Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

908 Members

4,374 Posts

0 Online

rmbadger 09/08/2015

My stepson is my daughter's abuser. He has been in counseling but not specifically for sexual offending. I have been involved with my stepson since he was a 1 1/2 old. Both of my children have known him and had relationships with him since they were born. The possibility of reunification keeps coming up in therapy and with family. I just don't see how it could work out. How would I forgive him for what he has done and how do I look at him without seeing the abuse? What scares me is the unknown. My daughter says she wants to see him again, but I can't let her be the one to decide. She just turned 6 years old. She is very naïve still, even to the point where she told her therapist that when he comes back, they could have a sleepover. First off, they NEVER had sleepovers together so I'm wondering why she would think that now they could? She knows what he did was wrong, but she doesn't really get why yet. I've already told my husband, the therapist and our entire family that he will never spend a night in our home again. The specialist we are seeing used to specialize in working with the offenders before she switched to working with the victims. She believes that reunification is possible and can be successful if the perp gets the right treatment, accepts responsibility, acknowledges the hurt they caused, and everyone wants to reunify and is careful about supervision. I just don't see it! How does that work? How can you ever trust that person to come back into your life? I'm not just worried about sexual abuse, I'm worried about how he would treat her. Won't he blame her? Won't he treat her poorly? I'm really hoping that he is too embarrassed to want to come back! That way I don't even have to take the time to consider this. Please, if any of you have dealt with sexual sibling abuse, I need your advice and stories!!!!!

SABINUT 09/08/2015

I'm so sorry you have this added stress. Take it for what it's worth as this is strictly my opinion:

I don't think reunification should be considered until the court case (adjudication and sentencing) is over. Nor until he receives treatment. Your SS is responsible for this horrible situation. No one else. It is my feeling that he should not offered the gift of reunification until he is 100% honest in admitting what he did and accepts 100% responsibility. If he is not telling the full truth about what he did, how can anyone expect or ask that he be allowed to reunify with your daughter and you? What would he learn by being allowed reunification without complete honesty and penitence?

mobley4100 09/08/2015

I have to agree with Sabinut - and that is one reason we will likely never reunify with our offender and his family. He will only admit to a fraction of what has been disclosed, and I agree that until he can admit everything, unification would not even be discussed. Knowing my sister's personality (she will never admit that she was wrong, even if her son did admit to everything), there will never be reunification anyway. I try not to worry about things we will have to deal with in the future (my parent's deaths someday), and what will transpire - but I try not to focus on things I can't control. I can't imagine going through this if it would have been sibling abuse - so ((((HUGS)))) to you. Hopefully you can navigate through this as easily as possible.

rmbadger 09/09/2015

It has been very difficult dealing with our situation because it was a sibling. In any other situation, I would never in my wildest dreams even consider the possibility of reunification. I understand how so many of you going through this cut out family and friends after disclosure. I would love to do that. But in my case, it is easier said than done because the perp is my husband's son. Myself, I am okay with walking away because I can't imagine a way to make it work with him in our lives, in any form. But for my husband, it is his son and he can't shut off the love and walk away. We aren't focusing on reunification now, I just really would like to hear stories from other people who have went through this. I know I shouldn't worry about what might happen in the future, but it is hard not to worry. There may be a point where the person who abused my daughter is around again. I need all the information I can get on how other families have dealt with this.

lusks1 09/09/2015

Short and blunt, NO WAY!

bonnieboo11 09/09/2015

same here NO WAY!

lovesmama 09/09/2015

I'm sad that warrior mama is not here anymore to way in on this conversation... But she was a good friend and support to me during the first few years after I came to this site... She also had a step brother abuse her daughter... She also had been in her stepsons life since he was a baby and had raised him as her own...nap that is why I wish she was here now to give you advice... But if she where here I know what she would say... No way to even consider reunification... No way no how...!!! She successfully cut him out of the victims life for ever... The father of the abuser/her husband maintained contact with him but he was never allowed into the family home again and he was never allowed any contact whatsoever with the victim or warrior mama for that matter... She was such an amazing strong mother and I watched as she and her daughter put the pieces of their life back together and how she was so good at creating a safety zone for her daughter within the family... I know if she was here today she would tell you... Find away to keep the perpetrator/your stepson away from the victim/your daughter...!!! This is the safest and best way to ensure your daughter properly heals from this tragedy...!!!

rmbadger 09/10/2015

lovesmama-Thank you for the reply. This is the type of information I am looking for. It really is a whole other complication when there is sibling abuse. I wish she would check in because I could really benefit from hearing how her husband and family make it work for them. That is basically what we are doing now, my husband is seeing his son away from the family. The holidays are coming up and this will be the first time we've had to deal with figuring out who goes where and how to make it work.

96Percent 09/23/2015

Your counselor sucks donkie dong!!!!
She is ignorant of what research studies have concluded about this.
Pedophilia is a $$$ game. It's a common problem and there's a lot of $$$ to be made for someone to ever find a successful way to treat it, defend it in the courts, and "reunite" families.
To date - counselors, organizations, etc continue to try and find a way. But the problem remains 100% incurable with a 100% rate of recidivism.
As far as I am aware, any scientific studies on reunification were stopped before the study could be finished due to ethics and the finding that reunification was causing more harm than good.
When you examine the backgrounds of those who encourage reunification, you will find it usually stems from some organization that claimed to be successful with reunification, but in fact, they weed out the failures to maintain a false appearing success record.
It's corrupt.
I get wanting to cure pedophilia.
I get wanting to reunite families.
It's just so where near safely attainable at this day and age.
I understand we won't find a way without people continuing to try - but my kids are not guinea pigs, are yours?
Find a new counselor who supports your thinking and who didn't once support pedophiles. She needs to put her head on her pillow every night and convince herself what she did to fix pedophiles worked. That's never going to help your child.

Naive1 09/25/2015

NO. That's all I have time to say. It may be the most important thing I've said all day.

noshamefromme 10/13/2015

I am an adult victim of child molestation and recently I began to think about how my life would have been different if my mother had reunited with my father (the offender). I can tell you as an adult that I am glad she did not "reunify" our family. I am doing some research on reunifying in general, of which I promise I would never repeat what I learned. I am curious if anyone has experience with it and would be willing to share how they felt it was going or went. I also reach out to anyone who might have questions that i am able to answer.

96Percent 10/15/2015

http://centerforjudicialexcellence.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/2008-FINAL-CSA-FACT-SHEET.pdf

See bullet #13
It quotes the research studies concluding this fact

Join the Conversation