Gosh, I'm so sorry. Have you found a therapist for yourself? You need a professional guide for YOURSELF. As much as your daughter needs you, she also needs to know that she's not destroying you. She needs to know that bad feelings don't have to destroy people, that they are manageable in healthy ways. She may be hearing this from her therapists, but she needs to see it happening in real life to know that it really works, and you are her example.

You also need some time off. While your husband is away at work for 12 hours a day, he is not facing this drama. Even if he's worried about what may be happening at home, he must refocus on the mechanics of his job, which, while difficult, is nevertheless satisfying, because he literally gets to make things better every day. Every day he can sit back and say, I just finished something good that makes me feel worthwhile. YOU need something for you. You need something that you can do daily, or at the very, very least, weekly, that's just for you. And it needs to be away from the house. Your husband needs to take a turn at home so you can leave without fear. You've said no one is helping, but you're denying yourself a resource by not gently insisting that you need time to give something else the kind of full concentration your husband gets to give to his work, in order to get your mind off the chaos at home.

I suppose it's possible to say that, yes, you can't parent because you don't have a YOU anymore. What would help you feel like you again? Volunteer work? Painting? Biking? DO IT.

Naive1,
Wow did that bit about working dad's and their ability to see good each day hit home! Thanks for describing what I've been feeling so that I now can quantify it!

Bonnieboo11,
My husband is a computer tech and put a special program where he could control what websites and even search criteria he wanted to block. He was even able to specify a specific time, 1 hour a day in the middle of the day, for my son to access the Internet. There are many programs out there but I can vouch for Netnanny. If you feel the need to allow your daughter to have electronics, I urge you to apply a protective system like this to each device she has access to.

I would sit her down and gently have a conversation about how actions have consequences and that you want to protect her from damaging her life journey any more than the perp already has so you are going to install this system to HELP HER make wiser choices with what she does on her devices. Also set a time limit of how long she's lost the devices and STICK TO IT! Don't let her manipulate you into caving early! Her actions are a cry for help and for someone (err...YOU...) to take control of a situation she feels she has no control over! This is actually a blessing in disguise because she's handing you her life on a platter and NEEDS you to make a step that shows her she'said WORTHY of protecting from more harm, even if she's the one that causes it. So please don't feel bad for grounding her from devices for a bit; the structure of that action is exactly what she's begging for in her actions of acting out. (And don't think I'm yelling when I capitalize...it's to show the inflection I would put on certain words if we were talking face to face.)

On a totally different note, this is also a golden opportunity for more disclosure! You now have the option of asking "has anyone ever taken a picture of you naked before?" "Has anyone ever sent you a picture of their privates before?" "Is this the first time you've seen a man's penis?" "Has anyone ever seen your breast before?" And so on and so forth. This impulsive action of setting along with some of the other things she's been saying lately leads me to believe that she's trying to process through a memory that has to do with a man's privates. That's my humble opinion. One of the early signs my daughter didwas take pictures of her and her brother's privates. (A year and a half before disclosure.) I now know that this is because monster boy had been taking pictures of her during abuse and that he'd given her a picture of him naked that he printed out from the computer. (Sadly, she gave it back because she was so embarrassed!) So, try to see a your daughter's actions through a filter of processing...she's trying to make sense of what happened to her. Her actions and words are purposeful not random. Whatever goes in her head, she just acts right out lately!

I hope this may have given you a bit of hope. It turns out all of the intense allegations my children disclosed from the start, including the ones I figured HAD to be made up, we're mostly all true. My husband said that after reading up on disclosure that a lot of the time kids will throw little lies into the big truth. Normally they lie to make it less scary...not worse. So if she's just starting this process, she has a lot more to tell you. Definitely share with her most trusted therapist so they can help her process this...and the comment about a man driving by with his privates. She's trying to tell you what happened so don't dismiss it for crazy talk. This might go on the perp's file!

Naive, I do some volunteer work but I can't commit to much because I never know when my husband will be home,He works for a company that fills potholes,he is the fleet mechanic,they also lease out to other companies so if there is a break down he goes out of town to fix the truck.He gives me "time off" whenever he can,I do take time for myself,really.I walk the dog nightly,I take time for myself.I will look into counseling.Warrior, I do have a gut feeling something more has happened,that comment about the guy driving by really is sticking in my mind, I am afraid to think that something else happened,Maybe them not remembering everything at once is for our benefit too, that we can't handle everything all at once.

Bonnieboo, I'm glad to hear that you do some volunteer work, but you do need to commit a certain amount of time your own needs, or you won't believe you're important enough to meet them. I understand having a husband "on call" like yours is -- my husband was like that for years, and I felt that I had to accommodate his schedule because he, like your husband, was the only source of livable income for our family. I know it's hard to say, "Sorry, but I will be gone on Wednesday nights to pack lunches for the homeless, and our daughter needs coverage." However, even doctors know when they'll be on call, and your husband has a right to his own life beyond his work hours. He can schedule a two hour period once a week during which he cannot be asked to come in; he doesn't need to explain anything.

Walking the dog is good for a stretch and for the fresh air, but you will get more out of doing something that's working toward a goal that's important to you.

I'm glad you are plan to look into therapists now.

*planning

And ditto WarriorMomX5's observations about photography. This is such a common feature of child sexual abuse. I'm pretty sure my daughter's abuser took pictures of her, because she began to hate having her picture taken, and sometimes had a haunted look when the cameras came out. She also had photos taken by her rapists when she was a young adult. These were distributed about her school. She told me about the rape within a few weeks, but only told me years later about the pictures. Sociopaths love to prove their power. Photos remind them, and others, that they have won.