Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I spent so many years trying to pretend I was fine for my dd, and having the message reinforced by the numerous people who said "You've just got to stay strong for your daughter". Now I have REALLY admitted I am not ok, I just keep bursting into tears.....of course I have always said I am not ok about what happened to my daughter, and I cried at first, but then society (and what's left of my family) made me feel I had to shut-up and get on with it, and that I was selfish if I didn't always put her needs first.....which of course I have tried to.....but to fully put some-one needs first you need to be healthy right? I am scared about this journey.....I am scared 'they' won't be able to fix me sufficiently.....I know I am far far far less damaged than many people.....but I also know I am not ok.....I wish I had friends who could give a little support, but they all have their own issues.....my bff went on a bit of a rant the other about her husband (who's a great guy) who had chucked a plate and she blurted out it was child abuse....she fell silent....most of my friends have issues that are so far removed from mine.
I think finding the right kind of counseling for you will help a lot, but in the meantime there are other things you can do to try and get your mind going in a more healthy and healing direction. What can you control? None of what happened to you, or to your daughter, what the courts did or didn't do, what others think or say, etc. The only thing that you can control is what you think, what you say, and how you act. Control is a big part of this at this point because you having any kind of control in all that has happened was taken away from you, so for now you need to just focus not on what others are thinking or doing or saying, but just on what you do, what you think, and what you say. Anyone who is not a positive, healthy, constructive influence at this point for you isn't someone you need to try and deal with for now until you get stronger.
I'm trying to break it down into simple things for now. This is basically what happens in counseling; the therapist helps you see where you have resources within you so you can direct what you need to do for you and your daughter. For example, I happen to be a list maker, and gain an enormous amount of satisfaction being able to cross things off my list when I accomplish them. This is a positive thing for me. I love to start my day connecting with the outdoors; even if it's freezing outside, I bundle up and take my cup of coffee or tea and the dog outside and make a point to notice the birds, the sun, the clouds, the weather, the smells, etc. This seems to be a grounding thing for me. I'm sorry I'm talking about myself here, but it's the best way I can think of to give examples of what you can do. I took all the advise I got from this site and others and tried to put some ideas into action. I did something new that I'd always wanted to do and got into genealogy and researched my family history. We did some different things together as a family to start a couple new traditions. I actually went and met a couple people I met on these sites who live fairly close to me, in public places, and one of them has become a wonderful friend. Are there any people here who are close to you who you may come to trust to be able to meet with now and then?
I'm not in the UK, but here's a link I looked up, not sure if you've tried calling here to see what resources they may have for you: https://domesticviolenceuk.org/ . What both you and your daughter went through was/is domestic violence. Verbal and emotional abuse is also DV, not just physical abuse. The agency I advocated with had many resources for women in many different situations, and everything was confidential. Most of them were single parents.
I hope and pray that these words are helpful, and that things can become more settled and peaceful for you. I think you have far more strengths and abilities than you may be able to recognize in yourself right now. Take good care of yourself, eat well, get good rest, connect with others even if it's just to say hello to them in a store or a park, make your list of what to accomplish for each day small to start out, do-able, and manageable, and then increase it little by little. Believe in yourself and your daughter. My very best thoughts and prayers go out for you both...
And you are right about being over-whelmed.......there's too much untreated trauma......but I don't feel bad every.-day.......some days I feel ok and it is a blessed relief.......its the swings in mood that are so scary.......every-time I think I am coping ok something happens to floor me........I have never recovered enough to develop resilience, and so I think you are very wise to say I need to focus on the things I can control.....and hopefully develop a few resilient strategies.
I feel safe in this group......perhaps it is because there is such a strong focus on our kids......and there are stories about healing........I go on the ptsd group sometimes and it can be really frightening as some people there are 'lifers' and I really want to be believe that my dd and I can still have a good future, not just getting by, but happy, secure and fulfilled.
Thank you again Bandmom........it really helps xxx