We are only 5 months out, but my daughter has done well and is as normal as she was before. In fact, things are getting better. Before the abuse was disclosed she rarely slept through the night (we have always had sleep issues, so that didn't peg my radar as a problem), and during her forensic interview she disclosed a dream she had had while spending the night at the perps house, so now that explained some of her sleep issues. She is now sleeping through the night on most nights in her own bed, which is a huge improvement. Yes, it is possible to still want the same things, and we can't keep them in a bubble - and I look at this as a blessing that knowing this happened will allow me to deal with it in the future when/if comes back out. Think of it this way - even kids who do not suffer abuse sometimes have problems in the future, so all you can do is the best you can do. I have the added trauma that my daughter is adopted, so not only will she deal with the abuse issues, but also abandonment issues by her birth mother. I hope this never happens, and we are very open with her about how she came to us and love her fiercely. Yes, it makes me angry that we have added this onto our potential problems - but they are just those, potential problems and maybe everything will be fine - only the future will tell. All we can do it continue to support our little ones, reassure them this is not their fault and keep them educated to stay safe. We talk weekly now about "tricky people" and property body safety. Just last night she said, "Mom, what if you tried to trick me" - so I said, "what could you do", and she replied that she could tell Daddy, or Nana....of course I promised her that I would never "trick" her but I was glad that she realizes that anyone can and hopefully if it happens again she will again be strong enough to tell me. We can't keep them in our care 24/7, but we can arm them with as many tools as we can to keep them safe! Hang in there.

How old r your children? I can say my daughters wete happy little girls that hrld a dark secret...after disclosure and trial...as adult when they flourish. There are times and moments but they have cchosen to not let if define them of stay a victim.

My daughter presently is doing better than I in dealing with what happened. Maybe later on it will be reversed when she understands the gravity of what happened. For now she is a happy healthy child who is blessed with two supportive patents who would do anything for her. We have cut out the family that won't either believe or support the truth which has had a huge cost but I hope later in my kids lives they see the sacrifice as a blessing. Unlike my childhood where other abusive people were more important than I. It gets better

heartsadx3, we too are removed from the abusers family and those who don't understand - but thankfully those people are few and we have a great support system of friends who KNOW that this is real. Our therapist said that the kids who do the best are the kids who have at least ONE parent who supports them - how sad is that! I think we are all doing the best we can with the cards we have been dealt and have to understand that. Our children having a great support system may do just fine and not have issues later - only time will tell. When that happens, or should I say IF that happens, at least we are armed with the tools to continue supporting our children and we can hold our heads up and say WE DID EVERYTHING WE COULD. I had a friend who said "wow, one day she will realize that you had her back, you were willing to break off all ties with your family for her" - yes, I have her back now, I will have her back 10 years from now, and I will have her back every day for the rest of her life. Kids are far more resilient that we know, and they bounce back so much easier than adults.

Please, consider it a blessing that your daughter still has a childhood ahead of her. That is clay you can still mold!! My daughter was terrorized by a violent abuser, and believed his threats to kill us, her whole family, if she told. She paid a very, very heavy price for "protecting" us. When she finally told us, 16 years later, after seriously hurting herself, one of the worst realizations for me was that we had been robbed of any opportunity to restore her childhood to sanity and safety. Do the best you can now to create "normal" for your daughter, and she can still enjoy her youth.

My daughter was abused for a short period of time 3 years ago... Now I would consider her a happy healthy "normal" child... She is definitely more mature than most of her peers, but not in a bad way, she is just more conservative and aware than the other girls her age, she is 8. She has friends in second grade who are dating boys and are boy crazy and although my daughter admits to having crushes she is very aware that she is not ready for dating and thinks her friends with "boyfriends" are trying to grow up to fast. She has a good heart and is totally honest and I love that about her... My daughter was in counseling for two years but graduated and even though she misses her counselor very much I think that she is doing very well right now without being in counseling... If for any reason anything happens that changes that I will immediately put her back into counseling... But she is very well adjusted and has not brought up her abuse in so long I can't remember the last time she said anything about it... I still think of it and sometimes it still eats at me but my little family has found a new normal... I'm still extremely hyper vigilant and don't trust anyone... I don't allow my daughter to play outside unsupervised even though I live in an apartment where there are always a big group of kids outside without there parents... I don't let her go to friends houses unless I know the parents very well and even then I only let her go for 2 hours max and I only let her go without me if the other parents are aware of my daughters abuse history... So that everyone is very clear that our family has no secrets... I think that i am an extremely over protective parent but I'm okay with that... It's what helps me sleep at night... I tend to over react at every mood swing my daughter has... I always ask questions till I get to the bottom of her bad mood... I'm sure that the abuse will effect us for years to come and I anticipate problems in the teen years when my daughter actually does decide to date... But I keep establishing a safe non judgmental relationship with her so that I can be there when she needs me... It's a lot of writing and I'm sorry... But the main thing is... I think my daughter is "normal" well better than normal because she has awerness and responsibility and maturity that counseling helped her gain, and most other girls her age do not have that background and foundation...there is hope and life after abuse... You can get through this... When I was abused my family did not handle it well and it screwed me up big time, so I was so worried for my kid, but it seems like if it's handled correctly that it doesn't have to screw your kid up for life.

What good news, lovesmama. Thank you for sharing it. You have done a great job of bringing your daughter into the present.

Lovesmama- thank you for sharing. You all give me hope in hearing your positive stories. I feel very similar to what you have written as far as being overprotective and not trusting anyone. I was already like that before I found out about her abuse so now I feel straight up crazy when it comes to my children. My daughter is 6 and she doesn't really understand what happened to her yet other than that it was something that shouldn't have happened. How did you get to a place where you felt comfortable telling people about her abuse? I have yet to find a way to handle that. On one hand, I feel it could be good for some people to know and then in other ways I have a hard time telling. I don't want people to look at her differently or for her to feel embarrassment that other people know. Truthfully, when we told some family, we didn't get a good response and that has kept me from telling others too.

Children's books do a really good job. I also read an article endorsed I think by Oprah that talked about using the term "touching problem" instead of something wrong with their head or brain etc. I wish I had read this first because it makes the most sense to me explaining to a young child. So after you tell them that it isn't okay for someone to touch your private areas or ask you to touch their privates you can say that most adults know this rule and will follow it but some adults have touching problems and you need to tell right away so they can get help with their touching problem.

I have read my daughter a book called "please tell" and another one called Healing Days which I liked a lot for explaining the feelings and process of going through being abused.

My counselor told me at the beginning I have to explain the right thing before I can explain how the perp perverted it. I read several books called the story of me and before I was born (I think those were the titles) that discusses the body and what the parts are for. Very good.

The first time I told another mother was right after it happened... She had her kids over at my house and they where all playing and we where talking about stuff and I just kind of told her what happened and that my daughter and I where going to court and that my daughter was in counseling... The next time I told another parent was when a friend of my daughter had a birthday and the mother wanted to take my daughter out for the day... I told her that was okay but that I was nervous because of what happened to my daughter and I explained that we where in the midst of a court battle... The last time I said something was daily recently... And it was because my daughters friend was over at our house and i heard my daughter disclose the abuse to her little friend so I texted the mother that my daughter had told her daughter about her abuse and that the mother should totally talk to her kid about what happened... The other mother was filled with sympathy and then said... I doubt my daughter will even say anything to me... This was a huge red flag for me about this family and I have since decided my daughter and this girl should not be friends... There was a bunch of reasons for this desicion besides for the secrecy and my daughter has agreed that she doesn't like hanging out with this girl because she always brakes the rules and keeps secrets and has a boyfriend and above all, she is a bully who hurt my daughter by twisting her arm when my daughter refused to tell a boy that this girl
Liked this boy... I have been really trying to show my daughter about how to pick good friends and how to avoid friends that will lead you into trouble.
So anyways I have told people who have judged me and my family about this,'for instance one friend of mine who has a girl 6 months younger than my daughter and who I had been friends with before we even had kids was incredibly sorry for us but also incredibly judgemental and refused to talk to her daughter about good touch and bad touch and refused to educate her kid about this stuff... I decided I didn't need friends like that and that my daughter didn't need uneducated children as playmates... Horrible decisions have had to be made... But that is all just more examples for my daughter in how to pick good friends... Good friends won't turn there back on you and won't judge you... And a good friend is the only friend worth having... I believe this is true for my daughter and also for myself...

It can be hard to realize someone is not a good friend... But it is soon worth it when you realize that you have a good friend or a parent of your kids friend that you can trust and that is educated and won't judge you...

I have also told every single teacher my daughter has ever had... I tell the teacher in the paperwork I fill out at the beginning of the year... It's never been a problem and it helps me later on when or if my daughter has problems with bullies or whatever else in school because the teacher always has a soft spot for my daughter and takes her seriously...

I know it's hard to get the words out... Sometimes it's just easier to put it in writing or a text... But just tell people... And if they have a bad reaction then they are not a safe friend to have...!!! It's better to know this stuff before than years down the road...!!! Just tell people and let the chips fall where they may...!!! If they judge you or your kid... Ditch them...!!! If they are supportive you know you can relax a little with them because there are no secrets...!!!

If i practice no secrets with my daughter I must also be a leader in that and show her what no secrets look like in other aspects of my life... Our family keeps no secrets...!!! And I'm not ashamed of what happened to my child because I was not the one who molested her... That was my brother, so he is the only one aloud to feel ashamed for his actions... But my daughter and I hold no shame for the actions of someone else...!!!

Also I have always been super hyper vigilant with my daughter... I have always been over protective...!!! So this has definitely made me worse... I had a full on panic arrack in downtown Disney when we went there with my husbands family because my daughter was running between her aunts and uncle and grandparents and no one else was watching her to make sure when she left them that she went to another family member. Then my hubby suggested we leave my daughter with her grandparents and we go on some rides and I just started shaking and crying so hard it was embarrassing... I lost it big time... So I know what you mean about feeling crazy... But I just keep telling myself and others that I'm like this so I can sleep at night knowing my kid has not been exposed to anything that would compromise her childhood... And I'm okay with being a little crazy... Even around family... Because after all it was my own brother who did this to my daughter and I was in the house... I was just in the shower... I was there in the other room...!!! So us im freakin crazy protective... Anyone else in my position would be too...!!!

Hi, it has been several years since I originally posted here. It was 2010 when I learned of the abuse my daughter endured. I want to encourage you. My daughter is now 19. She still has a lifetime of processing, but she is healthy and normal. She has scars, memories that hurt and frankly, so do I. We have learned the best thing is to feel it, allow it to flow through and not repress the emotions. Blocking the flow of emotions is when psychological damage occurs. Believe in her ability to heal. Believe in her ability to overcome and thrive and not define herself as a victim. If she learns to be a survivor and not a victim she will not be paralyzed. Instead, she will be liberated by her ability to transcend and overcome. She can still have dreams and a life full of potential; and she will. This is the gift you can give her. She can use this to make herself stronger. Most important is for you to believe in her ability to have a fabulous future. I recall a friend with good intentions telling me my daughter was going to have problems when she grew up. I vehemently argued that if I took that approach I was setting her up for failure and to have problems. This is an insidious crime but humans are resilient and inherently have the potential to expand, overcome and grow. Remember, it is about perception. This does not mean repression. I mean it is about perception. Empower her and I am confident she will be stronger and shine brighter than ever. Additionally, my daughter went through therapy, and returns to therapy periodically. She also journals often. She finds this to be therapeutic. I am confident your daughter will be all she can be. Believe and let go of your anxieties about the future and deal with today. May you be filled with hope and surrounded by comfort and love. Warmly, Janeen.

Janeen,
Your words are kind and true. I hope that in 10 years I too can write about how awesome my daughter is doing and that she has overcome this and succeed in everything she tries. I let her talk about her abuse openly with me anytime she wants to, and lately that has been daily. She is apologizing for not telling us earlier, and keeps asking why her perpetrator asked her to do the things he did. She is so wise for 5 years old- and I am certain she will continue to amaze me as she gets older. I completely agree with no letting her become a victim, but a survivor! So glad your daughter has such wonderful support and is thriving in spite of her past!

Janeen,

Thank you so much for your response! It is amazing to hear from people who have been through the process and have positive outcomes! It does give me hope and make me feel better. My daughter seems to be doing okay right now and she doesn't really understand yet what happened to her. I hope that I can help my daughter to become everything she can be and wants to be. I'm happy that you and your daughter are doing so well!

Hi there! It has been over a year since a guilty verdict was given to the monster who hurt my son. The journey was long, it took 5 years to get to this point but I can tell you that things do get better. Not magically but with a lot of work, love and understanding . For your child as well as yourself. My son was 10 when he disclosed his experience and now he is an amazing 16 year old young man , , a consistent honor student , a member of the National society of High School Scholars, plays lacrosse and he wrestles for his school as well. It has been a rough journey, there were times when we fought and yelled at wax other for the smallest things but I can assure you it will get better. I found that giving him his space and respecting his decisions and kind of letting go and is the hardest part. I wanted to protect him from everything but the truth is I can't . And when I trusted him to make the right decisions and supported him , things just fell into place and now we are closer than ever. I always tell him that the best revenge to someone who hurt you is to be successful. Show that monster that he did not beat you but made you stronger.