Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

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/ Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Support Group

Can’t get perpetrators out of my head

JFoust
JFoust

I’m the one who adopted my god-daughter as an adult.  I’m back to having trouble getting my ex-friend her ex-mother out of my head this week.    In our house, she is referred to as “She-who-sold-her-daughter-for-curtains”.  She abetted the abuse from her husband and contributed a great deal of her own. Despite the fact that she was constantly claiming to be the world’s “most devoted’ mother.    Mostly because it was her husband who had the money.  Times like this I look back at those days and I see incident after incident that now SCREAMS this is wrong.  I’m angrier at her than him.  I have a prayer for her - My the scales fall from her eyes, may she feel every moment of pain, fear and humiliation that my daugter did, and may it haunt her untill the end of her days.  Anybody have any tricks for blotting her out?

Naive1.2
Naive1.2
First of all, awesome prayer!! Just yesterday I'd been thinking something similar about the wife of my daughter's perpetrator, for reasons too involved to explain right now.

I'm not sure there's a magic switch for clearing your mind, but beginning to practice mindfulness meditation gives you a doorway into a more peaceful state where, even if that woman's image/voice, etc., come into your mind, you can just notice it and return to your breathing/mantra/whatever you focus on while meditating.

A quicker fix that doesn't involve a pile of chocolate is going for a walk and listening hard to the bird calls (or other sounds) around you. How many different ones can you identify? Can you spot the source of each sound? How far away is the source of each sound? Do you hear two or more birds that seem to be communicating? Can you hear insects humming? Etc.

I just want to hug you, I'm so happy for what you've done for your daughter.
hopefulmama
hopefulmama
My daughter's abuser was her cousin,my mother in law( grandmother to him and my daughter) chose to side with him.Hired him a lawyer so he didn't even have to talk to the police.I hate her with all my being,more than I hate him.I don't even know why.Perhaps it's because the other people who know the perp should be disgusted and say something.But they didn't.We feel they should be on our side.If someone murdered our loved one would we protect them? Of course not! In a way the abuse did kill our child,their childhood was taken away.But my anger has faded a bit,I push it down when it flares up.We are estranged from my husband's family and I try to just get on with our lives,it's not easy
JFoust
JFoust
Always nice to hear that I’m not crazy. Thanks ya’ll!
brknhrt
brknhrt
I was thinking of your post and I think part of what you are describing is the pain of grieving--taking those memories that used to be pleasant and feeling the pain of them now that you know what was really going on. I think it's common to go through that when a loved one dies (I did when my dad died) and I know it's happened with me since finding out about my son's abuse of my daughter. My experience has been that the first time a memory comes back, it is the most painful. Eventually you can remember the same thing and it will be less painful, but probably still sad. It is a long and painful process though, especially with someone you know well and was a big part of your life for a long time, like this woman was.

Another thing I've tried, with mixed success, is that if there are thoughts that are recurring and bothersome to you, try to have a plan for what you will do or think about instead when those thoughts come up. Maybe pray for your daughter, or think of something positive she is doing, think of a song that inspires you, etc. I'd say it works for me about 1/3 of the time--better than nothing.