First of all , this is going to be long and all over the place and probably full of spelling mistakes - why doesn't Daily Strength have spell check?!!! So I apologize in advance!

One year ago is when my children (4 and 7 now) disclosed some disturbing things about their father, my husband. One year ago today I was waiting on DHS to show up because I filed a report. I didn't leave the home, because I didn't have definitive proof anything happened and because both kids after disclosing, (a week apart from each other) said they were kidding. Of course, I didn't think they were, rather that they were uncomfortable with my questions and talking about it and so said they were kidding. Anyway, I didn't have enough to just pack everyone up and leave without causing some major problems, so I stayed while I waited the week 1/2 for DHS to arrive. During that week 1/2 - a week after my daughter's disclosure and before I made the phone call - I didn't leave the kids alone with husband one minute! That wasn't hard to do as I am a stay at home mother and my husband sleeps upstairs - my kids are downstairs with me. Anyway, without going into everything, DHS did come finally at 9:30 at night (with 3 police men!) and my caseworker was not a nice lady. She told me she had a real problem with me and the fact that I didn't leave immediately upon hearing my daughter's disclosure - although my 6 year old was very vague and didn't even say anything that could be considered a true disclosure. She charged me with failure to protect because "you had to take a shower sometime." Which by the way - I did during the day while my husband was at work! I told her this, but she still charged me and my kids were whisked off to stay with my mom for 2 of the hardest weeks of my life. During that time, my husband got a very good lawyer for himself. He wasn't ever aware that I was the one who made the phone call. All I wanted was to know the truth and to act accordingly. Because my kids hardly have a relasionship with my mother as she's the least maternal woman I know, I know staying with her was hard. So when she took them for their DHS forensic interview which lasted no time at all, they didnt reveal anything, husband's lawyer (who had ties with DHS) did his thing and case was dropped, husband allowed to come back into home (we were seperated during the time kids were away). I was devestated, but so happy to have kids home.

So now I was left with what to do. I could file for divorce, but with no proof and with my husband ready and willing to fight for custody and him having the financial means, while I have NOTHING (everything - even bank account is in him name only), I knew that he would get partial custody. Two attorneys told me as much. So in my mind I had two choices. Stay and protect my kids with everything in me and get them help along the way - where hopefully more would be revealed and I could safely leave. OR leave and more than likely have to let him have unsupervised overnight visits every other weekend??!!!! That thought terrified me. So I stayed and tried my best to act normal, which was no easy task. I HATED him. And let me tell you, when we were reunited with the children, he was acting SO FREAKING nice to them. Like over the top - father of the year - sticky sweet - gross (because it seemed so FAKE to me and manipulative) niceness. It was so hard to watch. Both kids are so wrapped around his little finger now, I wonder if I did the right thing. I'm still here by the way.

Which leads me to why I'm writing. I was pretty active here right after and during the start of all of this, but then needed to step away for my sanity. I will say that my drinking increased as living with a man I felt possibly molested our children is HARD. Drinking was my coping mechanism. I never got visibly drunk, so nobody even knew I was drinking. The days between my trips to the liquor store got shorter and shorter. I am so happy to say I stopped and have been sober for a little over 5 months. I was numbing myself and the problems were still there when the buzz wore off. PLUS! My kids needed me. I will forever be sober. So that's done. Yay! But without alcholol, all the feelings are so real. For some reason, I reached out more when I had a buzz - I wanted to TALK!! But now that I don't have that, I don't reach out. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm so lost and having the year (Valentines day I filed a police report at police station while waiting for DHS to come) upon me is depressing. I wonder if I hurt or helped my kids by staying. I wonder if this year has given my husband the time he needed to get not only in their good graces, but where they think he hung the moon! And it's so hard for me as I still beleive something happened and always will. So our relasionship is over. I have told him that I was the one who made the phone call and that I don't trust him. I did this because I couldn't pretend anymore. I knew he suspected that I made the call, but he didn't know for sure. I told him reluctantly because I was worried it would mean divorce for certain and then my chances of protecting children were over. I told him anyway. He got angry and then went upstairs to his "room" where he sleeps and the next day acted like nothing at all happened. He has yet to ask me WHAT the kids said, only that they "lied" and "misspoke."

Living with him is so hard. I feel like I've aged 5 years with all the stress. He is telling me that absolutely nothing happened and that if I would just start to believe THAT, our family could be happy again. He has told me on more than one occasion that I am single handedly distroying our family. And meanwhile, he is a good husband, provider and father (obviously not if he molested our children). So it's really a mind $&#@. Just when I'm feeling like okay maybe this didn't happen - I go back over everything - the disclosures - the little red flags before disclosures where something didn't feel right - but I didn't know what - my GUT feeling when my kids made their disclosures. All of that comes back and I KNOW I must never forget or let my guard down. My husband is a nice guy and he's very charming and funny and I believe a master manipulator. SO, it's easy for him to make me question myself. But I can't forget that he's also convinced people that he isn't a sexual deviant in a rape case that was brought against him. There is quite a bit of sexual deviant stuff (but none against minors) from his past in question. That's a whole other story and would take pages. But it makes him doing something against our children even more of a possibility. But you would never beleive it by seeing him and the kids together. He and his sister even wrote a children's book together and had it published!! All I'm saying is that it's hard with all the opposing sides of him. It's so hard to believe he did anything to our children.

I don't know what I am needing. Just to vent. I certainly don't want anyone judging me for staying. :-( I forgot to mention, that I haven't been out alone in a year. I haven't slept without making sure both kids are where he could not possibly get to them. I have made every grocery trip with my young son while my daughter is at school. Even though I would love to just go alone!! So I am doing all that I can to protect them. I KNOW that nothing has happened in the past year. There isn't any way. I have also had them both in counseling, but just recently took them out. The therapist were play therapist and not ever going to get anything out of my children as they aren't trained to do so. I know my kids and I know that playing with some toys and talking about their week and occasionally talking about good touch and bad touch isn't going have them revealing anything. I gave it a year though! They need to see forensic psychologist but our insurance doesn't cover that and there aren't many at all where we live. My husband definitely isn't going to pay the $150 per session that the one I took them to twice each (that's another story) charges. And besides, my kids are VERY, VERY well adjusted. They seem so normal. I kept being told by my husband that I was taking them to the weekly therapy for nothing and that I was doing more harm than good by messing with their psyche.

SOOOOOO.....that's about it. I'm just here. Wondering what my next move should be. Wondering if I did the right thing. Sometimes wondering if anything happened at all. Knowing that I need to reach out more because I need help and to talk about all of this and I shouldn't be alone - even though I am really.

Thanks for reading if you got this far!!! :-O