God damn your FIL!

I have no expertise about how to deal with this, but I will make my best guess. One therapeutic approach for older trauma survivors -- like you -- involves something called "radical acceptance." I couldn't possibly explain it better than this

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/radical_acceptance_text.html

This article gives what seems to parents of CSA to be a laughably silly example of something "bad" happening, but the "to do" suggestions are sound in any situation:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201207/radical-acceptance

I think when we continue to react with shock, disgust, and fury, we spend an awful lot of brain energy on those feelings, and then we have little energy left to take meaningful action. The Serenity Prayer tells us how we can react more productively:

GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT WHAT I CANNOT CHANGE...

[i.e., what has happened to my poor children, the actions they have experienced and witnessed, and the horrible words they have heard; also, importantly, the lingering effects of trauma]

...THE COURAGE TO CHANGE WHAT I CAN...

[i.e., my reaction to my children's behavior -- can I look at this like a surgeon does a bleeding patient? Yes, it's a body, yes it's bleeding, if I don't accept this, I will be unable to operate successfully. So, what's causing the bleeding? How do I stop it?]

...AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

[This is deceptively simple wording -- it's really tricky, but if you focus on the first step -- accept, accept, accept -- you will have the mental and emotional energy to see what you can change!

Wish I could come and give you a little help, and a hug.

Ugh. No advice but just to relate.
I have to plunge the toilet n clean huge mess every time my daughter comes home bc she holds her stool at her father's house.
She comes home after 5 day stays no bath
It's true
Every day were faced with real effects of abuse that just don't stop.
You're right!

I've dealt with my daughter reenacting abuse with her stuffed animals and barbies which still happens now more than a year later. I have been at a loss with what to do her therapist suggested minimizing the animals/dolls and we did work on keeping the dolls dressed unless we are changing their outfits and putting something else on them. Once we are done with the initial counseling she is going to do one on one counseling. We will see if she gets more help with this. Honestly the best thing you can do is just work with your children's counselor and follow their advice. I've read different things about reinacting abuse. One thing I read said it was a symptom of ptsd. A counselor told me it is their way of working out the trauma but I have heard from my current counselor that it has to stop and not continue. She addresses it as a behavior issue but I think it is more a mental issue that has to be fixed in her heart and head before the behavior goes away. Idk but just keep at it whatever you are doing little by little. There is no magic switch or time frame for trauma

Dear Naive, 96 and Heart, thank you for your answers and advice. Naive, the Calm Prayer is wonderful, my Mom shared it with me while I was facing different challenges in my life. And I liked so much the NYT column that Angelina Jolie published today regarding a totally different issue (her risk of having ovarian cancer) still related to our tragedy. She says, for example: "I went through what I imagine thousands of other women have felt. I told myself to stay calm, to be strong, and that I had no reason to think I wouldn’t live to see my children grow up and to meet my grandchildren." Another paragraph: "... it is possible to take control and tackle head-on any health issue. You can seek advice, learn about the options and make choices that are right for you. Knowledge is power.". And finally, related to serenity: "I feel at ease with whatever will come, not because I am strong but because this is a part of life. It is nothing to be feared."

96, dear: I am suffering so much for you and your beautiful daughter. BUT she has the example of a loving, caring, bull-fighting Mom, that will contribute much to her recovery. The part that we still (you, me, many other Moms around the world) is: to be happy again ourselves. I - honestly - feel dead at 40 years old. I cannot envision another 40 years surveying my children to see if they abuse each other, or if they abuse a partner, a child or grandchild of their own. I am overwhelmed. BUT I have to believe that I can be happy again, as Angelina Jolie said, "not because I am strong but because this is a part of life". Peace to you and your kids!

As of child abuse being a part of life, someone (i think it was Naive) suggested to visit the 1 in 6 site. I absolutely loved it! Especially the stories of successful, hetero men who were abused by other men and as children and still managed to be happy, marry and have happy children. This is what I expect for my kids: they can choose any way / orientation, etc in life, but they should respect others and struggle to make their own decisions, not necessarily conditioned by the trauma that took place when they were just toddlers.

Naive, you know that I discovered that there is a EMDR specialist in my city? I talked to my counselors yesterday and they agreed in my taking a chance with her in parallel to psychotherapy. And it seems even a trained specialist can work with children. Better for me that the other option I was given: to start medication for my severe vicarious PTSD...

Meds are helpful if you have a chemical deficit (I tend to underproduce serotonin, so now I have help), but learning to recondition the way you respond to the challenges you have before you will help you to realize that you have choices -- will I stress to the breaking point, or will I use my tools to connect to a place of calm and energy? It sometimes helps me to think of people who have decided to be as happy as possible in otherwise unacceptable situations -- Anne Frank, for example. She knew that at any moment her life could be over with one slip, but she CHOSE to focus on being kind to others, creating/keeping a routine, learning for a future she might not have. I'm so glad you're familiar with the Serenity Prayer. It's a good, shorthand way of remembering that we can choose our path, and let the rest unfold.

HOWEVER, I confess that it did take me many, many months before I stopped freaking out -- shock is shock, and it grips us and spins us around and around. It's visceral -- something out of our evolutionary past. For A WHILE, this may be one of the things we have to accept and cannot change. But it's worth our effort to keep trying to look for what we can change until we begin to succeed. It sounds as if you are in that phase already, and I wish you every bit of strength to keep going. Your children will be glad to have calm Mommy back, and will be better able to respond to the quieter signals you will be sending.

Thank you, Naive! Yes, right now I am oscillating between the options you mention: I) stressing to the breaking point, and ii) making the effort to keep trying to look for what we can change until we begin to succeed, with serenity. My capacity for enduring additional stress has diminished, and my second son (the 2 years old) is doing his best to call my attention -- negatively... like popping in his pants exactly 3 minutes after I gave him a sweet bath and changing all his clothes, or shouting at me things that the perps' used to call him if he resisted the abuses (i.e. " As**** --) Yes, the caring Grandpa used to call my baby As*** , stupid, and other non rewritable things in private, while he was so kind and sweet and respectful to my children when we the parents were present). As for their sexualized behavior, I am following our therapist' tips of saying: "Look, this joke is not funny any longer, what Grandpa did is so boring already, isn't it? It is like using a too small, too old, to dirty T-shirt once and once again...Why don't we think of putting on a new T-shirt instead? Let us do the same with our jokes! Why don't we read our new book about the Moon? and so on...". But yes, I am trying to look forward. The good news is that the EMDR parallel therapy has been approved by our counselors and both me and the kids will be starting to do it some time soon... the only problem: they are private services, and cost money. The good news: my husband got a new job. The bad news: I had just accepted an extra job to cover for the expenses and now I am home alone with 3 babies AND the new job to do... but well, we are used to bumpy times, aren't we?