Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Do any of your children have trouble feeling safe alone in bed? My son was abused at his father's house, primarily in bed. He moved into my bed (after sleeping in his own bed his whole life) when he was 6, when the abuse started. I obviously didn't know the trigger at the time; I thought he just needed extra comfort because his father suddenly had a "new family."
But now, five years later, he still sleeps in my bed. And recently things have gotten worse. He used to be able to sleep if my father put him to bed, and could sleep if he knew I was going to be out of bed (but in the house) working on something at night. But now he has a panic attack in either of those scenarios. Combine that with needing to have a bowel movement (another of his triggers), and things go downhill fast. Three such nights in the last month and a half. It will take him four or more hours to get to sleep. I asked him if it's because he still doesn't feel safe in bed, and he said yes.
I'll be speaking to his therapist about this on Monday, but I just wondered if any of you had been through similar with your children, and how you helped them through it.
That said, a lot of kids climb into their parents' bed with no history of abuse. It's just a lot more complicated when there's abuse, because it's hard to separate normal neediness from PTSD.
Some ideas....
First, is there room for you to move your son's bed into your bedroom for awhile, so that he (and you!) can experience a degree of separation. If that's not practical, you could make a nest next to your bed (possibly using a futon, which can be had for $150US). He can start the night in his nest, and if he wakes up, he can crawl in with you.
Next, you could have him settle into his own bed, in his room, turn your phone's ringer way down, and sit outside his room for an agreed-upon amount of time -- 20 minutes, say. Set your timer and relax quietly outside his room for that time. If the timer goes off and your son is still awake, he can get in your bed. If he's asleep, he can stay asleep if/until he wakes up in the night. After a week, increase the time to 30 minutes. A week later, to 40 minutes.
Age 11 is not too old for your son to have a sleep chart so he has a record of success. I wouldn't attach a reward to the chart, because he may feel pressured to stay in bed feeling anxious if he thinks he might lose a desired reward. The point is simply to show him that he CAN be safe in his own bed for extended periods, and possibly sleep for some or all of that time. He needs to know that, if he wakes up, he's free to come back to his nest.
Your son may need melatonin (or whatever his MD would suggest) to help him stay asleep.
Please consider EMDR therapy for your son (https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emdr-for-children-how-safe-and-effective-is-it-0430155). One purpose/effect of EMDR is to engage all parts of the brain in the problem-solving process. Trauma tends to get lodged in part or a few parts of the brain, and these parts communicate exclusively when triggered, shutting out input from parts of the brain involved in language and logic that make it easier to put the trauma into words and reason with it. The amazing thing about EMDR is that it's not necessary to focus deeply on the trauma, but simply to talk and think about something as small as something that's bugging us. It still creates the increased communication necessary for healing.