I am really struggling, thus my hope is to find support thru this group.

We have recently found out that our 12 yr old daughter was sexually victimized by my best friend's son who is 16 yrs old. This started when she was 11 and he was 15. She feels as though she loves(ed) this boy.

My Story:

Over the past year I have struggled with her and online stuff on her IPOD. It was things that I did not approve of such as complaints and creating a pictogram account after being told that was not available. I had grounded her from her ipod and all electronic communication for many months, giving her no access.

Over the past year, her emotions and behavior was all over the place. (now I can see why) And I started to pursue treatment for her due to this. (I have four children, two of which have Aspergers, Anxiety and inattention issues) I remember feeling as though, here we go down that road again.

Her school year ended poorly in some classes and her anxiety was very high and I was very concerned.

At this point, I was working with my best friend. We both worked within the children's mental health field, due to our own personal experiences with our children. We had worked together for six years and supported each other with our children. At times, my daughter would go to her home if I was working and she also was very close to her and her daughter who has downs syndrome. My daughter was wonderful with her and enjoyed being with her.

Over the course of the past year, my daughter started asking to go there to be with my friend on a very frequent basis. Her behavior at home with myself and her brothers was very intense. I did not allow her to got there very often due to this, but there were some times she did go there.

Over this course of time, my daughter started having "crushes" on boys. Pretty typical development for a girl her age and we spoke about her not being able to date until she was older. It became apparent to me that she had a crush on this boy. My friend and I had many conversation about making sure that there was supervision at all times. In writing this, I feel so stupid that I thought this was all covered. That I thought we were on the same page. I think back to our conversations and her telling me that she did not leave them alone and me believing her. This guilt I carry with myself always.

Fast forward to right before summer started. Her behavior in some ways was better and I gave her back her ipod, with guidelines and restrictions. Within a couple of weeks, we had another issue with the ipod, again, all electronics were removed from her at this point. Therapy finally starts. Good therapist and DBT group combination. The therapist has a long waiting list, but gives us a chance due to my friend's relationship with her. My child is not happy with this in the begging, but we start anyway.

Next we have an issue with our second child smoking pot and deal with that. Trying to support him as he is struggling with depression and being a sibling of those with disablitys. All of the kids are worried about him and feel like he has not gotten the support needed.

Trucking along for a few weeks, settling into the routine of summer, work, the older kids have an internship where I worked. My daughter is coming to work with me between her group and also doing volunteer work. I am working hard on my relationship with my daughter and feel like we are making some steps with this.

So one night I come home from grocery shopping and call all of the kids to help bring in the groceries. My daughter is in her room and I go in o get her. She puts an IPOD under the blankets and tells me that is just the ipod nano, that has no internet access and apps. I take it from her and it is my mil's ipod that I forgot that we had. It had been sitting in the kitchen for month's waiting to go back to her.

I grab the IPOD and find that she had downloaded a texting app and another app. She had been sexting with unknown individuals. Her dad sees this as well. We are both devastated! I look at the messages that she had sent an find that she was texting my friends son. No pictures, but the text messages make me very uncomfortable. I question her and ask her outright if she has had sex with this boy. First she denies, then tells me yes, she loves him and they are in a relationship. I tell her she cannot consent to sex, she is to young. I blunder any of my attempts to get information from her as to how many times and when. I tell her that she is not responsible, that he is. What he did was wrong and my friend was wrong to leave them alone. I tell her I love her and refuse to give up. We will get thru this.

I am floored and devastated. I take the week off from work before she revels to me that they have had sex. At my friends house, in the living room when she had been there. I call the on call therapist, who lucky happens to be her's for support on the sexting. Another series of phone calls after the admission of sex with him.

I speak with my friend/boss first tell her about the text messages with her son and also the sexting. (remember, we are best friends and support each other) Then I tell her about the report that they have had sexual contact. He lies to his mother and tells her that it did not happen, I tell her it did. She reports this to his therapist. There is no contact with either of the kids from this point on.

I am devastated, scared and twisted inside at this point. I am scared to tell her dad. My top priority is to make sure that she is safe. At this point, I do not tell her dad. I sit at home and cry most of the week that I take off, talking to my friend every day. Oh so twisted I was gaining support of the parent of the child who abused mine. My friend does tell me that I need to tell my husband, and so twisted I am say this is not something that he can know. I am worried what he will do.



At this point, I have two more weeks of work and then a two week vacation. In my messed up way of thinking, I tell myself when I am on vacation, I will take her to Planned Parenthood to confirm if there was sexual activity. I am struggling with myself. Was this abuse or early sexual activity? Messed up at that point I was.

I keep her with me in sight at all times. When I need to be in work, I keep her in my sight at all times. I am not able to focus or concentrate and still think that I should not tell my husband. I am sparing him the pain, I tell myself. I am worried what he will do if he finds out. I know I need to switch jobs and fast and start to look for a new job.

My vacation comes. My daughter and I start to settle into a routine and start to work on the issue in therapy. I allow my daughter to go to her grandmother's for an overnight with her cousin. She confides in her cousin, who rightly so tells her mom. (my husband's sister)

My sister in law and mother in law have my husband go to my mother in laws house and tell him. He calls me and tells me that our daughter has had sex with my friend's son three times since Christmas. I do not know what else they said to him that day, but my husband did not physically go after they boy.

I take my daughter to Planned parenthood that day to get conformation that there has been sexual activity. They take her into a room by herself and do not allow me in with her. They refuse to tell me anything and tell me to talk to my daughter. I break down crying asking the nurse what am I supposed to do? Where do I go from here? I came to you to protect her confidentiality. They tell me she reports that it was consensual. Seriously, how can an 11/12 yr old consent? I am lost and devastated.

I tell my husband what happened and then call the pediatrician. They tell me that they cannot do an exam, but refer me to Child Protective services, who does sexual assault evaluations.

I speak with them and tell them the whole story. I was honest and did not hold anything back. I let them know what I did not keep her safe and all of the other steps that I took as well. I am brutally honest that I did not revel this to her dad until he was told by other family members. The woman on the phone is very supportive. She lets me know that a report will need to be filed with Child Protective services and asks me if any of the information that I shared with her I do not want in that report. I tell her no. It is all truthful so how can that hurt her? I let my friend know that I have spoken to them and a report will be filed.

My husband and I finally talk about me not telling him right away. I feel so guilty and responsible that his happened to our daughter. I feel like he is going to blame me and hold me responsible. I apologize and tell him where I am at emotionally. He does not heap the blame on me, but moving on I know we will have many things to work out. I hope we are able to do this, but right now the focus is our daughter.

The decision is made that I will leave my job. I make an appointment with the Executive Director of our organization. My husband wants me to tell everyone why I am leaving my job, but I feel like I should be discrete.

I meet with the ED, tell her I am leaving and why. She agrees that the organization will lay me off so that I am able to collect unemployment. She is very supportive.

I call my friend after my meeting with the ED. I tell her that I have told her I am leaving the organization and why. She is shocked. I think she thought that she would be the one to find me a new job and I would stay employed with them until this happened. She does not say it, but I know that she is upset that I have done this. She tells me that she did not know that I was going to speak to her. I tell her that I needed to do this without the benefit of her influence on what I would say to her. At this point, my friend tells me that she will not contact me again unless I reach out to her.


After breaking that thread, I could breath a little bit and get a little bit of clarity. I called my primary care doctor and requested meds to help deal with the anxiety, depression and guilt.

The ED reaches out to me after our meeting and asks me to work at home over the next month to finish a project and transition to unemployment. After some thought, I agree to do that, contact being only with her. Then my father is hospitalized, goes home for a week, then hospitalized, home for a week, then hospitalized, in rehab for a week, and now is on the path of being hospitalized again. (He has congestive heart failure, diabetes and has had a stroke.) So I continue struggling to finish the project and be done with my employment with the organization.



Where an at now? Day by day, second by second. My whole life has changed. I look to support my daughter to the best of my ability and help her heal. I look to support my other children to the best of my ability and help them heal as well. I worry about them and hope we will come thru this as an intact family. All of my children are effected substantially. Because most of my children were connected to the organization that I worked for, my leaving effects them more than just the financial impact on our family. Because my children were connect to my friend, the dissolving of that friendship effects all of them. Because of our close friendship for so many years, we shared doctor and therapist resources. I have communicated with all of them to try and prevent us all being in the same location at the same time. That is tricky though. I wonder about switching the supports that the kids have....But do not want any to regress as they are engaged with the therapists. I worry about my dad and his health, but also the impact of me needed to help him on the kids.

So, that is my story.