Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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/ Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Support Group

Advice & comfort needed

Thistooshallpass09
Thistooshallpass09

In April,2019 my 9year old daughter disclosed that her grandpa**Not biological**(my husbands dad) had been touching her private area,this happened at her grandparents house,while i was working she told her dad and my husband being a protective parent confronted his father which denied it of course the coward that he is, the grandfather charged at my daughter ready to put hands on her,my husband pushed him back and thats when i arrived confused as so much yelling and screaming i immediately took my 3 kids away from that situation as i didnt know what was happening after securing them in the car i asked my oldest what happened and she then told me,  i then called the police to report it,since the beginning i knew this wasnt going to be taken serious, cops came and only took our information down and told us a detective will contact us on Monday(we reported Friday night) Monday came and nothing, I had to call and ask what was happening(tuesday) set us up for interviews at amberlys place, my daughter was traumatized, it broke me down dramatically, my daughter would hide behind me or my husband when any adult male came near, from family strangers coworkers, so when the interview took place it was a male investigator that took our case and interviewed my daughter in a tiny room alone, i was called to stand behind my daughter in the interview room as she refused to talk without her parents there which i was told i can not talk what so ever only hold her, this room was so small that the chairs facing eachother (one for my daughter one for detective) where less than 3feet apart when sitting knees could be touched from how close this was, for a child having to go through what she went through this was unprofessional, well my daughter went on to a fetal position and cried she said her grandpa touched her in her front private under her underwear and then she shut down not one other word came out nor did she repeat herself, my daughter did not talk to me for about two days after that interview as she said why i made her tell a police(detective) what happened to her, shes embarrassed, i had to put her to counseling as my baby only 9years old told me she wish she was dead because of what her grandpa did to her, she said why did it have to happened to her, our lives have changed dramatically my once outgoing extremely energized daughter turned sad and depressed and isolating, weeks go by i called almost everyday to get updates and i am sure i annoyed them but i wasnt going to let this go unnoticed, it finally came 2months later that the grandfather was interviewed he denied it completely they offered him a polygraph and shocking he agreed, after the polygraph was given they took him back to interview for the results, the detective told him he failed miserably, grandpa still denied it, he was told multiple times the numbers(test) dont lie and he stuck with it never happened he read the results to him all his personal or generic questions he answered correctly but once the question involved my daughter or sexual intentions he failed, he was told he was free to go and the grandpa asked " I can leave?" "Can i move out of state?" detective told him he can do what he wants he has not been charged but cant tell him anything else, i received call from detective and was told about his results and i asked if he was arrested or charged detective told me no i asked why not you got proof he told me a polygraph cant be used in court and they can not press chargest as he did not admitt to the assault, and because my daughter did not want to talk(to a male man after the trama she been through) there was nothing else they can do, i went to detective supervisor, i wrote emails to other agencies and so on and after everyone telling me nothing they can do,to just let go and move on????? Really so just pretend my daughter never got touched just forget that the man is out there free possibly doing it to others and no punishment for his actions?? Well here we are a little over a year later and it still hurts as it just happened i still struggle with my depressed now 10year old wishing she was dead while this pig is out there enjoying his fucken life and not one ounce of guilt what he did...i do have video copies of the interviews and reports but unfortunately even now my daughter will not talk nor would i force her. but i think it should of been handled differently maybe a female detective from the beginning maybe more concern of this situation, all i want is some type of justice for my daughter without having to traumatize her and have her talk to more people about her situation...i have so much different feelings going through my head just dont know how to handle things its soo hard, the fear of loosing a child because of what someone did to them, i comfort my daughter so much and give her what she wants but i can still see depression in her and that kills me inside, i myself 27yrs old am suicidal i deal with alot of mental depression and this just made it worse i have to fight my self to stay strong and here for my kids, i was raped at 16yrs old and got pregnant with my now 10year old daughter, so this fucks me up more the fact that i protected them so much to make sure what happened to me never happeneds to them and as a mother i failed because now my baby is going through something similar

Bandmom5
Bandmom5
I'm so sorry for all you are going through, but glad you reached out here for support. I don't think the process you described that your daughter went through is at all what should have happened, highly unprofessional. One thing I think you could try is to have your daughter evaluated at a child advocacy center. If you google that and your state, it should give you a link to the centers in your state, and you can pick the closest one to get an appointment at. They are experienced with interviewing and therapy that is age appropriate and trauma centered. The main focus is to get your daughter to feel trusting enough of a professional who she can disclose to, who can then advocate for her and you with law enforcement. I think you are also eligible for counseling there as well since you're a secondary victim. Getting the right kind of therapy really helps a lot. I hope this is helpful, keeping you and your daughter and family in my thoughts and prayers.
Thistooshallpass09
Thistooshallpass09
Thank you for a reply really helps, i have noone to talk to that understands so i searched online and found this website hoping others would comfort me a bit more than friends and family that all tell me let it go which is extremely hard to just forget and move on, my daughter was put in a program i believe was Easterseals Blake Foundation which would advocate for her but after 4months of counseling they told me it was doing more harm to her than good as she was not communicating with them and they tried to ask her questions without being blunt about it and she would just say she dont want to talk about it, she did state to counseling that her grandpa would give her thing or let her do what she wanted after her being violated, that was the only thing she said in 4months of counseling, which i was heart broken as i felt they gave up on us i understand not to put a child in trama by reminding them about the situation but it just seems they gave up just 4months which was really only 12 sessions in total once a week...but im holding in i myself have asked my daughter if she would like to talk to someone but says no she just wants to forget
hopefulmama
hopefulmama
TW-Welcome,I am so sorry.I agree they handled this whole thing horribly.A child advocate should have been with her.But moving forward a good trauma counselor is very much needed.I was once told by a very good trauma therapist that the specific trauma does not have to be in detail,trauma is trauma.Well that's how I explain it,The feelings that trauma brings are the same and not specific to the trauma.A good trauma therapist does not need to know the details of what happened,just the feelings that the child has.My daughter was 8 when it started,she is now 16 and we are 4 years post disclosure.She developed depression,suicidal ideation,self harm.At 14 she was out of control,I thought for sure I was going to bury her.She went inpatient many times.I locked up all sharps and meds.You need a good psychiatrist and a great trauma therapist.Therapy for my daughter was sometimes just sitting there pissed off and telling the therapist she just wanted to die.She once told the therapist to f-off.But slowly it helped and she trusted enough to talk.If by some miracle you live in the Philadelphia area let me know,I can give you lots of referrals.Hang in there
Thistooshallpass09
Thistooshallpass09
Thank you so much i honestly never thought of another therapist i just assumed that was the only kind she needed was the one they provided after the incident, but i will look here in my town for a trauma therapist, small town in Arizona but if not then ill look into making a 4hour drive to phnx area if i can find a better one out there, my daughters life is worth the extra distance, it just took me as a shock at such a young age to think about death i didnt until 16yrs but then again my incident happened then and well my daughters younger its just so overwhelming never expected a once close family member to be her attacker, i know i dont let strangers alone with my kids and before they became family they were never alone with my kids as we started off not in good terms couldnt stand eachother so they where never with my kids it just sucks to be in a situation twice already and i hope and pray last too, thank you very much for recommending a new type of therapy
brknhrt
brknhrt
So sorry you need us but glad you found us. I'll just add yet another vote that finding the right counselor both for your daughter and yourself is going to be a key to recovering. Another resource that might help you find a good counselor is the national sexual assault hotline, which will link to an agency in your area--800.656.HOPE (4673)

You can't "just move past it" or "just let it go". You're right, that's impossible, even if you tried it would just shove everything underground where it would explode someday. But if you can find the right therapist they can guide you through a process where you can face things in a safe place and THEN figure out how to move on to a changed but managable life. There's no set timeline to it though--and for yourself you will have to probably go back to your own teenage trauma again as well as your daughter's. For now, one day at a time, breathe, make a couple phone calls, let us know what you find and how you're doing.
Bandmom5
Bandmom5
It's frustrating to hear that the counselors kept trying to ask questions to get your daughter to talk about the assaults. That's not how experienced professionals help young victims. They use many different techniques to first establish a rapport with the child, then use things like play therapy, art therapy, etc and let the child start disclosing things in their own way and in their own time. 12 weeks is usually far too short for anything helpful to happen. And you definitely don't just get over it or let it go, that's really ignorant for someone who knows nothing about it to say. With proper counseling, you learn to look at it from several different viewpoints, and learn how to process it, and then how to find a healing path that works for you and your family. Here's a link for the child advocacy centers in Arizona. I hope this helps, and you and your daughter find a healing and positive way forward.

https://www.bing.com/maps?form=MOZTSB&pc=MOZI&q=Arizona+child+advocacy+centers
hopefulmama
hopefulmama
BTW we went through many therapists,if you don't see results,move on.It may take a long time for your daughter to open up,like I said my daughter was very rude and beligerant to some therapists.Our sessions were sometimes just playing board games,some were coloring,we did that for a month because my daughter would not participate.Also we found that my daughter opened up better while doing art.If your daughter likes drawing and such look into art therapy,it's sometimes easier to open up while busy.I know for myself it's very intimidating talking with someone staring at you!
92powella
92powella
One positive thing I read from your story is the fact that your husband confronted his father. Maybe not the best thing in the eyes of law enforcement. Which doesn't seem to matter since the case wasn't taken to court. But for me to hear that having a 'husband' who has never confronted his father, I see that as a positive aspect. To possibly ease your mind about the case not going to court I'll give you a brief overview of how me pushing the case to court turned out. I said call the prosecutor that night. I pushed the whole case along. My daughter was traumatized all over talking to a prosecutor preparing for trial and of course testifying in front of her abuser, his lawyer, and a judge. The man was let off due to no physical evidence. He also failed a polygraph MISERABLY. The jury listened to experts. It didn't matter to them bc her hymen was still intact. How archaic and naive. So he was set free. Shot himself, another trauma to my daughter unbeknownst to her at this point. And fucking lived. I'm sorry for my language on these posts. It's cathartic for me as I am so ANGRY!
brknhrt
brknhrt
92powella, so sorry to hear how things turned out legally for you and your daughter. This is a good place to share your anger, say anything you want, I guarantee someone here has felt the same!
JFoust
JFoust
Nope. Don't "let it go" But you also can't depend on justice from the "system". As long as she isn't in any danger from the abuser, sometimes you have to let the system do what it is it does - and sometimes that isn't very much - and trust that God (or Karma or Fate or whatever it is you believe) will have his vengence.