Welcome,it's so hard to put it into words,that makes it more real.I have to say in my experience I looking back at the time as a jumble of wires,all crossed.Its a time of sadness,confussion,anger ect.Its a new normal which will never change.Abuse changes everything,just like death,but you learn to cope and become comfortable with this new normal.You will think about it less and less even though it will always be there.I am 3years in and I still have bad moments but they are less frequent.it becomes easier to push it out of your head.In fact the children usually do better than we do which is just even more confusing.Feel the feelings and be kind to yourself,find support here,there is plenty and little by little it will get easier.

I agree with everything hopeful said. I do feel changed almost a year later. Some good changes and some not so good. Your in the thick of it right now. I hope you have a therapist who can help you through those. Its a crazy emotional rollercoaster.

So sorry you need a group like this, but very glad you reached out. Oct 5th will be 9 yrs since disclosure for us. What a road it's been. I'm so much better now, but can still remember those early days and months of going from crying episodes that could be hours long, to anger where I shouted and threw things, to being really really numb. My kids didn't disclose for several yrs, they were in college, and I was alone (unless my husband was home which wasn't very often), which was a good thing since they never witnessed my meltdowns. They were abused by a teacher. Today they are all teachers.

Do you have a therapist? Therapy definitely helped me, and us. And trying to just do normal activities like eating well and taking good care of yourself, cleaning, learning to be present in the moment and compartmentalizing the feelings about the abuse--assigning them a place they have to stay, in a box in a corner of your mind until you decide to take them out and experience them. This gives you some control in a situation that often feels and is out of your control. Eventually I was able to find new interests and start new traditions and memories with our kids. It will get better. Someone told me once you can't detour around this swamp, you have to walk through it to get through it.

I still can be jerked back easily though. Sunday I was hiking with my friend on a rails to trails path near us. Our one son had disclosed/confided in one of our best friends, and this "friend" did nothing, never told us or helped our kids to tell us or to tell police or to get help in any way; he felt it was his responsibility to respect our kids' privacy. WTF! Sorry, anyway, he and his wife rode by us on their bikes and I had a little explosion of rage in my chest and ears. But it was little, not even big or medium sized. I told my friend about it, and did some breathing I remembered from childbirth classes. It was gone in a bit over an hour.

Tell your story if and when you feel ready, but if not here, try to tell someone, especially a good counselor. I hope and pray you can find what works for you, and get on a healing path. My heart goes out to you and your family...

For me, learning that my husband had abused our daughter 100% changed me as a person, and still affects me on a daily basis, 8 years later.

It's so traumatic, and I know it's not something I personally will ever recover from.

That said, no one would know from the outside. I'm a normal, functioning person. I will just never be that happy, carefree, trusting person I was before.

Lots of wisdom above.

I'm headed toward six years post-disclosure, and so far the effect seems, indeed, to be a permanent change. Those early months -- okay, those first two years -- were mind-bending. To realize that everything I knew about 15 years of my life was a lie -- how do you get over that? You don't.

Instead, you learn -- and I do mean learn (it's a process of rewiring your sense of self) -- to accept the truth, and with acceptance comes fertile ground for growth. That is headed your way, but probably not this year, or in the first several months of next year. HANG ON.

You may be at that point, post-disclosure timeline-wise, when all the hard work you've done of creating a happy childhood for your angel seems completely lost. But it isn't. Every good thing you gave your son has helped him in some way to build a resiliency he definitely would not have in his emotional toolkit if you had not been his loving mom.

Personally, I have definitely felt myself harden toward people in general, which I never imagined could happen to me. It disappoints me, on the one hand, but it also saves me a bunch of time because I'm not such a people-pleaser anymore. I can say no. And all the determination to carry on ANYWAY -- in the last six years, I've made it through grad school, the start of a challenging new career, a major move, and my daughter's addiction (she's been clean for 10 months now) -- all that nonstop pressure has created in me a diamond-like toughness at my core. It is much more precious than an actual gem. Now I KNOW what difficult truly feels like, and I take "taking care of myself" seriously. I'm also much better prepared to do my job because I believe I'm truly on equal footing with anyone I meet in my profession, no matter how senior they may be to me. I am confident in my decisions. Before, people liked me. Now I know that they also genuinely respect me.

I, like you, can scarcely recognize the person I was before disclosure. I thought I was "done" with personal growth. I was content with who I was -- and maybe more than a little complacent, especially in my certainty that I was the "best mom." But I have grown so, so much in the last five years. In fact, I don't think I actually knew who I was until I faced this completely unwanted adversity. Your son is lucky to have you: you're in the process of becoming his own amazing "diamond mama." You will show him how to shine again.

Personally, in a nutshell, I am now stronger, wiser, braver, gentler, more patient, I always listen to my gut & I don't care what others think of me as long as I'm doing what's right.

BUT I am also more fearful of getting close to people (our perp was my best friend of 8 year's whole family), less trusting of people/places/circumstances, I need more emotional support (therapy really helps), I don't enjoy social events as much as I used to & yes, I have numerous daily triggers that set off my PTSD.

I often contemplated, even wished, to go back to me before all the disclosures...I missed being naive, innocent, sheltered. However, I grew to not only accept the new me but to like the new me because that meant I was a better mom & could better protect my babies!

I've always been guarded, I've never been a trusting person. But the wall between me and everyone else has grown exponentially in these past few months. My close relationships--my mother, my best friend-- have helped me through, but the words don't exist to tell them how this really feels, and I know that they can never really understand. So I feel a wall growing there, too.

I view every older boy with suspicion, don't trust anyone with my son.

I cycle through anger, despair, acceptance, and self-blame. (Firmly in anger now.) I want one day without this in my mind, one day without all of this hanging over me. But even once I accept it it will always be part of me. And at the moment that just makes me angrier.

Babbled for a while and said nothing that the rest of you hadn't already said.

I remember wishing time away i think knowing that time is what it needs even with therapy and all it takes alot of time... My regret is that I barely remember the years of my daughter being 3 and 4 and it breaks my heart

SurvivalModeMomma, you are correct when you say the words don't exist to tell your confidants how you really feel. But I'm glad to see you writing more, because you're the one who actually needs to find and hear those words. Your fury is justified, your distrust is justified. Your self-blame is not, even though we have all experienced it in full force. This is a process of realizing that you are not, never were, and never will be in control. With that truth in mind, when you begin to talk back to those feelings of guilt and inadequacy, you will also begin to forgive yourself. Because you are innocent, and this was not your fault.

Meanwhile, express that fury in words, mainly because you need to let it out in a narrative you can follow. Even if you write only in a private journal (or if your therapist recommends journaling for discussion in your private sessions), writing helps you understand the rationality of your thoughts, and helps you make healing connections. Also, if you ever have the opportunity to give an impact statement in court, it will already be mostly written.

Your confidants will never fully understand, because this truly rewires your brain. I have felt that wall beginning to build between myself and my loved ones (who, thank God, fully believe and support me and my daughter). In fact, one who is a mental health professional has sometimes made boneheaded comments stating the obvious, absolutely ages after I've already wrestled through the same thoughts. Initially, those comments made me feel more alone -- as if I had left that station at warp-speed, and she was just catching up. Another friend, to whom I mentioned how common child sexual abuse is, instantly said, "I wasn't abused. My sisters weren't abused," as if that somehow disproved the stats, because they are hard to comprehend -- UNTHINKABLE, really -- unless your child becomes one of them. It is unfamiliar territory to the majority. It's like realizing that, although you speak the same language, your area of specialization has given you a vocabulary and way of thinking they will never need. I've learned to let such comments roll off and to absorb only the concern and support they intend. The internal wall I felt building has come down.

Survival mode moma, i feel the same. Every older boy im always suspicious and on high alert.

Everyone here knows what you are going through. It seems consuming and always in your mind no matter what. I get so mad, I try to just have a day when its not in my face and suddenly theres a reminder.

People in your life seem to mean well and want to help. They just dont know how. For sure do not understand or comprehend any of this unless you've lived it. Please come to us when you cant go to your people. Xoxo