Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Well, not much has changed. Still living with potential perpetrator because leaving would mean divorce and almost certain joint custody (because DHS dropped case as my children didn't disclose in their interview). I just don't know what to do besides wait and protect the heck out of them while living in this house. Thankfully I am a stay at home mother, so have the opportunity to be around them all. the. time. Which is getting exhausting. I have totally quit drinking, but have been stress eating instead and am so unhappy with how I look and feel. I have been getting more and more stressed out and impatient with my children. My 3 1/2 year old son who is home with me all day, is getting angrier and angrier (although he exhibited extreme anger before disclosure - it used to be aimed at his father it seemed - now it's me). I have no idea if his anger (either he's the sweetest child on the planet, or he's angry and mean) is a result of things that have happened, or the tension in the home or part of his nature or a little of all three. Last night I broke down. Quietly, because I didn't want him or husband to know. I seriously thought about how dying would be so nice. I would NEVER do that to my children! Don't worry, it was just a thought. Last night my son wanted his father to "walk and sing" to get him to sleep. My husband sleeps upstairs in another room and my son and I share a room downstairs, where my daughter has her own room. Anyway, he didn't want me AT ALL and would not go to sleep no matter how much his father walked and sang to him. I kept messing things up by checking on them. Finally husband gave up and left room for me to try to get him to sleep. My son hit and scratched me while I tried holding him down in hopes that he would settle down and quit trying to get up to leave the room. It was 11:00!! He was throwing huge fit and finally I gave up and he went out of room, where his father was right outside of door. I thought he had gone upstairs. Immediately he picked our son up and he put his head on his shoulder and asked to walk and sing. It finally worked but left me a complete mess! I was crying so hard (having to stifle the sobs) and had this overwhelming feeling of sadness and of wanting to give up - which of course I WON'T do. I just had a moment. I am really depressed. I do have an appointment with doctor next week to get on medication if she feels it's needed. I also have appointment today with a new trauma (play therapist - or something to do with abuse) counselor for my son and next week my daughter starts. Praying they will speak up in those sessions. That's my only hope right now. I feel so hopeless. The absolute hatred I have for my husband is real and it's ugly. I have to be around him every day and see him act like nothing happened and watch him dote on our children like he never has before. They are eating it up. Meanwhile, here I am KNOWING that he isn't who he's pretending to be. KNOWING that he molested our children (99% sure). Life for them has seemingly gone back to normal. Except it's not. Their mommy is not who she used to be. I am in a really dark place. This horrible thing is consuming my every thought. I just want to be normal, but know that because of what he did, things will never be the same again. I want with every part of my being for justice to be served and for my husband to be held accountable. He has gotten away with so much. A couple of past rape charges (only one that I knew about - one DHS told me about), sexual harassment at his work places, etc. Meanwhile, he is so charming and believable and besides some of his female victims (ex fiancé included) and myself, nobody has seen the evil side of him. Oh well. I know I must fight like hell for these kids and that it won't be easy or fun or feel good. It's just hard, that's all. Hope everyone is doing better than I am right now. I wish this wasn't such an isolating issue. Glad I have this place to get my feelings out! :-)
Most likely he is disturbing your children saying things like "mommy is trying to make it so you never see me again" - I mean, wouldn't that make sense for him to be saying while at the same time he's putting on the super sweet charming dad moves? The moves your children have so desperately thirsted for from him.
It's different when you're the one who has been sweet and kind always and your kids just expect it from you.
But when you have been disengaged and all the sudden you have something you desperately wanted.. Wouldn't it make sense that at the same time he's saying "and your mommy wants to take me away from you"?
And this worked on my son. It made my son resent me. It made my son his little ally. My son started to identify with his father... And today, this means my son has transitioned into wanting to be like his father.
What you're seeing now is the foundation for a traumatic bond. it's the response in an abusive relationship that the neglectful abuser is also the savior from abuse. And now youre being labelled as the destroyer.
Also it's normal for children to become angry at you for not protecting them.
It will be used against you if you are needing medication for mental health, but it will also be held against you if you don't keep yourself in good control.
Your drinking past will be held against you - do everything in your power to show efforts at being and maintaining recovery. Like everything possible.
I have no mental health history and no substance abuse history and normal psychological testing by MMPI - and STILL they tried getting away with calling me crazy.
All eyes focus on you my dear (unfortunately) to figure out what is going on in your home. It shouldn't be this way - the focus should be on your children to figure out what is going on in your home... But it's just this way. You have to get yourself in shape and stay strong. You are not allowed to feel bad for yourself or even grieve until this is over. Once your children are protected then you can have your moment for yourself... If time permits.
heartsadx3 - Thank goodness husband works outside the home. Weekdays are now my favorite. :-( I actually started going to Celebrate Recovery 3 weeks ago. My kids love going! So I do get that small break! Sorry about your daughter's grandpa being the one to have violated her. It's so sad. Unfortunately, I need to hear over and over that they still will love the abuser because that part is hard for me to grasp and makes me doubt the truth sometimes. Thank you for replying. :-)
96percent - Husband has always been a pretty good and attentive father, just not always THIS good and attentive! I am so very afraid of this traumatic bond thing. I really do see it happening. My son has in the past 3 days been extremely emotional when his father had to leave for work and before bed when he goes upstairs and leaves us alone, screaming and crying and throwing fit of MAJOR proportion. This morning, he even ran out the back door, opening the garage and running after his father's car. I chased him half way down the street! This isn't normal at all. I have no idea where the intense anger towards me and separation anxiety for his father is coming from. He never cared (much) that his father was leaving before the disclosure. All I can think of is the amount and quality of attention his father is showing him since this all happened is making him more attached. Which scares me to death because of what you are talking about and because I think it's going to make my son more likely not to talk about what father did to him in his counseling. I want to leave SO BAD. If only my kids knew how much I've actually been protecting them given the circumstances. About going on medication.... what you say makes sense and I might cancel my appointment! My moods are not anything out of control or that can't be helped by good old fashioned exercise and positive thinking and self care. And with the alcohol, I have never been an alcoholic or had a problem controlling my consumption until this all happened 2 - going on 3 (!!) months ago. I stopped before it became an issue. So I'm fine there. I will remain strong. Your advice was needed and taken to heart. Thank you!
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Your situation 1000000% resembles my same matter.
If it goes on to resemble my situation this is what you can expect...
That indeed your husband IS telling your son that YOU are trying to take his father away from him. This will in time be why your son explains to you that he has this new onset separation anxiety. He's worried if he tells, he will never see his father again. This is what he is being told. Your son desperately doesn't want to lose his dad.
These panic episodes and running will morph into his becoming a runaway child. He will run away from any painful stimulus now. Because running is right now becoming a coping mechanism for him. What you are seeing is the foundation for a runaway child.
So now you have the stage set for traumatic bonding and a runaway child.
Personally, I think staying at home and not getting divorced is playing with fire.
He is going to use these separation episodes totally against you. In fact, your husband is going to use these episodes so much to his benefit that your husband will also learn to intentionally stage these separation meltdowns.
"His mother is filling him with crazy thoughts about me. He's so worried he will never see me again. Look how upset he gets when I leave. It's all HER fault!"
I am torn now more than ever. Stay and risk everything or leave and risk everything. :-( I wish I had a crystal ball......
My son started crying every time he left his father's house.
I confronted him
"Why are you crying when you leave your dads house?"
He answered "bc I love him"
I asked my son if he loved me and he said yes.
So I asked him "well how come you don't cry when you leave me?"
He responded "because you don't do bad things and I don't want to lose my dad!"
So whenever your children witness your husband doing bad things, it's actually has the effect of causing panic and drawing them closer in fear of losing someone they love. Again this would explain your child's panic when your husband leaves. You kids worry every time he goes, am I ever going to see him again and when is he going to be caught.