of this out of my skin feeling... What do I do? I just can't get thru this"
And so the content Im reading right now, I think if you haven't already, I think you may need to secure some therapy and a very wise person who you can reach out to to help talk you through what you're hearing. Because through all this, if you child sees you upset, she will be more traumatized too.