Bonnieboo11, I believe I wrote here about the financial cost of sexual abuse long before you arrived. Our daughter was in therapy off and on for 16 years without disclosing, and without any of her therapists suggesting sexual abuse as a possibility. Few of them took any insurance, so we paid their mortgages in full. We paid, unknowingly, thousands upon thousands of dollars to support her drug habit, and ultimately spent our life's savings to get her to the "best" rehab -- knowing, at last, her history of sexual trauma, there was no way we were going to send her to a state-run facility with little transparency about procedures and privacy. (The "best" rehab did little but keep her occupied for a month.) She also had huge medical bills from an accident that may have been suicidal. My husband was very successful, financially, but we have nothing left. In fact, we are overwhelmed with debt. Further, we owe enormous back-taxes because disclosure of both the sexual abuse and the drug abuse, and the accident, came during a year when I was learning how to run our tiny company. I was so shut down that I screwed up -- even our bookkeeper and CPA didn't catch my mistakes. We are trying to work things out with the IRS, but beyond explaining that we had medical debt, it's none of their damn business why we didn't pay all of our taxes on time. Our credit, once the best, is sewage. We will probably never recover financially, never own a home again, never be able to retire in any real sense of the word. But....our daughter has been sober for well over a year, works hard at two jobs, and lives with us again, in our tiny rental, much to our relief. It's so good to know where she is, and that she's safe. We know she'll move out eventually, but these past couple of years have been a time of enormous growth for us all, to know everything we know and to have survived what we have survived and to love each other more fully and honestly.

Yes, I still want to kill that monster. That's why I could never own a gun, because I know what I'd do, and it would just throw us all back into chaos and misery. We need to go forward, or he wins.

I am so glad your daughter is home. Love her. As you listen to her, try to avoid the impulse to leap into action in some way. She may just want to be heard. Let her set the agenda a bit -- she may not want to fill every minute. Maybe she would be happy just baking cookies with you. Quiet, normal stuff. She may have unnerving tales to share from her group therapy; stay calm. Show her that it is possible to be at peace with bad stuff, because it's beyond our control, and that the bad stuff is not the only reality. Resist showing your frustration with our screwed-up mental health system, because she is likely to feel at fault for causing this expenditure and inconvenience. Be your best, real self, so she can see what a best, real self looks like.

Naive1, you make me cry.But with everything you have lost I am sure you feel it is worth it to have your daughter's health and happiness.I quit my job around the same time the abuse happened,I had to, 43 days of missed school that year.I have not been able to go back,We wear thrift store clothes,drive old cars(my husband is an auto mechanic so we can drive old junkers)ect but I feel silly complaining knowing you have lost so much more.But you are right,the financial burden is alot. and I don't even know what the future holds.I read somewhere that on 30% of children who were molested don't become addicts, that leaves 70% who do.That scares me.I pray that does not happen. I am very careful with my words because she does tend to blame herself,she feels guilty for not telling us sooner.Even though you are not rich financially you are in wisdom and compassion and that is worth so much more!

Oh, gosh, don't cry for me! This is absolutely the only acceptable ending for us -- or new beginning, I should say. We could be scared out of our minds wondering where our daughter is, or worse -- knowing exactly where our daughter is: in danger. She is a delightful human being -- smart, caring, funny -- and none of this was her fault. Yes, she chose to take drugs -- that was stupid, but she had already been drinking slugs of alcohol on the sly, for years starting shortly after the abuse, because she thought it might help. Then she met an abusive, opportunistic boyfriend who suggested painkillers might help her to calm down.......She deserves a second chance because her first one was stolen from her.

I only mentioned all the specifics of my financial situation because I want you to know that, yes, this can seriously damage a household budget. But money will either come back, or it won't; when life is gone, it's gone, and when love is gone, why live? Thank God, we have both life and love. Anyway, without the complications of drugs, you are likely to experience a far lower financial impact than we did.

So here's what I'd suggest (run this by your daughter's therapist first): now is the time to begin the discussion of drug abuse. Open that door, so she knows it's okay to discuss it, as it may be something she has considered and has added to her list of shameful secrets. This is no time for secrecy. This crime necessitates a new level of candor I wish I had had the opportunity to broach when my daughter was the same age as yours. Like, "Honey, I've learned that some people try to deal with this pain by using drugs; I want you to know that I'm aware of this, and that it's not unusual for kids who have been through this to wonder if drugs would help. I wouldn't judge you if I learned that you had considered it. But if you had, let's please talk about it so we can think of another plan." Leave all those doors wide open and welcoming.

I hear you about the old cars! We could use a good mechanic, but you're a bit far for us!! :D

I am afraid to talk to her about it.I asked her where she learned about self harm and she told me a girl at school told her about it, so she tried it. I know the professionals say the opposite. My husband always tells me to stop looking for trouble. he likes to live in the moment, not me, I am a planner.I hate the unknown.But I will try.A funny story about my husband, He is a very good mechanic,although he hates doing it but that is the gift God gave him. He is truly gifted,anyway yesterday he was saying it is time for a new car ( he has a work truck 1999 and I have a mini van1998,older than our daughter).Those words scare me because when looking for something new he means used(he would never buy a new car) I cant tell you how many times he has come home and said " I found a really nice car,it's beautiful" Well that sounds great,right?NOT!!! when a mechanic says he found a really nice car he does not mean the outside,he means engine,transmission ect. I go to look at theses cars and he is almost in tears because of how nice it is, meanwhile the outside looks like it was wrecked many times over,sometimes 2 different colors!!!!Now I make him take a picture of the car.

You know -- beauty, eye of the beholder, etc., etc.I don't mind the dings and scratches on my car -- it's a metal box that protects me while I go places fast.

Please do run the idea of the drug conversation by your daughter's therapist. BEFORE you talk with her. She will likely be supportive, but you want to be sure that she has as much information in advance about your thinking and plans so she can prepare for each session. You need to be working together.

Bonnieboo - I'm glad you have your daughter back! So many prayers for her healing and the ability to say yes to all the beautiful things life has to offer and to say no to the uglier side of life and the temporary comfort some if those things (cutting, drugs, drinking, etc.) offer. It will take a very strong person to believe in themselves and to avoid the temptation to misuse the things that seem like easy solutions to pain. It will take lots of love, patience and understanding from you to navigate all the emotions and challenges that will come from parenting your fragile daughter. It sounds like I know from experience. Unfortunately, I am the mother of two abused children, but they are young and the abuse is new. I have no idea how they will react and what they will need from me. I am speaking from my own past experience. I was the daughter in pain and needed a mother who understood WHY I was acting out and the pain I was in, but didn't. She kicked me out of her house when I was 16 as she couldn't deal with my acting out. I know you won't do that! Your daughter has a great chance at healing because she has you who is willing to do anything and who understands. And Naive1 - You are a rock star mama! You too Bonnieboo!