You are not crazy! This whole nightmare is about loss and we go through the stages of grief just like with any loss, maybe not in the same order or maybe even several at once. The stages of grief are denial, anger (sound familiar?), bargaining, depression, acceptance. I stayed in the anger for a long time and it helped me to get through the criminal process. I have a bad temper anyway (red head!) and really had to tone down my reactions to people. So you went off a little on someone who was incompetent, so what? Yes, be kinder to yourself!
I think I get the most mad when I am afraid. I hate not being in control. Boy have I had to really let go of some of that control as I have journeyed on the road to healing! Praying has helped me to turn over things for which are too big for me to handle alone.
PS, truly crazy people are too sick to even ask if they are crazy.

Yep, can really relate to what you are saying about anger. My anger/temper (hot Hungarian blood) has caused many issues in our family which I won't go into or I will get depressed big time again and blame myself for what has happened in our family, and I've had enough fingers pointed at me lately. I have made huge inroads these last six months and had to forgive myself. A very painful journey in this whole sordid mess. I know that my anger is very much a lack of control issue too, so when I am scared or feel out of control, like now, it becomes a huge issue. Like you, I am learning to let go of things I realise I can't control or shouldn't try and control.

I think that my counsellor is expecting to see my rage at some point but it never comes when I am with her. Just glad that my family weren't around to see me today. Dh also got angry with someone today but not to the same extent and it takes a lot for him to reach that point. We laughed at each others outbursts, both of which were with people we have been trying to get resolution from for months. I think that dh and I will both see results from our outbursts, just a pity we had to reach that point to get the people to do their jobs properly.

The last time I flew off the handle like this was with an Indian telemarketer trying to convince me my computer had a huge problem and I needed to send him an email and give him access to my computer etc. Poor guy probably went off on stress leave. Hopefully he's doing a job that's honest now!

I'm not sure if this anger is part of grief or not. Seems to be all over the place, but I had just come to the decision to never see our son again and since then I haven't cried once about him and try to block off any motherly thoughts towards him. Not healthy but I've already done so much crying about him, maybe I should just let it keep coming. I've had to be strong for my daughters as they haven't been in a good space these last two weeks. Just trying to keep one foot in front of the other and make decisions as they need to be dealt with. I used to love planning things, but now I only plan what absolutely has to be dealt with.

Will try and practise some grounding techniques.

Hahaha!!!! Yep! Truly crazy people ARE too crazy to know they're crazy :-)

And thus perp probably explaining away in his mind that it's my fault he's a monster :-)
We all know that level of crazy :-)... Sadly.

Sometimes anger and disbelief that that MF'er is still living free come on so fast and intensely that it takes the wind out of me. It hit me in the middle of a meeting a few weeks ago, and I said out loud, "Oh, my god." Amazingly, the person I was talking with appeared not to hear me, or just pretended not to notice.

"Oh my God". That's horrible and funny all in one that you did that.
Horrible those thoughts are our reality
Funny you just spoke ur mind aloud like that - n I totally get it myself :-)

I have always had the rule not to use the Lord's name in vain and would always say Oh my gosh, but now it is always Oh MY GOD!! I say it over and over and over!! I am not saying His name in vain, neither are any of you... I know that I am truly calling Him!! I need Him so desperately now more than ever in my whole life!! Oh My God comes out of my mouth all of the time!! There are just no other words!!

I have been very angry as well!! I have never hated a person in my life... I do now and I am so angry for what he has done to my little girl... to all of us!! I guess we can be angry together!! For lack of better advice, let's be angry together!!

Glad that you can see the humour in some of this. Sure wasn't funny in the heat of the moment! Things have calmed down but my brain still feels so dead.

Don't know where I'd be without God in my life right now. So many times I've had just the right words to read at the right time, the right book in front of me, an unexpected surprise from a friend etc.

Yes, let's all be angry together. We have more of an impact that way. Glad that we can stand together as this is such a silent suffering in so many ways and unless you've gone through it you really can't comprehend the damage and hurt, which is different for everyone but we still have a lot in common.

Just want to get out and walk but it hasn't stopped raining in days. Shouldn't complain as we badly need the rain after an incredibly long hot summer.

I can totally understand it not being humorous at all in the moment, but sometimes, I have had to laugh to keep from absolutely losing my mind. I know that laughing is hard to do for everyone on here and I hope you know that I definitely took your anger and experience that upset you seriously. I totally understand anger surfacing all of the sudden. I have experienced that myself. I did really mean it when I said for us to be angry together and I agree... it makes more of an impact that way!!

I'm sorry. Oh boy. Ozmum - my post was to Naive1s post not urs. My bad for not clarifying.
Nothing funny in your situation now... Not at all. So sorry.

I was commenting about Naive1s blaring out OMG in the middle of nowhere. I get that - and often do the exact same thing. All of our situations each in it's own way - incomprehensible. And the blaring out of OMG in the middle of nowhere - it's such a perfectly descriptive occurrence of a new normal probably in many of our lives.

I did not mean to be insensitive to anyone - rather more like OMG yessss!!!

96Percent - that's fine. I was a bit muddled, but that's nothing unusual these days. No offence taken.

Off to look at some houses today to see if we can find a new one to call home. We are all well and truly ready to leave this place, but certain things are going to be hard to replace. We have amazing views of some mountains and for us that's up there with oxygen.

Emotions have settled down somewhat and dd15 is in a much better space. Will try and have a talk about recent suicide attempt. For me that is so confronting but something I know I have to do. Talked it over with my counsellor so have an idea of what to say. Riding the highs and lows of this journey really take it out of you. I have learnt to appreciate so many things i took for granted though. Sad that it takes something like this to bring you to that point sometimes.

I aim to make at least one joke a day -- i.e., to come up with something funny on my own. It helps me remember who I used to be.