Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I haven't been on here in a while. Actually, I have been checking in on everyone, just not responding much. I needed to take a break from all the time I was spending thinking about THIS. I'm exhausted. As some of you know from my story I posted a couple of months ago, I am still living with my husband and potential perpetrator. I have not let up with watching the kids at all times. I got a camera with infrared capabilities that I have put in my daughters room at night. But either she has slept with my younger son and I (husband sleeps upstairs) or I will sleep on the couch which is located in the middle of both the rooms, ensuring both are safe. So the nights I've actually used the camera are fewer than the nights I've protected them with my presence.
There is reason for me to believe that husband possibly found the camera one night. It's such a long story and to tell the how and why of everything would take pages. It's complicated. But there were some really strange things that happened when I went to view the camera the next morning. I will try to tell the gist of it. I had gotten footage a couple of days before of my 3 1/2 year old undressing a GI Jo action figure and kissing his privates. I saved that video. I usually erase all the little snippets of video from the whole night (it's motion and I believe sound activated, so there are usually 15 - 20 little short videos (it automatically records 2 minutes after motion is detected) which up to this point have been nothing and I have erased those. But I kept the one of my son. Anyway, this day, there was nothing and the videos of son were gone. And the camera has a little loose part inside and rattles when gently shook (didn't before that morning). AND the switch was turned to a different setting other than custom. I have never and would never change that setting. It's not something that I could have easily moved on accident. It was odd, but I have no proof that he found it. I thought if that happens again, then I'll know, but still, so what?! That was my only hope for leaving. PROVING something is happening so I can safely leave knowing he will be punished and not get partial custody. Anyway, another weird thing happened the other night with the camera.
But that's not the reason I'm posting. I need to vent. I HATE my husband. I have been living here with a man I hate and the tension is horrible. It's horrible for the kids. It's not fighting, but it got to that point last night. He got really confrontational with me in front of son and I asked him to please not do this now. He claimed to be just trying to talk to me, but clearly it wasn't going well as I knew it wouldn't due to subject matter (my mistrust of him) and the way his voice was rising and the things he was saying were getting really nasty. I'm not a good wife and not a very good mother. That he is more miserable with me than he's ever been in his life. Just hateful. He would not leave it alone even with young son standing there witnessing everything. :-( I grabbed the home phone at one point and dialed 911 ready to hit talk if need be. Apparently I did without even knowing it. Long story short, the police came and things were handled and I know he's not a physical threat as he would never do something to jeopardize losing our kids to me, so I felt safe staying in house.
Today he called me from work and man oh man, I wish I had been able to record that conversation because it was all him defending himself as a man and father and telling me how I'm wrong and really, it was such a great case. I mean, I almost believe that maybe I was wrong all along. About everything. Not just the molestation of our children, but the other stuff that I have come to believe about him and the possibility that he is a sexual deviant, but very, very good at lying. I wish someone else could have heard it and tell me that A.) he's full of it or B.) maybe I'm wrong and this (and everything else) has been a misunderstanding.
Anyway, I'm ready to divorce and let what happens happen. I do believe he will get partial custody though because he's so good at speaking and lying and making himself seem like the good guy. He will lie about me. He will try to get full custody according to him. I am almost to the point that I don't care. I have no more fight left and living with him is miserable. The kids are in play therapy, but I honestly don't feel anything will be revealed. They aren't licensed to try to get that information and my children are very tight lipped about everything now. After husband's plea to me over the phone today, stating what a great dad and husband he is, I'm really thinking maybe he didn't do anything, so maybe, just maybe it's safe to go ahead with divorce. He's got me doubting myself again. He's good at it and besides all the above and possible molestation (obviously), he's got a lot of wonderful qualities. I am once again very confused, but don't think my gut will ever trust nothing happened.
SOOOO.... this is probably all over the place. I won't try to make it make sense. I just need to get it out there (and make dinner - ha) and let it go. It's basically me wanting this to be over but not seeing an end in sight. And the hate. I don't want to hate him, but I do a little more every day it seems.
There is reason for me to believe that husband possibly found the camera one night. It's such a long story and to tell the how and why of everything would take pages. It's complicated. But there were some really strange things that happened when I went to view the camera the next morning. I will try to tell the gist of it. I had gotten footage a couple of days before of my 3 1/2 year old undressing a GI Jo action figure and kissing his privates. I saved that video. I usually erase all the little snippets of video from the whole night (it's motion and I believe sound activated, so there are usually 15 - 20 little short videos (it automatically records 2 minutes after motion is detected) which up to this point have been nothing and I have erased those. But I kept the one of my son. Anyway, this day, there was nothing and the videos of son were gone. And the camera has a little loose part inside and rattles when gently shook (didn't before that morning). AND the switch was turned to a different setting other than custom. I have never and would never change that setting. It's not something that I could have easily moved on accident. It was odd, but I have no proof that he found it. I thought if that happens again, then I'll know, but still, so what?! That was my only hope for leaving. PROVING something is happening so I can safely leave knowing he will be punished and not get partial custody. Anyway, another weird thing happened the other night with the camera.
But that's not the reason I'm posting. I need to vent. I HATE my husband. I have been living here with a man I hate and the tension is horrible. It's horrible for the kids. It's not fighting, but it got to that point last night. He got really confrontational with me in front of son and I asked him to please not do this now. He claimed to be just trying to talk to me, but clearly it wasn't going well as I knew it wouldn't due to subject matter (my mistrust of him) and the way his voice was rising and the things he was saying were getting really nasty. I'm not a good wife and not a very good mother. That he is more miserable with me than he's ever been in his life. Just hateful. He would not leave it alone even with young son standing there witnessing everything. :-( I grabbed the home phone at one point and dialed 911 ready to hit talk if need be. Apparently I did without even knowing it. Long story short, the police came and things were handled and I know he's not a physical threat as he would never do something to jeopardize losing our kids to me, so I felt safe staying in house.
Today he called me from work and man oh man, I wish I had been able to record that conversation because it was all him defending himself as a man and father and telling me how I'm wrong and really, it was such a great case. I mean, I almost believe that maybe I was wrong all along. About everything. Not just the molestation of our children, but the other stuff that I have come to believe about him and the possibility that he is a sexual deviant, but very, very good at lying. I wish someone else could have heard it and tell me that A.) he's full of it or B.) maybe I'm wrong and this (and everything else) has been a misunderstanding.
Anyway, I'm ready to divorce and let what happens happen. I do believe he will get partial custody though because he's so good at speaking and lying and making himself seem like the good guy. He will lie about me. He will try to get full custody according to him. I am almost to the point that I don't care. I have no more fight left and living with him is miserable. The kids are in play therapy, but I honestly don't feel anything will be revealed. They aren't licensed to try to get that information and my children are very tight lipped about everything now. After husband's plea to me over the phone today, stating what a great dad and husband he is, I'm really thinking maybe he didn't do anything, so maybe, just maybe it's safe to go ahead with divorce. He's got me doubting myself again. He's good at it and besides all the above and possible molestation (obviously), he's got a lot of wonderful qualities. I am once again very confused, but don't think my gut will ever trust nothing happened.
SOOOO.... this is probably all over the place. I won't try to make it make sense. I just need to get it out there (and make dinner - ha) and let it go. It's basically me wanting this to be over but not seeing an end in sight. And the hate. I don't want to hate him, but I do a little more every day it seems.
Few things going on I care to advise you with.
Honest loving people tend to do acts and then expect others to get over them because they would themselves and it's the right thing to do.
This is NOT your husband. He is paranoid of you right now and is plotting and scheming more than you could imagine as you're being naive.
I know this stuff, because my husband kept a journal. He referred to me as cruel. He referred to me as "she is going to convince herself more and more about me". Their minds and perception is warped! His mind travels to deeper, darker places than your kind loving brain can imagine. He will conceal all this until you test him - which will quite likely be upon filing divorce. Once this happens, be prepared for all his pre thought out strategies and uses within the courts to abuse you. He's going to get mad n it's going to show.
It's okay though, because you need to get out of there and you're closer and closer to your determination to get out no matter what. Your marriage is over and not repairable once you suspect sex abuse.
I did the cameras too. I wondered if he knew - but again - he would ONLY suspect if he were guilty.
Sounds like he's also trying to gaslight and intimidate you. Read about gas lighting.
He will do everythi,g in his power to get you to back off and blindly trust him again. When one thing doesn't work he will do something else. I suspect these types get off in what they can make you believe. Its a mental game for them like chess if I do this, say this then I will get her to feel this way. It can flip like a switch too because there is no sincerity.
I'm so glad you got the camera! You are not crazy. Are you in counseling too or going to groups so,you can talk about what is happening. You need lots of support around you to help keep you sane and moving forward one day at a time.
I had heard the term "gaslighting" before, but never knew what it meant. Here's what it means, and I think 96 is exactly on target with regard to what your husband is trying to do to you (and YES, he effed with your camera!!):
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
I wonder if your children aren't feeling in some way responsible for your escalating tension, and are trying to be super-non-forthcoming about the abuse just to keep the peace in your house. I was a child of feuding parents, and I always thought I could somehow make it change, make it better. I wonder if filing for divorce won't be just the game changer your children need to clarify what's real from what's make-believe. As long as you stay with him, they are going to have to hope that your husband is trustworthy, because why else would Mommy stay? And the longer you stay with him, the longer they will have to try to wrap their heads around why Mommy would allow them all to be together after all Daddy has done to them.
I'm SO glad you updated us. I think you felt the need to vent because you know in your heart what's happening, and what you need to do.
Call a hotline, and plan your escape.