Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My son's story:
On Christmas Eve, my son was the victim of a sexual assault perpetrated by his cousin, age 9. My son is 8. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 3 years. He was in the care of my ex husband at the time, at a Christmas party hosted by his family. The children, ages 2-9, were sent to the basement while the adults were conversing upstairs. When my second youngest child tried to inform the parents, they sent him back to the basement without checking on them. The child who attacked my son has a history of sexual abuse two years ago to another young cousin of his who was also in the basement at the time. Social services investigated the case with the outcome less than desirable because of his age at the time. The case was closed with no resolution. I contacted the Sheriff's office on Christmas, spoke with a State Police investigator on the following Wednesday, and filed a complaint. Because of the holidays, the process was slow going. The Police investigator said the same thing over and over, "he's only 9, there isn't much we can do." He put me in contact with my local DCBS office, where they investigated the adults at the party, but never evaluated the child. I had a court order added to our custody agreement that my children weren't allowed contact with the perp indefinitely. My ex and I had an unwritten agreement before then that my children were only allowed around him supervised. His family is less than supportive when it comes to getting this child treatment and the help that he needs. We share 5 children together, my daughter, 20, down to my youngest son, the victim, who is 8. Hayden seems to handle this well, speaks very matter of fact of the incident and says he wants to get his cousin some help. On top of the sexual violence, my other son was thrown to the floor by this cousin who wrapped his hands around his throat and told him he is going to kill him. This was in retribution to him pulling him off of his brother. I am lost. I am confused. I am out of answers or avenues to pursue to make sure this child cannot hurt another child. It isn't a matter of if, it is a matter of when. I am scared. I don't do well sleeping at night and have started having panic attacks that have affected my life and my work. I have reached out to counseling services and have an appointment this week, but I am looking for people that have been where I have been and have recovered, stronger and better. I am also looking for ways to make it easier to navigate a system that seems to be protective of the perpetrator rather than the victim. I am a pediatric nurse, I have seen the effects of this on children of all ages, but never thought I would be in the position I am finding myself in now. Most people have told me, "he's fine, it'll be fine, and I have to find a way past it." Sorry this is so long, there is so much more, but I am pleading for any help or avenue that I haven't thought of, or knew about. Thanks for listening, thanks for any help, thanks for not judging. I have read so many of your stories, I hope that each of you find the peace that you deserve.
Many of us have been through the same sort of circumstances— a perpetrator too young to be taken seriously by the authorities, and nothing we can do to protect others. Eventually, though, we all have to step back and realize that it is our responsibility to help our own children. If we have done everything we can (contacting the authorities, etc) and the perpetrator has still faced no consequences and is still in contact with other potential victims, there’s nothing more we can do about it. It’s incredibly painful to even think about giving up like that, but we have to put our own children first and recognize that we can’t force the police or DCS to do any more than they’re willing to do.
It seems like you did and have done all that you could. I think that the fact that you are being open with your son and allowing him to speak openly with you is AMAZING. Sometimes, we let our guilt and fear keep us from communicating openly with our children in times such as this and it is important that our children feel safe enough to share. This is what they need, so this is what you will need to provide. Our children are resilient and as long as you continue to give strength to your son through your protection, love, and support- he will continue to draw from your strength. Most importantly, it seems like maybe your other son may need some support and counseling as well. To have witnesses this and tried to protect his brother was equally traumatic and he may not know how to navigate through his own feelings. Just be there as you have and your family will grow from this awful experience.