So this week was a BIG break through for my victimized boys.

 My 13 year old, began to remember just yesterday in a very dynamic flash back (caused him to have an accident), that monster boy used a kitchen knife on my daughter.  He remembered monster boy getting a large knife from the kitchen drawer, going to a certain room where my scared but NOT tearful (remember she had been trained to not cry) clothed daughter was hunched over in a corner and then he refused to share more.  I have this conversation recorded for his therapist to work through with him.

Then today, OH MY GOODNESS, SO many PTSD staring episodes for the little guy!  I mean like he went mute for an hour because he just kept staring in between crying, hiding or physically trying to distract himself (i.e. jumping, rolling on floor, etc.)  I could see the fear in his eyes and some tortured, fearful, disgusted faces made before he'd "come to" and look at me.  He was SO attached to me today and refused to get his own clothes on, walk to the car himself, eat alone, etc.  I was able to video tape some of it...and the most heart-breaking part was when he began explaining to me what he was recalling.  "Monster boy tried to kill me, mom.  He took a knife and tried to stab me...in the stomach of course..." My baby!  He was younger than 3 1/2 having to deal with THIS type of fear!  

Both boys had never specifically mentioned kitchen knives being used before on any body.  The older one had said a pocket knife had been used on his sister and to threaten him.  The younger had said he'd been "crunched" in the back where he has scars and that it was different from being punched.  But now, they both remember knives...kitchen knives...being used on them/siblings.  My daughter has been sharing this piece for a while.  Remember, I don't share each kid's story with anyone else.  It is a private disclosure to the best of my ability!

Then tonight...I took the kids out to dinner on my own (hubby stayed home because he fell asleep.)  We had a great meal.  We get to the car and everyone begins to break down.  One kid won't move over to let the other kid sit down.  That kid's anxiety causes them to start being a silly goofball.  All 3 older kids are fighting over the front seat.  Then little guy won't sit in his carseat in the back because "I need to be near you mommy."  Then, we finally talk little guy into getting into his carseat, after a phone call from Auntie (requested by mom) and he accidentally steps on brother's owie finger which causes him to react in anger and toss little guy over the back seat where he lands on his head.  He breaks down again and I have to comfort him and talk him yet again into getting into his carseat.  Finally he does, but owie brother won't strap his seat belt in and sits sucking his thumb in a funk.  Luckily, the baby ended up falling asleep.  But we sat AN HOUR in a parking lot...waiting for everyone's panic, fears, anxiety, obedience to respond correctly so that we could go home and go to sleep!  AN HOUR.  And all that kept running through my head was those (freaking, pardon my language) words that the detective told me in our alst conversation.  "I want you to stop focusing on the abuse and move on with life."  We're talking over 1 1/2 years after the first disclosure and WE'RE STILL STRUGGLING!  But he also didn't believe my kid's stories because if he did he'd know that abuse like rapes and stabbings are not something you just "get over" but take LOTS of time, patience, therapy and healing to attain a new normal.

Little guy has a sticker chart to try to encourage him to put his own clothes on each day by himself.  He isn't responding to it very well and I don't blame him...he's "sad, shy and scared" when he gets naked.  Therapist thinks he'll try for him but he doesn't realise how much encouragement I've tried on my own.  It's just that bad. 

1 more hour stolen by that monster family who self glorifies their stupid "missions" trip.