I attended my brothers arraignment hearing and I brought my daughter and my BFF for support... I wanted my daughter to be comfortable in a court room before she had to testify! And I wanted to teach her that the lawyer and judge where their to protect her... My daughter was 6 by the time of the arraignment hearing... And because she is just a little girl I wanted her to feel as comfortable and supported in the court room and in front of her abuser as possible... I explained to her that Kacey had two choices... That he could tell the truth to the judge or he could lie and if he lied then we would have to tell the judge the truth, and the judge would believe her and Kacey would be in worse trouble than if he had told the truth in the beggining... I told her that no matter what... If we told the truth that she would be believed and Kacey would be punished...

It turned out that we never had to testify after postponing trial 3 times they finally decided to settle... And I accepted the lesser charges because I wanted to protect my daughter and my family (long complicated story!)

But we did go to court three times... Once being the arraignment hearing... Every time I brought my daughter... She was never scared and she always displayed a healthy self confidence while at the court...!!!

These visits to the court house ultimately helped my daughter gain some power an self confidence and she even went to far as to say she wants to be a judge when she grows up so she can help kids like herself... (Our judge was a female...!!!

I also want to say I got a lot of critisism and judgmental looks for taking my daughter to court, and you should have heard the nasty things my mother said about me doing this... But I didn't give a damn what anyone else thought... I wanted my daughter to be comfortable and confident in the court room and in front of her abuser... And I wanted her to feel her power...

The power of telling her truth...!!!

Mission accomplished...!!! I got what I wanted and I ignored other people's ignorant opinions...!!!

The perpetrator was my husband's son and we absolutely attended every court appearance. I wanted to make sure that little monster knew we were there and were going to do everything possible toile sure he faces consequences and also to represent our DD, to let those know we support her in every way possible!

My FIL was supposed to have a preliminary hearing, and I planned to attend just so I could stare the SOB down, but he ended up waiving the prelim hearing and his case was bound over to superior court. Now we wait. lovesmama I like what you told your daughter about the choices her perp had. I've been trying to find a simple way to explain it to my 7-year-old when the time comes.

Lovesmama, I like that idea. May I ask who the abuser was? This is my kids grandfather whom they still love. However I have explained that he did something wrong and needs to be punished, just like when they do something wrong. We meet with our attorney on Friday so I will discuss it with her and also see how the kids react. The other issue is that it is 5 hours away. The arraignment only takes a couple minutes right?

Thank you all for sharing your life with me.

My daughter's abuser is her grandfather. We haven't gotten to the point where we will have to confront him in court yet, but I've thought about telling her something along the lines that he needs help, and if he keeps lying he wont get the help he needs. I feel like if I tell her he needs to be punished then she will somehow feel she is to blame.

My daughters abusers was my brother... He was 13 and se was 5...

At first my daughter was not angry with him... She didn't want him to get into trouble and she was worried about him... I just kept on communicating to her that she should be very angry... That it is totally okay if she was not angry right now, but I told her that one day she will be very mad...

Then we talked about what sex is and I told her age appropriate explanations for sex... Then I told her that te reason Kacey was so wrong and the only one to blame is because it is against the lawtonhavw sex with your family... And it is also against the law to have sex with a child under that he of 18. And that my brother was very wrong and he knew about these laws and he knew what sex is and he new better...

I also explained that no matter what she had done, even if she had asked him to do this to her that e would still be the only one to blame... I asked her if she knew that what Kacey had done to her was illegal and she said she didn't know until I told her... Then I reiterated that Kacey knew that what he was doing was illegal, he knew that he was not supposed to do this, he knew it was wrong and this is why he never did it infront of mommy or when mommy was in the room... He never did this in front of me because he knew it was wrong.

It took my daughter a month to finally tell me that he had threatened her by saying, you have to choose either you get hurt or your parents will get hurt... And if you tell anyone then your parents will not allow you to go to school... And you won't have any friends

It wasn't immediate but she managed to build a healthy amount of anger towards him... The less she blamed herself the more she hated him...!!! Sooo I think that if the children are still attached to their abusers or are worried about him it is because they are still playing the blame myself game...!!! Once they realize that there is no way in the world it could be their fault and they realize how against the law and evil their perpetrator is then their anger respons will kick in...

To help my daughter release her anger I let her write letters to we abiser anytime she gets upset about it she will ask me if she can write him a letter... I dot send them of course I keep them all in a folder in our garage because maybe one day she will need it for more healing...!!! When she needs to witness just how amazingly brave and strong she is I will be able to show her te evidence of her.

But one thing is for sure and certain... With lots of love, lots of authentic conversations about his reasons to hold 100% of the blame... With me apologizing to her and telling her I is okay to be angry with mommy, you never have to forgive me I should have been their to protect you and I was wrong to let you down like this and no matter what I won't ever forgive myself for leaving her alone in the living room with Kacey. But that even though I did something I regret that it is still 100% Kaceys fault because he knew he was braking the law.... He knew sex was only for grown ups in commited relationships (marriage) and that it is 100% illegal to have sex with a child in your family....and that most importantly he was lying to both mommy and you so that he could brake the law... And get what he wanted... I showed we he was lying by asking her if it was true that once she told me she was still allowed to go to school and she had lots of friends... So everything he said to we was just lies to get hat he wanted which was to brake the law and not he caught... And because she was such a brave hero and told the truth, he would not be able to hurt her ever again...

At first I said he needed help... And that by her being honest that woul get him the help he needs but once her anger kicked in she was appauled with the idea that she was helping him so I had to change my words to punish... She would say, but he doesn't deserve my help...!!! So then I allowed her to fantasize about what kind I punishment she wanted for him.... She came up with some good ideas... He has to eat poop and pee, she wanted him dropped into a volcano... She had a lot of good ideas and she was soooo excited that the judge would give him his punishments because he was probably going to lie to the judge too!!!

After the arraignment hearing she asked him I he lied or if he was honest... I told her Kacey lied to the judge. She laughed and said... Now he is going to get in the biggest trouble...!!!

We where in court for 30 minutes
Yes it only took a few minutes... It maybe is not worth a 5 hour drive...

Thank you lovesmama. Your words are touching and helpful. All of you are a blessing. I never understood when survivors of terrible circumstances say that they need to bring a positive out of something so negative. As we go though this ordeal I now understand. That monster has been stopped. My children are stronger. We have learned so much about ourselves and each other. Those are things I focus on to get us through.

Update - the arraignment was called off because he submitted a written plea - not guilty