Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
So, in case I've never shared this, I wanted to share bit more about the monster boy's siblings.
The oldest boy, who is now just turned 18, disclosed to my oldest son about 5 years ago that he had sex. My oldest son and I have figured out that he was either 12 or 13 when it occurred. So, yeah, another sexual abuse hidden problem. I DID share this with his mom, when we were still on speaking terms (so last November or December) but her response to this was "no, that couldn't have happened! That's impossible! No..." I also have a gut feeling that this disclosure to my son was true...all 3 big boys (my son and the 2 oldest boys of monster's family) were sharing their deepest darkest secrets with each other; this was when they were 11-14ish...but a separate time when I was having an intense conversation with this oldest boy when he was about 16 (after a week long lie he finally confessed to stealing things from my oldest son, which I knew he had!) he shared that he had a secret that he would NEVER tell his parents and only his brother knew and he confirmed that he'd NEVER betray his brother's trust by telling the secret. I begged him to be honest with his parents and he said that it was a secret that they'd probably kill him for so he'd take it with him to his grave. This just makes sense that the secret is sex at such a young age. He was adopted by his current parents around the age of 6.
The 2nd oldest boy...was my oldest son's best friend...his mom shared with me that he had molested her biological niece who was about 11 at the time. The boy was about 13 at the time. She was trying to get me to confirm that her niece was "making a bigger deal about it than it was" but I just couldn't confirm that to her (and this was BEFORE I understood sexual abuse like I do now!) I DID report this to the police during our recent investigation but it's considered heresay because I'm not the original source. Anyways what had happened was this girl had been sleeping and this boy had put his hand up her shirt/bra and fondled her breast and she woke up to him doing this to her. She was totally traumatized and refused to ever visit again let alone spend the night again! This is the same boy who my middle son had shared with me about him having monster boy suck his penis and urinate in his mouth. This brother is supposedly where monster boy learned about sucking privates which he did to my son without his wanting him to. This same brother also recently yelled out during the children's church group "I'm not a pedophile!" shortly after I know CPS had visited their home. But alas, he's still living at home with no counseling that I know of so nothing has changed in that realm. I also know because his mom shared this with me, that this brother was the one who explained to monster boy what sex was as well as used to look at pornography pictures with his brother and his mom would catch them on the computer. BUT, his mom thought pornography was only videos and not pictures (there is a cultural disconnect and I truly believe this is really what she thought!) I explained to her that NO, porno is also pictures of naked people. This is also the same brother her is physically aggressive even abusive to monster boy and even was physically abusive to my children. He STILL wets the bed and the last time we were at their house his mom was livid with him because he had slept on a "normal" mattress, urinating on it thus destroying it, instead of the water-proof fold out bed he's supposed to sleep on. She was shaming him for doing it! I believe he is bipolar. He was adopted by his current parents around the age of 4.
Then we all know monster boy's issues. My daughter shared another story with me about him urinating in a bucket in my backyard during one of the assaults on her during piano lessons. This kid has a weird fetish with urine because he also had my daughter urinate on him a few times when he raped her (he wouldn't let her go or caught her on the way to the bathroom) and his verbal confession to me after the 1 1/2 hours of patiently sticking to my story of "my children wouldn't lie about this" was "Fine, I touched [daughter's] pee and [son's] privates." But aside from his intense sexual appetite that's caused him to probably offend against at least 7 witnessed children both boys and girls, he also has an extreme, twisted desire to inflict pain and torture his victims! With my little guy, who it started when he was 2 1/2-3 1/2 & my middle son from ages 6-11, this kid would punch/kick/slap them if they didn't let him do what he wanted and even trained them to not cry by inflicting more pain when they did but rewarding them by not hurting them as much if they didn't cry. My daughter got the full wrath with knives & scissors being used to both stab and cut her on her inner thighs, her vagina, the middle of her shoulder blades, both ankles, her face near her eyes...AND he would ask her to "I want you to like it" and to "smile" while he was hurting her! He also amped up his brain washing of her to not cry to the point of her literally having to re-learn how to cry since she's disclosed because it was so traumatizing to do so and she felt so embarrassed to! She was abused from the age of 4-8 1/2. I actually witnessed him try to take scissors from the very drawer my daughter disclosed about and I talked him into putting them away because that was a dangerous "toy" to be playing with around my children. He tried to say he needed it for "arts and crafts" but he did oblige me and replace them in the drawer. This is part of why I know my daughter isn't lying about what he did to her! Hind sight is 20/20. This kid even asked me to help him fix a belt that he apparently used to strap my little guy into a chair so he could be touched more easily (witnessed by my daughter.) Monster boy has been abusing kids from when he was 6-10 years old. He supposedly is in counseling and I KNOW he has disclosed...his mom shared with me in November that she knew why things had happened and that we'd "have to get together so she could share with me." I don't care what the exposure he's had, I believe he has Reactive Attachment Disorder as well as is a psychopath. He was adopted by his current parents at the age of 2 1/2.
Now the youngest sister also touched my daughter. She was also raped by monster boy witnessed by my daughter. She tried to get my middle child to have sex with her. She would bring my little guy to her brother to be abused and even make him watch his sister, my daughter, be abused by her monster brother! She would laugh when my daughter got hurt, ignore her please for help, sit and watch and even BEG her brother to let her watch as he sexually abused my daughter, share things with me that at the time didn't make sense but now I realize she was flaunting things in my face about the abuse without me knowing (i.e. "guess what? {[monster boy] lost his pocket knife!" I'd say, "o.k. why are you telling me this?" She'd nonchalantly answer "oh just because." When this was THE pocket knife used to cut and point at my daughter's head while he raped her.) I noticed a few years ago that she seemed to have a sexual power over her brother's...almost diva-like...but when mentioned to her mom, she dismissed my concerns. I also know that she was her mom's "shadow" and "wouldn't leave us alone" so much so that her parents would have to "take a shower" behind a locked door during the day in order to be intimate. The girl would sleep in her parents room ending up in their bed and never leave them alone. She would have nightmares and sometimes accidents. She sets up her friends to be abused by her brother...I believe to a certain extent as a protective means for herself but there's also a twisted joy in her watching them be hurt. I never liked how my daughter was around her...always going to an extreme to get this girl's validation/approval/affection...all the while this girl would literally ignore my daughter unless she wanted something from her. She would constantly say things like "I won't be your friend anymore" in response to apparently my daughter wanting to tell about some of the abuse. Now, I began not letting my daughter spend time with this girl about 6 months before disclosure AND I had constantly confronted this girl for using friendship as a means of manipulation (remember I was more like a close aunt to this family)...not knowing the details behind it of course...but apparently she stopped doing it in FRONT of me but continued to do it quietly through whispers in my daughter's ear. I believe her parents know the truth based on the silliest fact: they threw her a 9th birthday party! In all 8 years I've know them, they have NEVER thrown a birthday party! Normally they'd do a family meal out at a special restaurant sometimes including 1 or 2 friends but that was IT! This time she actually threw a full-fledged party inviting tons of little girls to it! I believe this child ALSO has Reactive Attachment Disorder but coupled with sociopathy. She was adopted by her current parents around 1 1/2.
That's just the top of the hornet's nest...the basics of what I know about this family. OH! The mom shared with me that back when she was about school age and live in a different country, she and her other girl cousins would pay their little boy cousin a quarter to "pull on his thingy." She actually joked with him at his wedding "do you want a quarter?" and apparently he reacted in shock but then nervously laughed it off. I'm starting to realize that these few incidents of indecency, aside from being a cultural issue, might have also been a scarred conscience issue which is why she keeps dismissing the things that her kids are doing as "not a big deal."
Thoughts?
The oldest boy, who is now just turned 18, disclosed to my oldest son about 5 years ago that he had sex. My oldest son and I have figured out that he was either 12 or 13 when it occurred. So, yeah, another sexual abuse hidden problem. I DID share this with his mom, when we were still on speaking terms (so last November or December) but her response to this was "no, that couldn't have happened! That's impossible! No..." I also have a gut feeling that this disclosure to my son was true...all 3 big boys (my son and the 2 oldest boys of monster's family) were sharing their deepest darkest secrets with each other; this was when they were 11-14ish...but a separate time when I was having an intense conversation with this oldest boy when he was about 16 (after a week long lie he finally confessed to stealing things from my oldest son, which I knew he had!) he shared that he had a secret that he would NEVER tell his parents and only his brother knew and he confirmed that he'd NEVER betray his brother's trust by telling the secret. I begged him to be honest with his parents and he said that it was a secret that they'd probably kill him for so he'd take it with him to his grave. This just makes sense that the secret is sex at such a young age. He was adopted by his current parents around the age of 6.
The 2nd oldest boy...was my oldest son's best friend...his mom shared with me that he had molested her biological niece who was about 11 at the time. The boy was about 13 at the time. She was trying to get me to confirm that her niece was "making a bigger deal about it than it was" but I just couldn't confirm that to her (and this was BEFORE I understood sexual abuse like I do now!) I DID report this to the police during our recent investigation but it's considered heresay because I'm not the original source. Anyways what had happened was this girl had been sleeping and this boy had put his hand up her shirt/bra and fondled her breast and she woke up to him doing this to her. She was totally traumatized and refused to ever visit again let alone spend the night again! This is the same boy who my middle son had shared with me about him having monster boy suck his penis and urinate in his mouth. This brother is supposedly where monster boy learned about sucking privates which he did to my son without his wanting him to. This same brother also recently yelled out during the children's church group "I'm not a pedophile!" shortly after I know CPS had visited their home. But alas, he's still living at home with no counseling that I know of so nothing has changed in that realm. I also know because his mom shared this with me, that this brother was the one who explained to monster boy what sex was as well as used to look at pornography pictures with his brother and his mom would catch them on the computer. BUT, his mom thought pornography was only videos and not pictures (there is a cultural disconnect and I truly believe this is really what she thought!) I explained to her that NO, porno is also pictures of naked people. This is also the same brother her is physically aggressive even abusive to monster boy and even was physically abusive to my children. He STILL wets the bed and the last time we were at their house his mom was livid with him because he had slept on a "normal" mattress, urinating on it thus destroying it, instead of the water-proof fold out bed he's supposed to sleep on. She was shaming him for doing it! I believe he is bipolar. He was adopted by his current parents around the age of 4.
Then we all know monster boy's issues. My daughter shared another story with me about him urinating in a bucket in my backyard during one of the assaults on her during piano lessons. This kid has a weird fetish with urine because he also had my daughter urinate on him a few times when he raped her (he wouldn't let her go or caught her on the way to the bathroom) and his verbal confession to me after the 1 1/2 hours of patiently sticking to my story of "my children wouldn't lie about this" was "Fine, I touched [daughter's] pee and [son's] privates." But aside from his intense sexual appetite that's caused him to probably offend against at least 7 witnessed children both boys and girls, he also has an extreme, twisted desire to inflict pain and torture his victims! With my little guy, who it started when he was 2 1/2-3 1/2 & my middle son from ages 6-11, this kid would punch/kick/slap them if they didn't let him do what he wanted and even trained them to not cry by inflicting more pain when they did but rewarding them by not hurting them as much if they didn't cry. My daughter got the full wrath with knives & scissors being used to both stab and cut her on her inner thighs, her vagina, the middle of her shoulder blades, both ankles, her face near her eyes...AND he would ask her to "I want you to like it" and to "smile" while he was hurting her! He also amped up his brain washing of her to not cry to the point of her literally having to re-learn how to cry since she's disclosed because it was so traumatizing to do so and she felt so embarrassed to! She was abused from the age of 4-8 1/2. I actually witnessed him try to take scissors from the very drawer my daughter disclosed about and I talked him into putting them away because that was a dangerous "toy" to be playing with around my children. He tried to say he needed it for "arts and crafts" but he did oblige me and replace them in the drawer. This is part of why I know my daughter isn't lying about what he did to her! Hind sight is 20/20. This kid even asked me to help him fix a belt that he apparently used to strap my little guy into a chair so he could be touched more easily (witnessed by my daughter.) Monster boy has been abusing kids from when he was 6-10 years old. He supposedly is in counseling and I KNOW he has disclosed...his mom shared with me in November that she knew why things had happened and that we'd "have to get together so she could share with me." I don't care what the exposure he's had, I believe he has Reactive Attachment Disorder as well as is a psychopath. He was adopted by his current parents at the age of 2 1/2.
Now the youngest sister also touched my daughter. She was also raped by monster boy witnessed by my daughter. She tried to get my middle child to have sex with her. She would bring my little guy to her brother to be abused and even make him watch his sister, my daughter, be abused by her monster brother! She would laugh when my daughter got hurt, ignore her please for help, sit and watch and even BEG her brother to let her watch as he sexually abused my daughter, share things with me that at the time didn't make sense but now I realize she was flaunting things in my face about the abuse without me knowing (i.e. "guess what? {[monster boy] lost his pocket knife!" I'd say, "o.k. why are you telling me this?" She'd nonchalantly answer "oh just because." When this was THE pocket knife used to cut and point at my daughter's head while he raped her.) I noticed a few years ago that she seemed to have a sexual power over her brother's...almost diva-like...but when mentioned to her mom, she dismissed my concerns. I also know that she was her mom's "shadow" and "wouldn't leave us alone" so much so that her parents would have to "take a shower" behind a locked door during the day in order to be intimate. The girl would sleep in her parents room ending up in their bed and never leave them alone. She would have nightmares and sometimes accidents. She sets up her friends to be abused by her brother...I believe to a certain extent as a protective means for herself but there's also a twisted joy in her watching them be hurt. I never liked how my daughter was around her...always going to an extreme to get this girl's validation/approval/affection...all the while this girl would literally ignore my daughter unless she wanted something from her. She would constantly say things like "I won't be your friend anymore" in response to apparently my daughter wanting to tell about some of the abuse. Now, I began not letting my daughter spend time with this girl about 6 months before disclosure AND I had constantly confronted this girl for using friendship as a means of manipulation (remember I was more like a close aunt to this family)...not knowing the details behind it of course...but apparently she stopped doing it in FRONT of me but continued to do it quietly through whispers in my daughter's ear. I believe her parents know the truth based on the silliest fact: they threw her a 9th birthday party! In all 8 years I've know them, they have NEVER thrown a birthday party! Normally they'd do a family meal out at a special restaurant sometimes including 1 or 2 friends but that was IT! This time she actually threw a full-fledged party inviting tons of little girls to it! I believe this child ALSO has Reactive Attachment Disorder but coupled with sociopathy. She was adopted by her current parents around 1 1/2.
That's just the top of the hornet's nest...the basics of what I know about this family. OH! The mom shared with me that back when she was about school age and live in a different country, she and her other girl cousins would pay their little boy cousin a quarter to "pull on his thingy." She actually joked with him at his wedding "do you want a quarter?" and apparently he reacted in shock but then nervously laughed it off. I'm starting to realize that these few incidents of indecency, aside from being a cultural issue, might have also been a scarred conscience issue which is why she keeps dismissing the things that her kids are doing as "not a big deal."
Thoughts?
And bio mom to the two younger kids, monster boy included, is a VERY promiscuous, narcissistic young woman who literally dresses up like a dead person to go to work on a daily basis...she works at a place that's a haunted hotel. She has mental issues too per one of her boyfriends who begged the kid's current mom to not let the kids see her any more because of how "evil and twisted" she was. That text conversation was shared with me as well. This same ex-boyfriend's son was the kid who had supposedly had sex with the little sister in the shower...that supposedly monster boy told the kids to do. She was about 4 at the time and the boys were 6. I suspect that this kid was in actuality also abused by monster boy...he was having horrible nightmares and than physical reactions to people trying to help him at school to the point that the police were called and he was taken away from his dad and sent to live with his mom. The kids bio mom with the kids lived with this guy/son duo for the beginning of their lives.
I'm pretty certain my son does not have RAD.
My son was attached and loving prior to the onset of abuse.
If a child has an ability to attach and love at all, then they don't have RAD. It's either a you have it or don't have it tjing. There's no in between or "kinda have it".
My son acts like this, I think, as a result of anger about abuse onto him, a traumatic bond with his abuser, and identifying with his abuser.
My son chased away a babysitter with a pick knife and was very cold about it stating "so what. I didn't hit her with it, I only swung it at her". I have a recording of my son yelling at his younger sisters shouting "fu.. You! I'm going to fu..ing kill you! And you hear them screaming in terror in the background"
And there's the pictures he drew (I think he used to describe to another boy what he wanted him to do with him) it involved sucking weiners for sex.
My son is VERY withdrawn and angry these days. He wasn't like this before the abuse.
My son also seeks porn on the Internet.
My son is 9.
I understand the diagnosis of RAD. There are a few other reasons I suspect this diagnosis for both children. From the time my ex-best-friend received the kids, she tried to get them to participate in children's groups without her. Again I think it's a lack of understanding that she needed to let them bond. The 1st day she brought monster boy to the kid's group, I was a teacher and he literally had no concern in leaving his new mom. He didn't even seem to react excited when she came back to get him! He was in his own world and difficult to connect with refusing to follow the other children but instead doing his own exploring of the property. Thinking back, I don't ever remember him hugging his parents...he has always been in his own anti-social tinkering kinda world. I always dismissed it as Einstein behavior...so smart he'd rather tinker/create/experiment on his own than play with others. We always encouraged the 2 girls and my middle son to include him in their play but they really didn't want to- later I learned because all he ever wanted to "play" was sex stuff. He has always been an amazing lier as well as a, what I thought was, rough-houser. The little girl was more traumatized and refused to let go of her new mom when she was brought to the kid's group. But her face was more of fear and self preservation than love. It took her a whole year to be able to leave her new mom to come to the kid's group. She hugs...lots of people...but it feels like manipulativery affection either to hide what she did wrong or to get her way. She makes this joyfully evil smile when she hugs people and there's not a whole lot in her actions that shows any form of emotional attachment. They both manipulate like crazy. All this is hindsight is 20/20.
So I was thinking of my step dad and my mom who refuses to believe the truth of saying to them ... Let God judge between me and you who is right. because really at the end of the day it is God who they will give account not me. They can lie and do their best to deny the truth but who can lie to God? I am free from convincing them or anyone. Some people will believe you and be for you and others won't. Big hugs. Remember God is your vindicator He will repay. The hardest part will be releasing the anger and them and everything about them in time.