Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
It would appear reading this forum that my story is not an uncommon one yet it feels like I am all alone. But heres my story.
Been with my husband since we were 17 and married 31 years. We were a close family of 5 (3 adult kids) that did everything together. Last month (is it really only a few weeks ago?) while sitting in the living room the cops swarmed the house with no warning. We sat there for what seemed hours as they went through everything - all my personals, all our belongings - and took everything electronic. I was informed charges were laid by my daughter (now adult) dating back 14 years to 5 years ago. They arrested him. He was gone and I haven't heard from him since. I never asked if it was true, he never said it wasn't. I just couldn't find any reason for her to lie - it is not in her caring nature.
In the space of a couple of hours i lost everything. I lost my husband, my friend and companion, my business partner. My memories of a happy family (not without problems but we had weathered the storms), my entire adult life in question, my trust in myself. And I thought I had lost my daughter.
Who is this person I am married to? What kind of mother am i to have not seen this?
And that is all the selfish side of it - what I lost. It doesn't touch what she has lost or the childhood she never had.
She was not home that day - prewarned. My adult kids live with me. She disclosed and has support from my parents. i am glad for that but it has left me out of it. I feel seperate from the whole thing - caught in the middle and not connected with either. She tells me its not my fault and that I couldn't have known. I asked how she could live at home hating him so much that she never wants to see him again - she says its because she loves us so much. She didn't want to hurt us so left it so long to say anything.
She hugs me, she loves me. And I don't feel like I deserve it.
My husband and I were broken when we married, just thought we did better being broken together. We said the broken stops now - no more generations affected. I was shut off due to my past, he had issues with porn from his. I thought the problems were just with us. I never dreamed it would affect anyone else, let alone her. Thats my biggest nightmare come true that are living.
She is in therapy. She seems to be getting on - back at work, time with friends, comforting others. Maybe its the relief of no longer facing her abuser.
I am the one who is a mess yet its not my life that has been destroyed. I should be angry but I just feel so so sad for everything she and us have lost and I can't stop crying. I am doing everything i can to let her know she is believed and supported and trying not to be emotional when she is around. But I still care what happens to him and that just makes me feel like such a bad person. I have just seen so much wrong in this perverse broken world. I have tried to shelter my children from it and thought that I had. I feel so guilty because i thought that I had protected them from the world. But the pain was caused at home and not where I was defending from.
I am trying to get therapy but not easy to get in. I have been reading the posts on here today and for the first time feel like maybe someone else might understand what I am going through. Sorry for the long post.
You're having normal conflicted feelings. I cried so much when my ex-husband got arrested, we were still married but separated for 2 years.
I didn't realize these feelings are normal until the DA, my attorney, detective, told me these are normal feelings. My Ex-husband got arrested at the beginning of this year, we have a trial next month. My daughter and I received subpoenas from the court to testify against him. I don't know how that is going to go.
My daughter disclosed the abuse. It took me many months to get out of the shock. I was & still am sad, devastated, broken, and forever damaged. I cry every time I talk about but not as bad as when I first found out.