Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I was not expecting much from my mother in law(daughter's grandmother) because in the past she has always shown favortism with the grand kids.taking some on vacation every summer,obvious favoritism at Christmas and not even trying to hide it.And guess who her favs are, yup the perpetrator and his brother.So she was suppose to take my daughter school clothes shopping today.We were going to meet at one store and then she called and asked if we could go to the one closer to her house than ours.She really does not drive anymore, plus she thought she could talk my daughter into going to another store that she had coupons for instead. My inlaws do not have to worry about coupons, they are very well off.But that isn't even the point. I am all about coupons and would never expect her to spend tons on my daughter,but once a year when she is the one who asked daughter and also asked where she wanted to go, well that's different.So we were to meet at her house and I had my husband call her and tell her we will wait outside for her( my daughter is not comfortable going to her house since that is where she was molested by her cousin) My mother in law goes off on my husband "Oh that's ridiculous,blah,blah,blah. So he told her to forget it and hung up.She calls back and leaves a message," I was looking forward to spending the day with (my daughter), I told her we would go shopping and I wanted to go but if she disrespects my house what am I suppose to do?" WTF disrepects her house? What about her grandson who violated my daughter in her house? WTF is all I can say, I am so mad and sick of her supporting some grandkids and not others.Who says that. She always tells me she never coddeled her kids and wont coddle her grandkids.So I guess a 9 year old girl can be molested and she should just get over it.I am so mad I cant even think.To show you what kind of person she is, well she took the grandsons to Disney World for Christmas 2 years ago and even though she was in the car on the way there,note: she was not driving, she did not even call my daughter to wish her Merry Christmas! In fact if it were not for my sister in law we wouldn't have even known they went! Who does that? If I told you all that she has done you guys would not believe me, honestly its just too unbelievable.Thanks for letting me vent
heartsadx3
Deep breath momma....the sooner you decide that your family and children's care, expenses, gifts what gave you are you and your husbands to provide for and the more you position your independence to care for those needs the better you will feel. They can do whatever with their money it does not matter to you or your family. Here's the thing she doesn't care about you or the kids and me she uses the money to control and manipulate you. In a perfect world a grandmother well to do or nit would be there in helpful ways and you would never feel the way you do....if you need help and we all do sometimes I get that look for people or organizations that you would feel good receiving from. My parents have money and for a long time it upset me that they didn't help more but when I did what I'm telling you I felt better and more in control so when she offers to do school clothes say thanks we've got it covered this year. Appropriate times for gifts Christmas and birthdays just be thankful they do anything or set a boundary that while you appreciate the gifts the favoritism is hurtful and you will be forgoing gift exchanges with them. Stand up for yourself you don't have to sit there waiting for the crumbs... I'd rather be in a homeless shelter than ask my mom for help. Best of Luck. You will feel the best when you need NOTHING from them.
heartsadx3
And teach your kids that just because someone gives you things doesn't mean it's okay for them to treat you poorly. The people you want in your life will love and value you for you and their gifts are just apart of a loving you not a form of abuse.
mobley4100
I am very thankful that my mother is able to stay neutral with our abuse/abuser. I don't expect her to hate him or shun him - he is her grandchild also and she should not have to be in the middle. My mother has always treated us all fairly, and this situation has been no different. If you asked by abusers family, they would scream that she has taken our "side" - which I guess technically she has, as she understands and believes my daughter, but she has always been loving to our abuser. My heart breaks for what she is going through - as she never wanted to see her family torn apart - but she is finally starting to accept this too. But - she is also not manipulative like the grandmother you described. Don't let her impose drama - I agree with heartsadx3, tell her no thank you, and don't let it bother you - and move on. Or explain that if she can't have an equal, supportive relationship with your family - there won't be one. Divided families are an unfortunate product of these situations, but if that is what has to happen to keep the drama and stress out of you and your daughter's lives - that may be what has to happen. It is hard, but life does go on, and I strongly feel like you can choose who is and isn't in your life. My mother-in-law thinks if you are family you have to love each other - I don't agree. Why do you have to participate in an unhealthy relationship just because you are related to someone? Good luck with keeping the drama away - hopefully things will calm down for you at some point.
bonnieboo11
Exactly, a gift is a gift, She bought her son and his wife a house but of course it came with strings attached, only in her neighborhood so her grand kids were close,my daughter doesn't even want to go with her anymore. In fact my daughter only sees her out of obligation and respect. No matter what or how much money she gives her.Now my parents have NO money but they are supportive, nice,treat all the grand kids equally and my daughter loves them.I have never met a woman like her.We are expected there for every holiday,birthday ect. Well she is in for a big surprise, I am spending Thanksgiving at home,without them.I don't want to be a bitch or disrespectful,I am a Christian and was taught to respect my elders, but right now she is testing my faith.i have always been a thorn in her side because I don't give in to her B.S.She has helped us many many times with financial matters but that does not mean she can control us.We do appreciate her help but enough already, and to top it off she is a devout Catholic, never misses church, follows all the rituals ect, is involved in her church and it makes me sick that she acts like this.I will take your advice and not rely or expect anything from her.Now I need to go pray for forgivness for the thoughts in my head of what I want to do/say to her!!!!! Thanks
heartsadx3
You go girl!!! You will feel much freer once you've let any expectation from that person go. Let go of the past you are more aware now of the type of person she is and move forward. Any involment is on your terms and with boundaries ie limit any time spent. Even if you don't want to completely cut them out limit the visit to say an hour or less no more than x times a month. Don't confide anything other than weather related news lol. Don't make your children be alone with her especially if they don't want to be. She may not be happy but tough cookies. Your and Your children's well being is more important!!!
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