Hi guys.  Lately, I have been really struggling with the realization that my 4 year old had his childhood stolen before it even started.  He's been sharing that he remembers being sexually molested as a baby.  Seeing as how he grew up with this family as a part of his normal life, I'm not shocked.  I trusted them too much.  I keep crying as I watch him fall asleep knowing that in a few hours repulsive sexual acts and physical abuse will play through his mind causing night terrors of screaming and kicking fits!  He was SO sweet as a baby, so wise for his age and precocious and sporty...he had such an amazing future and effect on people, a beem of sunshine with a smile that could melt the hardest heart.

Now, he's always angry, impulsive, acting out.  I can only cuddle him sometimes or I trigger him.  The happy boy is mixed with crying episodes, painful staring episodes of retrieved memories, constantly trying to distract himself from the bad in his head by jumping on anything and everything.  Doing what looks like a potty dance all day long at random times but usually it's just bad memories coursing through his head. You get the picture.

The monster family, they continue to enjoy life.  They've taken down their house for lease posting and I can only hope that simply means they're giving up NOT that they found a tenant.  They are erasing their presence online from us at least...disappeared off Facebook completely, blocked from business profiles, blurred their house off maps, deleted from Craigslist...you name it, they've done it.  

And all I can think of is, "we have no way of stopping them because the police won't let my kids do another forensic interview (yet) which would give them cause for a search warrant of their home where I'll bet they will find child pornography, probably even my own children in some videos and pictures!"  I feel like I have a gag order almost.  When your case is with the DA, they don't want any more evidence until they hear back from them.  Meanwhile, monster family continues to clean house in preparation to flee to another country and I can only hope that they "treasure" their filthy evidence of pedophilia enough to not toss it in the trash.  I'm hoping that because I haven't spilt the beans about the parents to anyone who might accidentally tip them off, that their confidence in not being found out will prevent them from tossing things that they couldn't replace, like videos and pictures with my children in it.  I'm trying to think like a pervert and if I went to so much trouble to make these filthy images, and to allow the police to interview my 10 year old rapist son with the knowledge of the law not being able to prosecute without him telling the truth and because he was too young, and was able to evade so many CPS inquiries into my children'spirits safety, then I probably will protect my "treasures" and pack them up safe.  I probably am betting on the community believing in the "Christian" facade that I have displayed so well and my pride MIGHT be keeping my perverted habits alive.  Also, stress is an inducer of impulsive habits so hoping that they can't hide for much longer.

I spoke with the mom of another victim, a potential witness to my daughter's sadistic abuse at the church, and she won't be speaking with her new therapist until after Thanksgiving, so again, waiting game to see if this child even discloses.  If she does, we might have a case against monster boy...but not until the future.

And to top it all off, my grandma died yesterday.  Her funeral is next week and because I haven't spoken to my extended family about why we became recluses, I am telling them basic facts before the funeral so that hopefully it won't be wierd.  We've barely seen or spoken to them all year.  It's going to be really hard but it's time.  I go today, actually in an hour, to talk to the main couple.  This is so hard.

I want to remember what life felt like when my heart wasn't breaking all the time and I wasn't in a continual state of emotional pain and grief.  I'm starting to realise that this part of our life is going to take SO long to be done with.  I know getting the bad guys will be worth it in the long run but I'm feeling so weary...