Hi Everyone,

I am in desperate need of help, I don't know what to do, don't know what to say, I am physically and emotionally exhausted over all of this.  and to add to it all, I am bipolar and borderline personality, With no answers I can't seam to get balanced.

Anyway, I am a mother of 2 adult daughters, my eldest is 29 with two children, 5 year old daughter, 3 year old son. My youngest is 27 with a 1 year old daughter.

When they were 3 and 5 years old, my youngest daughter asked me "Mama, why do I have to take showers with Daddy when I go to his house?"  The girls and I had always showered together since it was easier and quicker, but I had no idea that their was as well, and with my baby questioning it I knew there was something not right.   I spoke with my boyfriend, fiance, about it who was an officer in the US Navy, so I took my eldest to the store with him and non-chantley asked her about it.  She responded, "Ya, we have to take showers with him" so my BF asked her what they do in the shower? she responded "We play games and stuff", he asked "What kind of games do you play" she responded "Like, touch the button".....Now when she had first discovered that Daddy was different a couple of years earlier, she had asked him " Daddy, is that your button"?, meaning his penis.  When they had returned and he shared with me what they had discussed I immediately called the sexual abuse hotline in Colorado.  They had told me that if I did not take them to the hospital immediately that I would charged as a conspirater.  

So we took them to the hospital, unfortunately, it was an Army hospital who had absolutely no idea what they were doing and stated that there was no physical evidence of sexual abuse on either child. So a CPS worker, therapist and Attorney were all assigned to the case.  Through therapy it was determined they had in fact been sexually abused by their father.  

Now, their paternal grandmother had also been sexually abused her father well into her adulthood.  Through the court precedings she had denied it.

I can't even remember how long it wa taking the girls to their therapist, taking the girls to the visitation center, attending court hearings etc. etc. etc. They had finally charged him with Dependancy and Neglect and inappropriate sexual behavior with a minor on 2 accounts, why? because there was no physical evidence.

The court, CPS and Therapist had all given their blessings to us and gave me permission to take the girls with me out of state since I had married my boyfriend and he had orders to transfer.

My youngest daughter had started wetting the bed again, she ended up wearing Pull Ups until she was 9 years old.  I had to keep an alarm on the door because she would walk in her sleep and have the most chilling night terrors.  I took her to an Urologist to see why she continued to wet the bed.  He, not knowing about the sexual abuse, asked me "Do you know that your daughters hymen has been broken? I was devastated, he had clearly seen it where the Military doctors had not.  

About four years later, my 2nd husband and I had decided to get divorced.  Shortly after the move, my youngest asked me at the dinner table "Mama, i wanna go on a talk show" ...I said "A TALK SHOW"?.... she said "Ya, you know the ones that find people? I wanna find my real dad"  I knew that one day the girls would have that need to know where they came from and who they are through the paternal side, so with a deep breath, I said "Before we do that, you girls will have to go back into therapy so you know how to protect yourselves and keep safe".  So that is exactly what we did.  I am not sure exactly how I had found their father but he ended up spending 1999/2000 New Years with us, supervised of course.  He stayed 3 days and we never heard from him again.

So a little over a year ago, we started watching a lump in my breast.  I was laying in bed sobbing, what if I die?  The girls would never know how to find out who they are.  I also mourned their paternal grandmother, who because she denied in court her own abuse I couldn't trust that my daughters would be safe in her care, so because of what her son had done to my daughters she missed out on them growing up.  All of sudden her last name pops into my head so I jump up and Google it.....there she was, a Children's Author.  I sent her message with no response and about a week later my youngest comes home for her baby shower, both girls live two states away.  While she was here I shared with her the information I had found and she said "Mom that is so weird, I was going to ask you on this trip if you had any information because I want to find my grandmother"  So I exchanged their information with her and hers with them.

About 2 months later, what do I see? MY GRANDBABIES IN THE CHILD MOLESTERS LAP !!!!! I immediately wanted to throw up, my oldest daughter tells me how wonderful and awesome he is!!!!! I was floored!!!!! I had spent the last over 20 years mostly as a single mother, with no support, no family no nothing....working two jobs yet always attended their school functions and holidays and such.  Always made she that they not only had what they needed but also the things they wanted.

Now here I am, my daughters just flew to Vegas with my grandbabies to attend his wedding.  They tell me they don't even know if it happened or not! That I was just selfish and stole them from him!  

Really?  Seriously? This person rather than fight for his innosence, runs and changes his name and ends up a town of maybe 50 people?  Why do you suppose that is?  BECAUSE HE IS GUILTY! HE KNOWS IT! I KNOW IT! AND HIS FAMILY KNOWS IT!  WHY ON EARTH DO MY DAUGHTERS NOT KNOW IT?  

I don't know what to do.... I am just sick.....I have been stuck in this manic depressed state for months now..... all I think about are my daughters, my grandbabies and what he did to all of our lives.  Yet he has been put on a pedastal.  I can't live like this,I protected them as a mother is supposed to, I nurtured them, I loved them, I provided for them, I wiped their tears, I attended all of their school activities, I supported them ...... all by myself.....and this happens?  I would hate to see what would have happened if I hadn't protected them.....They would hate me then too?  Damned if I did, Damned if I didn't......I can't think straight, I phyically sick and emotionally almost dead.