First off, whether or not you reunify your SS and your daughter, it isn't possible now so try not to worry about that. This will not even be a consideration until he receives treatment. This will take at least a year or longer. The treatment perps receive don't simply involve a few sessions, where they say all the right things, play the game and claim they're rehabilitated. It's a serious process.

You are 100% right, if the perp was anyone else, they wouldn't/shouldn't pressure you and your daughter to maintain a relationship.

Your SS is not "just a boy". He is old enough to know that what he was doing was wrong. He knew it was wrong and did it anyway. He's only scared because he got caught and knows he's in trouble with the law and with his father and you.

Not having him around your daughter is absolutely not making things worse for her. It is protecting her from further sexual abuse! There are times she may be confused, but therapy will help with that. Her therapist will help you know what to tell her as well.

I'm am always shocked by people that rally around the perpetrator. It really is unbelievable to me. I'll never understand it. If someone sexually abused your SS, would your in-laws say the same? I have a hard time believing they would.

You are right to stand up to your mother-in-law. This is a time for you and your husband to cling to each other. Lean on those you do have.

Hmmmm...I hear all the concern for SS coming from the in-laws. Rooting for the home team, for sure. And how freakin' sexist!! If their precious grandson had molested another boy, what would they be saying then? But because he hurt your little girl,in their eyes he's "normal." They can forgive him all they like, and he can stay with them, if they favor "reunification," which I have heard/read is a concept that, in real life, never works.

Yup, I second SABINUT's comments.

You have asked the same question many of us have and myself why should we allow a sexual offender in our childrens life just because they are related to us. It would never be recommended if it was anyone outside of the family. Not only is it recommended but often pushed upon the victim. I don't think that by not allowing this person in your daughters life that you are hurting her. I think you are helping her 1) stay safe, 2) keeps him from offending on her children or others that she might bring into contact with him, 3) it sets a good example of what appropriate boundaries should be when she is older, 4) I really believe and hope with all my heart when my daughter is an adult she will thank me for protecting her from such horrible people who would not believe her and would support a child molester over her. We lost all of my family currently over this so I get the gaps but I hope that we are leaving room for more deserving people in our lives. Just because they are relatives doesn't mean they are worthy and certainly have proved otherwise to be significant and supportive people in your daughters life. I wrestled with this as well and it was a huge loss and grief but at the end of the day none of the people who have left our lives would have been their for my daughter or supported her through something horrible. What would be the point of keeping them in her life. They are in my opinion utterly useless.

Only one thing to consider......the truth...,,it will set you free...,stand by it. You may not have a large circle of family left bit you will have a loving one that is founded.on truth rather than betrayal and wrong assumptions and without consideration of ypur daughter....she is the victim....everyone else is collateral damage...period.

I have to say that I can't see anyway that reunification would work. Even IF my ss got the right kind of treatment, how would our family ever get to a "normal" place again? I will never allow him to stay with us again, period. So if he came for a visit, he wouldn't have a room anymore to go to. He wouldn't have all his things there anymore. He would be sitting in a room with both me and his father present because I will never trust him alone with my children. So I think that he would be resentful of the fact that things would be that way. I don't see a way in which I would ever be able to sit in a room with him and not want to scream and/or choke him. Those relationships are done. So even IF he was considered a "safe" person by a therapist and whoever else was involved, I still don't see how it can work.

Is there anyone who out there who has been through this and found a way to reunify successfully? I just honestly can't see it and don't want it.

I only check in here a couple times a week and am about 5 1/2 yrs down this road. My kids' situations aren't similar to yours since they disclosed to me just before they turned 19 (twins) about abuse that started 3 years earlier, by a teacher/family friend, that lasted with one of them at least weekly for about a yr. However, I can remember reading posts here and on a couple other groups that dealt with this issue.

I apologize for not knowing any other details you may have posted elsewhere of your particular story, and if this info has already been given to you. Here's a link to the MOSAC site regarding reunification: http://www.mosac.net/default.asp?pageid=98&deptid=1 . I'm so sorry you are in this position, and that all this pain is going on in your life. It's a very difficult situation no matter what side of the fence you're on, so full of emotions. Emotions/feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. But they are not a basis by which to make important decisions. People who don't reach out to try and truly understand the complicated inner turmoil that victims and/or their parents are experiencing are just not in a position to impose opinions or demands on anyone involved. Every one of these cases is different in some way from the others, and there really can't be a pat answer or an umbrella that you can throw them under. You know your daughter best, you are the one to gather all the resource info from as many sources as you can find, and make the best decisions for her. Other people's wants can be considered down the road if and when the time is right, to be determined by your educated decision, with the input of other professionals who also have their best interest in and for your daughter.

Your stepson should have his own set of people looking out for his best interest, which should include finding out why he chose to abuse (how was he introduced to that behavior); how did he come to the decision to do it, what was his level of planning--was it random, or was it intricately premeditated; are there any other victims of his; if he acted out something that was done to him, who was his offender, and does that offender have any other victims; if he was not abused, was he exposed to it some other way--witnessing someone do it, seeing it on a DVD, etc; what is the best therapy for him now; how will he be monitored as time goes along... These are the things the people supporting him should be focusing on. He and your daughter being anywhere near each other at this point should be the farthest thing from anyone's mind. IF it could even be a consideration at some point, there are many steps that need to take place first, it is miles and miles down the road.

Also, your daughter should be allowed to get to the maturity level necessary to be able to have some kind of educated input in the decision, after she's had the appropriate time and extent of therapy and healing. And it doesn't mean that she'll always be okay with it all. There may be some persisting PTSD that crops up as she goes thru different stages and experiences in her life, so changes may be necessary in any decisions that are made along the way. Everyone involved need to have the desire and commitment to honestly learn and understand this issue, and be thoroughly considerate of each person's place on the road to healing at each given point in time. The focus of everyone in this situation should be on healing the people and relationships that have been so ripped apart, if possible, and that healing, in order for it to be true and complete, is going to take a lot of time and work on everyone's part. If all these factors aren't present, the result may be that reunification shouldn't be attempted.

I hope this post is helpful to you, my heart goes out to you and your daughter and family; keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...

Typical behavior. Rally around the perp, down-play what they did. Makes the in-laws just as guilty in my opinion. They have officially crossed over into the un-safe caregiver category. They are the same people that would keep their mouths shut if they saw something happen again. In my opinion, reunification is out of the question, and it isn't my decision. It's my daughter's decision when she is old enough to make that decision. She's 8, when she's an adult, she can decide.

Bandmom5- Thanks for the input. I can't say what will happen for my ss. So far, everyone wants to protect him from "getting in trouble". I really don't care what happens with him, but if he doesn't get treatment, I will never ever consider any type of contact. The hardest part when considering what our future will hold is not really knowing how my husband's thinking could change. Right now, he doesn't want his son around our children either. But, he also won't stop being a part of his son's life so who knows what he could think a year or however long from now.

southrngrl82- Yes, I have cut off most contact with my in-laws at this point. I told them they can see my children with me present only. They flipped out of course and we haven't seen them at all. I agree with what you said. My mother in law actually told a family member that she has a brother her touched her in an inappropriate way and that he grew up to be fine so she doesn't understand my issue. CRAZY! She also suggested to my ss mother that maybe I got my ss to somehow change his story to make it sound worse than what it was, although I wasn't even the one who caught him molesting my child nor was I the one to question him about it. I hate to say it, but my husband's family are ignorant about things like this and they have a sweep it under the rug mentality that I refuse to be a part of.

Yeah my MIL tried to tell me that her grandfather touched her and she turned out just fine. I beg to differ. Neither one of her children can stand her, and she was willing to stand by her husband after not only finding out about our daughter's abuse, but her own daughter's abuse as well. Yeah she's a real stellar person, and not one that I want around my kids.

Times of adversity reveal a very helpful insight - who our friends are and are not.
Stay strong and utilize this time of transparency for future application.