Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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bonnieboo11 03/09/2016

My daughter will start trauma counseling next week apparently we have to wait until after she gives her statement.There is usually a waiting list of 4-6 weeks and the counseling is free through Network of Victims Assistance( A little disturbing knowing so many children need trauma counseling)Anyway they put her to the top of the list because they suspect she is suffering from PTSD(again disturbing being moved up)I am grateful for the counseling and I just wish this nighmare was over,no I wish it had never happened.No child should have to go to trauma counseling,no child should have PTSD or depression. My daughter is embarrassed to tell her story to strangers,she cried Monday and Tuesday because she says she can't get the thoughts out of her head.My husband told his mother tonight that hewill beat his nephew if he ever sees him again,oh and what is my daughter's abuser doing this weekend?camping with his boy scout troop,having fun,hiking eating smores .I have never in my life felt so much pain,I am scared for her future.I hope I am being pro active enough,I know the statistics,drug abuse,alcohol abuse,promiscuity are all possibilities.I guess I am feeling a little depressed myself tonight and it helps to write here.Thank you all for listening and understanding

mobley4100 03/09/2016

I look at our disclosure as a blessing (not that I am glad the abuse happened, but SOOOO glad my daughter was brave enough to disclose), because I know what the risks are, and can be proactive in stopping them. My daughter is adopted, and her birth mother had drug issues - so if there is any genetic component there that is already strike one against her - and add the abuse to genetics, strike two - but you know what...we did EVERYTHING we could to help her, we stopped the abuse, we protected her from her abuser, we got her therapy, we moved far away from her abuser so she never has to face him or his family again. The statistics are that 10% of children disclose, so for every 1 disclosure, there are 9 that are keeping the secret. I am glad I am in the 10% statistic because I know to look for signs in the future, and arm myself with the tools I need to be able to help my daughter succeed in life. Don't worry about things you can't control (the future), but live now and do everything you can every day to help your daughter succeed. I refuse to let our abuser and his enabling family upset me anymore, I have completely blocked them from my life (in all social media and moving away). Don't worry about what he is doing, and don't go into these charges with any expectations - that way you won't be disappointed. Our abuser was mandated for counseling (which I think he is still doing), but nothing more - but at least he was forced to get help and hopefully won't reoffend. His family believes and supports his partial admission and feels like I intentionally outed them to destroy them (I actually have told very few family members and haven't been nearly as vindictive as I could be) - but you know what, that is their problem and they have to live with their decisions. At least i can sleep at night knowing that we did everything we could, and knowing that the things my daughter has told me were not made up or planted in her mind by anyone. I have been going through a bit of a down cycle for me, but I am determined to get out of it and live the positive life I know I am meant for.

lovesmama 03/09/2016

I have a few suggestions for your daughter that might help in the mean time before she sees a counselor... Since she is suffering with flashbacks... Something I'm all go formiliar with myself...!!!
1. If she has a smart phone or tablet of some kind download PTSD Coach, it is an app that was created by US department of veterans affairs and was created for veterans with PTSD, but don't let that put you off... I was never in a war but all the tools on this app helped me with my own PTSD... It is good for us suffering with PTSD to have some sense of control over our situation... This app gives you a test that you can take daily, weekly, or monthly that assesses your level of PTSD... And it will graph your PTSD symptoms so that you can watch them improve or sometimes get worse... This gives a sense of control that is very valuable... The other things this app provides are tools to help in a triggered moment... Things like guided imagery or progressive relaxation... And many many other helpful tools...!!! I have used this app many times in a crisis and felt empowered by having tools that could help me regain control...!!!

2. Look up grounding techniques on the web and have your daughter make a list of things she can try when she is having a flash back... Some of the techniques that worked for me where... Picking a color, say green, and noticing everything green in the room around me... Or just listing things that I can see... Like... I see wind in the trees, I see a soft beige carpet, I see the dog scratching... And just keep listing things until you feel like you are safe from the flashback... There are many other techniques you can find online and having a her list them will again give her a sense of control over her PTSD, and give her empowering tools for when she is in a triggered state...!!!

3. Journaling can help, although it can also make things worse for a while, but putting the bad images out of your head and on to a page can also give you a sense of control over the flashbacks... This works well if you journal and then use a grounding technique after.

4. Have her establish a safe place in the house... For me it was my living room floor with a blanket while I was watching a funny non triggering TV show... When I was feeling really rotten I would go to my safe place and set myself up for comfort... If I still was having flashbacks I would grab my phone and use my PTSD app or use one of my grounding techniques...
If she is at school during a flashback then the grounding techniques can help and also imagining that she is back in her safe place at home can really help...!!!

5. This is something that really worked for my daughter, but she was a little younger than your daughter but it is worth mentioning... She would scream into a pillow... Hit a pillow as hard as she could or rip up scrap paper...

6. The final suggestion is to have her create a positive mantra or statement that she can play on repeat in her mind... For instance if she is feeling unsafe then... I choose to receive safety, if she was angry then... I choose to receive peace or I choose peace of mind... If she is feeling scared... I choose to receive courage or I choose to be courageous... I know it sounds corny but it really really works...!!! With this technique she can make a list of her negative emotions and then beside this list she would make a list of the exact opposite of the negative emotion, for example, sad-happy. Then with the positive emotion she would make the mantra... I choose to receive happiness... having a list of these mantras can help her feel empowered and give her tools to use in her triggered moments...

Of all these suggestions the two that helped me the most are 1 and 6... Although I have used all of them and found all of them instrumental in my healing...!!!

bonnieboo11 03/10/2016

Thank you i will try that.I try not to worry about the future but like I said I am a control freak and I am a planner, I already have Easter dinner all laid out(LOL). I don't like to wait until the last minute to do things..This situation is so far out of my control and I feel like I need to do something,well I am doing something but I don;t feel like it is enough.I just want to deal with it, put it away in a box and move on,but I feel like I cant piut it away,like it doesn't fit in the box.I have personally been through some trauma in my life,some pretty bad things but as an adult and I worked through those just fine,but his has me in a place that I don;t know and I can't get out.

lovesmama 03/10/2016

Of all the trauma I have been through as an adult and as a child...brining out my daughter was sexually abused was the worst...!!! I know this sounds silly, but it was worse than being sexually abused myself...!!! It was worse than being held at knife point and raped in high school... It was worse than all the torture I went through as a child... Finding out my daughter had been abused by my own little brother was the worst
Trauma I have ever experienced...!!!

bonnieboo11 03/10/2016

I agree it is different,worse.I was in an abusive marriage for 10 years,had my head slammed into more things that I care to remember,was embarrassed in public, lied to everyone I knew.Also during that time i was a victim of sexual assult. I got through all of that fine but this is throwing me for a loop.

heartsadx3 03/10/2016

Hey there sister big hugs!!! I'm so so sorry and know just how you feel. During bad days I had to focus my energy and thoughts to the present. I'd look at my daughter and if we were enjoying a moment of play or if she was having fun with her brothers I would make myself remember "today she is safe". I did this often to shift my thoughts away from what happened to what is happening.

In time it does get easier two years of therapy and I see a difference finally. It is true when she does better you will do better but it's a process. In the midst of counseling I had to let go of trying to figure out the future and just trust the process. I wasn't going to see anything turn around in a day. I had to carry on each day trusting that one day I would see the change and I have.

As much as you can keep away from ANY INFORMATION on the perp or perps family it will not help you to know what they are doing, saying, or thinking. It was the biggest gift to myself when I was hurting and my child was very much hurting. Plan breaks for your family when you can. We did lots of mini trips and one big trip to Disneyland not right after but a year plus later.

So focus on your side of the street and you will be okay.

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