Unfortunately the other mothers reaction is all to common. It took us taking my kids abuser (4 years older )to court for the other family to grasp what happened. I can imagine its hard to imagine your child doing such a thing. You could call cps or dhr in your area. Other than that therapy is the best thing for your daughter and for you as well.

So sorry to hear this has happened to you. Glad you found this board and there will be a lot of support from people who do understand.

For now, my two cents would be to focus as much as you can on getting your daughter into counseling, supporting her, respecting her wishes, listening to whatever she does want to share with you about either the past or how she's feeling now. Start looking for a counselor for yourself too. It can take awhile to get an appointment.

The website mosac.net has a ton of useful and accurate information about what it's like to be a mother of a child who was sexually abused. I'm guessing you are still in shock that you even belong to that group now. None of us ever thought we would. But it has so much info on what to expect, what's normal, dealing with the legal system, etc. and they also have a counselor available at some times of day through a chat.

I forgot to add that it is good that your daughter was able to tell this, however it was that she came out. For her, it might feel worse instead of better in the short term after telling others but it is the first step in her healing. If she has a good counselor she should be able to get some relief from her trauma symptoms, night terrors, etc, eventually. If she doesn't like the first counselor, look for another one.

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going thru this, but glad you reached out here for support. If I understand what you wrote, your daughter is 20 now and just disclosed that 10 years ago when she was 10, another 10 yr old girl sexually abused her at a sleep over. That type of abuse is actually considered penetration and is a felony.

If that's correct, a few things to consider are: your daughter is an adult, and she would have to be the one to report. You may want to check on the laws in your state as far as what the statute of limitations is on this type of offense, and what the law is regarding child on child abuse. The best thing for right now is for you and your daughter to get into counseling separately so a professional can help you get this all out and deal with it, and move into a path of healing. That is the priority for now, and then the legal side of it, if there's anything feasible to be done, is a separate issue in a way. Your question "was that girl abused" is a good one, how did she know to do something like that at that age? She's also an adult now, and she may have something she hasn't disclosed for a very long time.

The other mother's reaction is typical, and you really have no control over it. It's usually futile to get involved with trying to work something out with the offender and parent; they are in a completely different place than you. Your thoughts and energies are best spent on your own healing and any justice that may be available. Discovering who will be supportive of you, and not allowing those who will not be supportive to have much influence in your lives, is important for your healing process at this point.

Another website to check out is www.mosac.net , Mothers of Sexually Abused Children. They also have a facebook group. The website has tons of very educational and comprehensive information. I hope this is helpful, my thoughts and prayers go out to you both.

Update i have now found that she was 8 years old which breaks my heart even more the other girl around same age still.she is now 16 i cant stop picturing it and blaming myself i blame myself because i knew my friend was on and off with guys i feel she had several guys around and i should have taken that into consideration and it tears me apart she never felt she could tell me i failed her and i will never forgive myself

Oh my, so sorry all this is happening. But your daughter disclosed to you which is a very good thing, many victims/survivors keep it to themselves for long periods of time and it manifests itself in very negative behaviors. And since she is 16, she's not an adult yet, so you can have say in how you proceed with counseling and legal avenues. This should be reported, and I think it's a good idea to get an appointment at a child advocacy center to have your daughter evaluated, and they can also help guide you with reporting and any legal consequences that may come of this.

We have all been where you are with the feelings of guilt, failing our kids, not forgiving ourselves. But you are taking on accountability for something you didn't do, and that usually leads to it controlling parts of your life; only the offender should be owning their actions, and they shouldn't have any control or power in your life, especially in your healing process. Truthfully, you did nothing wrong, we are not programmed to always be guessing and surveying what might happen, especially things we have no experience with. Young offenders, especially the age of your daughter's, have not usually developed intricate grooming and manipulation skills yet, though it's possible. They are usually mirroring things they've been exposed to, and may be victims as well.

Please go through the website suggested above and read about this issue, you're definitely not alone and you have options, my heart and prayers go out to you...

Letsupporteachother, my daughter's abuse and disclosure came at similar ages to yours. She was somewhere between 8-10 years old the first time she was abused, and she disclosed at age 16. Everyone will tell you not to blame yourself, and they will be right, but I don't think there's any way through this without going through that period of self-blame and wondering what you could have done differently to spare your beautiful daughter this ugly experience. And knowing it happened so young is worse, she hardly knew life without that burden.

Even today our daughter's counselor reminded us again that many more abused kids don't tell, than do tell. It helped me when I read about and reflected that at such a young age, kids don't even have words to describe something like oral sex or sexual abuse. It's not a concept they have ever heard of so even if they didn't have a bunch of shame and confusion and fear around it (which of course they do), they still wouldn't really know how or why to tell someone else about it. Once your daughter got to an age where she could say, "Oh, that's what that was" then she did tell--many people wait much, much, longer. I don't know your story of who or how your daughter disclosed that this happened to her yet, but it's good that she did, whether or not it feels good to her right now that others know.

With my daughter disclosing at the same age, I would caution you that you probably won't have as much control over what happens after you report this as you would think. With her being a minor, you will at least be informed of what's going on and will have some participation in the counseling process, so that is good. If you can get her established with a counselor before contacting authorities, that counselor will be able to help her and you through whatever investigative process might follow and let you know what to expect. Is the other girl still a minor too? That will probably affect how they handle things. You could even contact a lawyer if you want more information on legal options, including things like whether your daughter has to give an interview to investigators whether she wants to or not, and how the way you report could affect legal options down the road.

(((Many hugs)))

Thank you guys so much for responding i appreciate it.my husband is upset i contacted the mother of my daughters offender but j felt she should know ive done some research here in az there is no statute of limitations for victims under 15 however i saw any person under 10 can not be held accountable for this crime. If i report this some how it is going to be alot of drama for us threats she is that type of person i will see what the counselor suggests? I definitely think this other girl needs serious help my daughter does not want to legally do anything

I guess part of my caution was that it may not be your choice whether it gets reported or what the authorities do after the report is in. You should still definitely get her counseling but be aware the legal stuff may very well be out of your control. If it's going to cause her more trauma to give her story to police at this time, that's something to think about sooner rather than later, and to consult a counselor about. There should be some kind of victim services that would help you if the other family does any kind of threats or retaliation--but it wouldn't hurt to ask advice before you take the next step, either from a lawyer (pricier but probably the most accurate info) or call the national sexual assault hotline Call 1-800-656-4673 and they will connect you to a local sexual assault crisis center and they will know how things are handled where you live.

She may have go into defense mode out of fear of her losing her child, or her child ending up on the registry
Some states just don't seem to have a grey area and common sense when it comes to things like that