Hi, southerngirl2. I have not been in your situation, but plenty of others in this group have experiences similar to yours. I just wanted to say hi, and how sorry I am that this has happened in your family. I also want to congratulate you on believing your daughter. You've given her support, dignity, and a sense of hope that will be the foundation of her healing.

In addition, I wanted to be sure you had this link: www.mosac.net. The site is a wealth of information and will help you think through so many aspects of this tragedy. The founder of the site is now the author of a book, What Do I Do Now? A Survival Guide for Mothers of Sexually Abused Children (https://www.mosac.net/Book___What_Do_I_Do_Now__.aspx). The title says it all.

You will come to terms with this. It can take a long time. When you mention that therapy supports are in motion, I hope this includes therapy for yourself as well. You need to be heard, in the safety of confidentiality, as you deal with this tidal wave of conflicting emotions and perceptions.

Thank you! I did find that website and it's been a gem of information. I even sent a link to my husband. I hadn't seen the book so that's going on my list. At this point all four of us in my nuclear family are in counseling and so is my mother (and father) and also one of my brothers who doesn't even have a child involved in the case. It's amazing the ripple effects of this tragedy. I *THINK* we are doing everything right to all move forward but at this stage it doesn't even feel possible.

Hi southerngirl2,

I’m very glad you found us. Welcome to the board. When I was going through the toughest time in my life the members on here and another one of the support groups I’m in were the only thing that helped me keep my head above water.

My story is different than yours as my family situation was one of sibling sexual assault. I 100% can relate when you say you are not sure how to deal with your dad now as the one you’ve always known has been tainted.

I felt the same way towards my son. I had a hard time looking at him, being around him, even talking to him. It is so hard when someone you love hurt someone else you love.

Just know that it sounds like you and your husband are doing everything right that needs to be done. The first is to believe, report, and then of course straight into counselling for ALL of you.

The only thing I could share is not to push your child to be around your dad. I pushed my kids way to soon thinking well they’ve started counselling and they were so close before the incident that I just really wanted my family back. It was a big mistake that had my daughter feeling she had to for our family. She was not even close mentally to be thrown in that situation and it is something I will always regret.

The incident happened in 2019 and my kids are talking again and my daughter is getting more comfortable as days go on. She went through some heavy depression and anxiety but seems to be doing better. It will be a slow road that I would encourage you not to push. It sounds like that is not in the cards right now but I just wanted to tell you my experience as when it comes to family all I wanted was to hold my son accountable ( he was charged and went to juvie and is now on probation) and try to mend the family back. I wish you all the best and try to keep your heads up. It’s a terrible, stressful time for your family but you will pull through it. Take care and remember to post. It was definitely my therapy!! It will make you feel better just to write out what you’re feeling and know there will never be any judgement.

Also just wanted to let you know I’m not sure how old your daughter is but the book mentioned above is more related to younger children. I have read a lot of literature on how to support your child regarding sexual assault and have read this. Although the book is well written with good steps it did not relate to my situation as my daughter was 18 and my son 15.

Hi Southerngirl, I can also relate to the feeling of it being surreal and that it is hard for it to sink in even when you 100% believe your daughter. You had 40 years of knowing your dad one way and only a few months of knowing what he did to your daughter. It is totally normal for this to feel unreal and not to be able to truly grasp it yet. A normal and right reaction to a very abnormal and wrong situation.

Like llama I am here because of one of my children violating the other. I never doubted in my mind that it happened but for a long time I doubted my own sense of reality and my ability to trust my own convictions. I truly had to grieve a death--the death of the child (who did it) that I thought I knew, the image of who I thought that child was. With this being your dad, as you saidt ime is not on your side and there's that possibility that he will physically die while you are still grieving the dad you thought you knew for your whole life.

One thing is really hard but I felt was necessary was to learn to hold two opposite things in mind at once: that the good your dad did was real, and that the awful things he did were also real. We aren't socialized to believe that the same person can do very good AND very bad things--but it's true of all of us to some extent, though most not to the extent of your father.

Thanks llama for the tip on not pushing things too fast. I will keep that in mind and listen very closely to them. Both of my daughters (one a victim age 8 and one a witness age 10) really want to see my dad and I'm the one who is now thinking "never".

Hi, southerngirl2. How are you doing?

I am angrier and angrier each week at my father as the reality of what was done sinks in. I was abused as a child by a non-family member. It wasn't to this degree and yet it still had a profound impact during my adolesence and early adulthood. I'm pretty sure I won't be talking to him and therefore my kids won't be talking to him for a very, very, very long time, if ever. There simply are no excuses or apologies big enough right now to repair the damage. Now we just wait for the court case to slowly work its way to closure and maybe get to focus on something else by the time Easter is here. I don't even want to be in the same courtroom with him so I'm praying the prosecutor and defense attorney agree on a plea before the court date comes. As an abuse survivor I will walk my daughter down this path and do everything in my power for the entire family to move past this horrific incident in a healthy way. I've shared enough details with my older daughter for her to understand that telling us what she saw has actually revealed something more important than she ever could have understood. Now that the major holidays have passed it'll be easier to put more and more time and distance between us.

Hello. This is my first entry here. I was glad to see your post if only because it means I'm not the only one. My two daughters, 20 and 17, this summer finally disclosed what my father had been doing since as long as they could remember. And suddenly the traumatic life we've lived made perfect sense, and I've been drowning in surrealism since. Anger, guilt and sorrow, horror and surrealism are my world now. I'm going crazy because even the therapists don't know what to say to that.

@winter_tree: I'm so sorry to hear that. I've moved from being numb to getting angrier and angrier about the situation because of how he made a few minimalizing comments before the Guardian at Litem shared the full interview notes. OMG you can't excuse this away. Now I'm working to accept the dichotomy of a good father and an abusive grandfather all in the same person. Both are real and valid for me (not sure if you had a good chidhood). What doesn't change is that my children will never be alone with him ever again and at this point I don't predict them seeing him (despite their continued requests) until he's on his death bed or when they turn 18 and get to make their own choices. I have mostly moved past the guilt because there is no way any of us saw this coming and had almost no clues. A couple of random comments from the girls in hindsight may have been clues, but I am 100% comfortable now saying there is no way anyone would have read into those comments differently. And I've also come to terms with the fact that I may not be ready to see or speak to him in this lifetime. It's his fault not mine if he goes to his grave before I'm ready to talk. I get to heal on my timeline which may be longer than a 77 year old has left on this Earth and that's just the way it is. the requests to see him get further apart now that the holidays are over and they know it's in the judges hands right now, not mine. It's going to get a little harder when the sentencing is final and then it's up to me to continue to say no.

Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to move in a linear fashion for me at all. I'm here there and everywhere at once, mentally. From grief to anger to numb and back again like a bouncy ball, hour to hour some days. Right now it's mostly guilt.

I did have a good childhood. He was my hero right up til this past summer.

I'm not doing well holding good and bad in the same person yet. I can't think of anything he did that wasn't a cover for him now.

This Christmas was extremely hard to get through, especially with my mom dying 2 years ago Christmas. We don't even know what she knew.

The police haven't indicted him yet. It's making us all crazy.

Oh yes. Definitely not linear and I move all over the place between feelings. I can't say I'm totally holding the two opposites well but that's what I'm working on. I just can't totally write off 40+ years of good stuff due to two years of bad stuff. I know some may think I'm crazy to still see the good but I do. We are currently waiting for a new date for the preliminary hearing which was supposed to be last week. Since July I've been on what felt like an almost daily roller coaster of emotions. I've processed a lot so the ups and downs are leveling out. I'm just ready for sentencing so we can move on.

My birthday was in December. I was a weeping mess because he didn't send a card or email, and I hated, HATED, myself for caring.

Today my sister gave me the birthday present he gave her for me. It was a box of fancy chocolates. He wrapped it himself and wrote my name on it.

I am a weeping mess as we speak because I HATE myself for caring.

I don't think anyone would understand except people that have been put in this position.

It wasn't a 2 years thing for my girls. They say they don't remember a time it wasn't happening. Our lives were insane because of the way they acted out. HE DID THAT TO US.

I thoroughly believe he murdered the potential people my daughters may have been. They have severe lifelong problems now.

HE MURDERED MY DAUGHTERS POTENTIAL. How is it possible I'm so weak I still care if he loves me enough to remember my birthday?

I feel like I'm still betraying my daughters because I'm crying over this.

I'm sorry you and your daughters are having to go through this. It's an awful thing and all your emotions are valid. My dad fell and hit his head and got stiches last week. He should have been in Florida but his bond means he's stuck in cold Virginia. I was concerned when I heard because he's my dad. Then I felt a little guilt because he's "stuck" in VA because of this case and wouldn't have slipped on ice in FLL. Then I remembered that's HIS problem because of HIS actions. That doesn't mean that I can't still be concerned about his injury (and the CAT scan shows a possible tumor when they were checking out the injury. oy vay!) I'm definitely not on speaking terms with him and not going to go down to his aide and I'm still going to be pissed off for years if not forever, but I'm glad my mom shared the information (she went to FL without him which was the best decision ever for so many reasons). He was a good dad and then lately a shitty grandfather so my emotions will continue to go back and forth and I'm not going to let others make me feel shame for still having some positive feelings along with the negative feelings. My feelings are mine and I won't apologize for them or feel like a weird for them either. I will keep my daughters safe. I want him held accountable. I also still care. It doesn't have to be either or. It can be both.

Winter_Tree, my situation is quite different from yours, but I want you to know that EVERY emotion you feel in this situation is legitimate. Caring about how your dad treats you is a natural emotion you've been feeling since you were very young. That's not going to just turn off because you know a new truth about him. You will probably get to the point where you don't care -- at least, not as much -- because going through this nightmare rewires your brain. You are likely to end up so much stronger than you had ever imagined possible, but right now you are broken.

You aren't betraying your daughters for feeling an ancient, natural emotion every child has felt. You have big adjustments ahead, but they won't happen right away. Forgive yourself, please. You have done everything right to support your daughters since you learned about the abuse.

I agree that this crime is quite similar to murder. Certainly, the carefree, dream-filled children we brought into this world are gone, and for that, I (and my daughter) believe that child sexual abuse should receive a mandatory life sentence. That's how long our precious children will live with the effects of this crime -- although recovery, or at least, the process of increasing recovery, can happen.

Who knows who our children would have become had they been spared this pain? We have a right to mourn! And yet, we have a right to love who they have become -- ANYWAY -- just as they deserve to be loved. They, too, are stronger than they know. With counseling, self-advocacy, and all your support, they can discover their superpowers and put them to use in constructive ways.