She IS loved, and she IS believed, by YOU, AND by your husband, who took a huge leap of faith to believe his daughter without hesitation. Thank God she told you right away -- she must feel very secure with you to do so.

Denial among family members is somewhat understandable -- people want to believe the best about people they're invested in. But secrecy -- when people KNOW someone is an abuser and do nothing -- just boggles my mind. You're right, these people share some genes with your daughter, but not her brains or her sense of right and wrong.

I know someone who unknowingly married a drug addict a few years after he had cleaned up. When he relapsed, in spectacular fashion, and she filed for divorce, his family came forward and said, "Oh, we really hoped this wouldn't happen." They KNEW, but never told her. When she asked, "Why didn't you tell me?" they said, "We thought he would tell you!" Well, I bet your father-in-law didn't plan to tell you either!!! The pain these relatives could have spared you if you'd known what he was like -- it's heartbreaking!!!!

I'm so sorry.

You've come to a safe place.

Love and strength to you and to your daughter.

Hi ad, welcome to the group, so sorry you and your daughter are going thru this, but glad you reached out here. Talking about it is the first step toward finding a path of healing. You did all the right things, so you ARE protecting her. As soon as you knew, you took action. One thing that is so hard to do is to not put blame on yourself for not protecting her. Feeling guilty is so common, but please know that it is false guilt and misplaced blame. The accountability lies only with the offender, and in your case, with the people who knew and said nothing. I live in your state too, and we don't have a list of mandatory reporters, EVERYONE 18 and over is considered a mandatory reporter and the state law is that anyone who knows of or SUSPECTS any kind of child abuse MUST report it to an appropriate authority IMMEDIATELY. PERIOD. You'd think all the media brew haha about the Sandusky case and who knew what when and how many knew and said nothing, who are now being help accountable, would have prompted them to say something! But now that the media has moved on to other things that make a profit, it's dropped from people's minds as well. Ignorance is bliss. Sorry, let me get of my soapbox.

One other thing I wanted to mention, your daughter may need to hear you say you're so sorry you didn't protect her (even tho it's not your fault, her maturity level and healing process may need this, and later she'll realize the truth), and that you're so proud of her, that she's so brave and a hero for telling, that she probably helped protect someone else who he could have abused.

You're in such a tough spot, my heart goes out to you. When family is involved and lines start to be drawn, this is even more devastating. But for now the priority is your daughter feeling safe, and her healing. Think about what boundaries you need to set for that purpose--who shouldn't be around if they're not going to refrain from saying certain things, etc. If others are not on board with that, then they can't be around. They're either part of the solution, or part of the problem, unfortunately, at least until your daughter is older and healed enough to have confident input.

There's a topic back on the topic list that has resources--books for kids and adults, and websites to check out. The one I often recommend is www.mosac.net which is specifically for mothers, but it has an enormous amount of info and educational material. It might be good to share it with other family members if you think they might benefit from learning about this. I hope this all helps, keep coming here for support anytime, keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers (((hugs)))

I can totally relate to this situation. For me those that supported my brother in law after knowing the facts and his guikt are less then the garbage under the soles of my shoes. Once they knew for them to respond any other way is complete betrayal. They do not deserve my understanding, my love nor my little girls concerne for what the family may have to go through. Too bad they know have to face this monster. They will have to carry the shame and the knowledge They did nothing! You did the right thing by going to the police, who cares what they think. why would you want them in your lives? When this happened to my girls it was my sisters husband...for 50 years. He is a pig and I have no contact or use for her or her children or grandchildren that know the truth now and still stand by him. He will molest again and apparently they dont care. All is forgiven. He did this for 5 years to both of my daughters while under completely innocent circumstances. Just visiting their Aunt. Perhaps she always new he was this person, I dont know and I could care less. Over the past 2 years while it still hurts I realize I only want positive and good people in my life. They are not relatives if they are not with you and your family. I wish they would castrate these evil men but that would be too good for them. Am I wrong...I think not. It was their action that will affect my daughters forever. He is forgiven...they all can rot in hell....sorry I am on a tangent today...but it makes me ill to think about their sorrow now. Peace and strength to you and your family. There are lots of us that have struggled through these same feelings. When you come to terms with your anger and accept it you will grow stronger. #$%^ all of those that do not see him for the monster he is. PS---Ellie Nessler is my hero!

Welcome to the group and I am sorry for what has happened yo your child and to you as well.
My dad abused my daughter and my mom, sister, brother, aunt support him. They are not welcome in our lives. We do not allow sick people around our children, it is as simple as that.
You are not to blame at all, you had no idea that your fil was a monster. You are doing the right things by believing your strong, brave daughter. She is a hero! Tell her that, everyday if you must, she has truly saved another child from this nightmare. You, too are a hero for believing her, following through with prosecution. You can lay your head on your pillow tonight and know that you are doing the right thing. Sometimes the right thing is hard to do, when it gets hard, come here, we understand and you are not alone.
I need counseling for myself to help me get past this nightmare. Please consider counseling for you. It truly is every parent's nightmare.
Prayers to your amazing daughter and your family.

Thanks for all everyone postings. I have cut all the people who knew how the monster was and never said anything out of my life. I have also, told my daughter that I was very sorry that I was not able to protect her. I explained to her that the only people we want in our lives are people who truely cares and wants the best for us. That in the world, there are mean and bad people around but we can choose not to be around them. Eventhough, I talk to her, it truely hurts me to have to tell her at an early age. My daughter is always asking to the talk to her cousins (both girls cousin are the same age as my girls) but I can't because my sister told us not to contact her family until we forgave her father. By the way she is supporting the monster and his wife. But I can't tell my daughter because it would distory her. If we go to court, I will have to becuase she will be there. But I hope that does not happen.

As for my feelings, I wish we would move away and start new memories, good memories. But I also have to go to the every court appearance. It was my family that this happened to and I need to see justice is served. So, I can't move until he goes to jail and that might take 1-2 years!! Even if there is a confession!! I am very angry at them all! I can not promise anyone if I ever see them in public, that I would not slap or hit or scream at them. I don't go shopping in their town incase I see them. I don't want my daughters to get upset if they see them. I don't want my daughter to see me get upset.

I do not believe I will ever feel happy again or excited for the future. Maybe when my daughter is all better but I do not know. Everyday, I just live for the next day and hope that my daughter don't start to cry.

Keeping that distance is a good thing. First of all, you certainly don't want to start a physical fight with anyone because you could end up arrested as well. Second, it's time for your daughters to make new friends beyond the family so they don't miss their cousins so much. As they saying goes, "Friends are the family you choose."

I'm also still in shock about my grown daughter's disclosure of her childhood abuse. I understand how impossible it could seem that life could get better. Believe it or not, before ever telling me (less than two months ago) about her abuse, she still managed to get through school, and is planning to go to grad school. She's going to go on to have a successful career and do a lot of good for others. But now she's getting the counseling I wish she'd had long ago. My point is, yes, get good counseling for your daughter as soon as possible. She may not be "all better," but she probably will be able to put this behind her faster because she has been honest and you responded appropriately. If my daughter could get this far without any help for this (until now), your daughter likely has a bright future, too.

Treat yourself as well as you can. This isn't your fault, and you had no reason to think it could happen. How is your husband doing? Look for little joys of life during the day, and share them with each other and with your daughters. Each smile is a new positive memory, and a step forward, away from the past.

It is hard when our children cry but it is part of the grief. CSA is akin to grief. We as the parents grieve the loss of our children's innocence. The children grieve for all that they have lost-their trust, their feeling of security, their boundaries, hell even the loss of control of thier own bodies. Who doesn't cry when they feel grief?
You are understandably furious and hurt by your in laws lack of warning you. They are sick, sick people. You do not ever have to forgive your fil if you don't want to. Forgiveness is a gift that you give, it is not given on command. My family feels the same way. He confessed, so I must forgive, right? No! What your in laws truly want is for you to forget and have things go back to the way they were. My husband and I strongly believe in personal accountability. It is one of the most important lessons that we teach our children and we hold them to it. And that is what we are doing to my dad-he must now face the punishment that comes with this crime. We punish our children, so why should he be different?
We have told our children that they cannot have contact with my family members who support my dad in any way. We explained that they believe our daughter but that they are confused. They do miss my family, especially my mom. But protecting my children is what matters. My family still believes that we should have kept this to ourselves and not involve the police. How sick is that? My dad would have abused another child just like your fil has done. Your poor daughter is a testament to that fact. They may try to have her recant. They are so desperate to have everything back to the way it was that they are truly dangerous, especially to your daughter. Talk about denial! It isn't easy to deny my children anything but it is truly not in their best interests to have contact with them. Your children may not understand this and will grieve the loss of that family. Support them and your husband. This will be hard on him as well. I cannot grieve the loss of my family around my husband or children. I can't add to their pain, so I talk to my counselor and trusted friends. If you can, allow your husband to grieve with you. It will strengthen your bond with each other. I felt more guilt, if that is possible, because it was my dad. And too is my husband's grief over not protecting his daughter. So many reasons to feel so many emotions. I set a goal on this site to keep my family together-my husband and I and our children. I refuse to let that monster take anything else from us! Be kind to one another, you are all so fragile right now.
Don't let the court process stand in the way of your healing. Things do get easier with time. There will be bumps in the road, just like there always are. Life, with all its joy and heartache, goes on. And so will your family. There are days I have to fake it but every day I get up, put one foot in front of the other, and face whatever life throws my way. As the adults, we pave the way for our children. They see mom and dad living life and they respond. We experience absolute joy and so will your family. You have been blessed-your daughter told you (against all odds!), he confessed (again against all odds!), the police are taking action (a minor miracle!), and you and your husband are strong enough to face the truth! Take an inventory of your blessings-you have so many!
I look forward to the day when I bump into a family member in public-they fear us because we live in the truth while they live in the darkness of denial. I have no problem whatsoever calling them out in public. I will ask them what it is like to protect a pedophile! Even murders will tell you how f$&@ed up that is!
Stay strong and true, there is the other side and your daughter and your family will reach the other side.

Ad...first of all, as others have said, I'm sorry that you have to be here. I'm sure that all of us would rather not have the need to be here, but we're here anyway. I've read what you have to say and the first thing that came to mind was the positives. I know that it's hard to believe that anything that could come out of something like this is positive, but believe it or not, you do have some things in your favor.

The first thing I thought of when reading your story was that relatively speaking, you found out about the abuse in a fairly short period of time after it occurred. Hopefully this means that via therapy, you can address the issue and put it behind everyone quickly. Certainly you can never make the whole thing go away, but I firmly believe that dealing with it in a timely manner will help.

The other positive that I see in this is that the side of the family that's ultimately responsible is voluntarily staying away from you. I know that your daughter might not fully get this and all, but I believe that everything would be more painful and confusing if that side of the family was fighting for more contact. Handle your daughter's feelings the best you can and try to make it clear to her that nothing is her fault. That's the best you can do.

Looking forward, I want you to know that it does get better. My daughter was abused by someone outside of the family for a period of a few years when she was around your daughter's age. We didn't have the benefit of knowing in a timely manner though, so she had to deal with it all by herself. (This part of the story still kills me to this day!) We didn't find out until 5-6 years after it stopped and by then, therapy was something that our daughter wanted no part of. We forced a little of it on her, but I believe that in her mind, she'd already dealt with what happened to her long before. Even without the timely help, our daughter has become a strong woman and continues to be a high achiever in college. I'm not naive enough to believe that it's all over and that she'll never suffer any lingering effects of what happened to her. Every day I say a little prayer that she'll always remain okay. But so far, she's happy, healthy and convincing me that she is okay. You've got a rough road ahead of you for the next couple of years, but you will get through this and if you work together as a family, your daughter will be okay. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. Be strong!

I have to agree with USAdad. Finding out about abuse soon after is the silver lining in your case. The longer a child goes holding such a huge secret in the worse the damage tends to be. Our daughter didn't tell for 14 years and she began to fall apart before our eyes. She has survived and has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, self-harm, depression and social anxiety disorder. The PTSD, self-harming and depression has improved a lot with meds and counseling. She is taking a gap year from college trying to heal and is in the process of looking for a job. It has been very difficult at times. We had to kick our adult son out of our lives because he was her perp. She wouldn't have survived had he been in her or our lives. She overdosed a year ago and spent time in a mental hospital soon after her disclosure to us. Unfortunately, this are the types of problems that can happen for children who don't tell for years.

I was also sexually abused as a child and kept my secret for 19 years. I didn't suffer the same way my daughter did ( I had a problem with alcohol) I think staying numb with the booze really helped me keep the abuse pushed down. And it also helped that I didn't ever have to see my abuser ( he was an older cousin who lived out of state) I think some of the worst damage to a child is to have to see or live with their abuser . ( So I commend you for keeping her away from that POS and prosecuting him.) I began remembering my abuse 18 months after I had my first daughter. At 29 I went into therapy for a year and became a survivor. My abuse does affect me to this day. It doesn't go away but it gets much easier to live with. :)

I share this with you because I want to give you hope for your daughter. She is a hero for telling her grandmother. Please tell her often how brave and right she was to tell someone. You are also heros for believing her and taking action. You would be surprised how many parents don't. Come here often for support. This is an awesome group of parents. And I didn't tell you things to scare you- I just wanted you to know what can happen to children that keep abuse a secret for years and years. By telling early your daughter can begin healing immediately. Warmly, Laura

I also wanted to add that you will survive without your in-laws. When abuse happens difficult decisions must be made. The survivor must be put first. It was and is very hard for me to not have my son in my life.( He was 12 when he abused her-he is 27 now.) I do still love him. He cannot be a part of our lives anymore; my daughter had to be put first. He has showed little remorse for what he has done and can't understand why our entire family-myself, my husband and our 3 daughters don't want him in our lives anymore. Abusers and their supporters are ignorant and sick. Anybody who supports our son cannot be around us either. Our daughter deserves to be protected 100%.

It is normal for your daughter to wonder why they don't come around anymore. It took months for our daughter to be angry at our son and to this day I don't think she has been as angry at him as the rest of us have. Suriviors can be easily manipulated by their abusers-another good reason for your daughter not to be around those people! Even if forgiveness does come someday abusers should never get a second chance!!!! Just my humble opinion. Laura