I am so sorry. The division of a family is very hard to take. Those that believe, or don't believe, support or turn their backs. It has been over a year for us and it is still hard. In moments like these I throw myself into "replacing" that which has been lost. We have made new holiday traditions, etc.

On bad days I force myself and my children out of the house and do something we all enjoy doing. Fight the beast, so to speak. The beast being the depression, anxiety, fear, hatred, etc that is consuming you. I understand we can not turn our backs on it but we can take a break.

Learn to expect nothing form anybody. Don't expect the support and your feeling aren't hurt. If support is shone, it's an unexpected bonus.

Take it one day at a day. Even one moment at a time.

Hugs

Bonnie, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I didn't have this kind of issue, so I can't fully imagine what it's like. But I can say that from all the family situations that others here have described over the several years that I've been here, I'm not surprised. Anyone who is not the parent of an abused child does not have the ability or desire to become informed and show support and empathy for those affected. It's so much easier for them to try and keep everything status quo, rationalize, deny, make excuses, etc, so they don't have to face anything or make any efforts toward really dealing with the truth.

You are not being selfish, your daughter is a primary victim and you/her parents and siblings (if any) are secondary victims, so it's about all of you, each one of you are going thru your own individual reactions, thoughts, feelings, etc. There are only certain aspects of this that you and she can have control over. What happens with her and you are what you can choose to focus on and be proactive about. If hearing about what's happening with the offender and family is causing your focus to be pulled from your healing goals, then don't allow information about him/them to reach you. I know that's easier said than done, but this is the time for you to develop a plan to protect yourselves from damaging information and unsupportive people, and also to figure out who can and will be supportive, and only include them in your circle of trust. It's time to come up with some new and different activities to do as a family, and sometimes for just you and your daughter, that will create a more positive atmosphere, and that will be safe and comforting times and memories. You can take the power and control away from those who are causing you pain, and claim it for yourselves by excluding people, places, events, and things that are negative and replacing them with new positive people, places, events and things. It may be that sometime in the future, when you and your family have experienced some healing and strength, it may be possible to try and explain the extent of what really happened, but for right now only keep that as a remote possibility in the back of your mind, not anything that currently needs to be addressed in any way at all. I hope this helps somehow. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...

Agree with lusks1 - and also find someone you can talk to. If you don't already have a therapist, find one - especially in this initial time. We have chosen to take a cruise this year for Christmas, make positive memories - as said above, new holiday traditions. During the initial "critical" phase as I think of it, I tried to get the kids out to do something fun, keep their mind off of the horrible situation we were in.

You are never going to change their reactions, or behaviors and my thoughts are being angry is only hurting you. Try to find healthy ways to release that anger and stress. My solution was diving into to advocate for a non-profit that promotes prevention information - it is the outlet for my stress. Remove yourself and her from the situation, even if it means cutting ties with the grandparents - you have to do what is best for YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER and no one else. Sounds like your husband is on board with you, so your daughter has a great support system. It is hard to consider and think about moving on with your "new normal" life at this point, but that is what might have to happen. Good luck and know that time does make it better - but it does take time.

Just a question...is thete more to her distress and anxiety? It certinly feels like more is going on than you relayed on here. We can only sympathize and try to help but we may not be as helpful as we can be. So far the hand diwn the bouse was all i took away? Is that all of it? Perhaps more that you dont know?

I agree with everyone also. Our situation was the grandpa (step-dad) and my mom supports him fully and does not believe me so we have cut off contact from the grandparents which has been very heart breaking. My brothers also would rather go along with status quo and continue to allow their children over there. I have told them and they choose not to do anything about it. So I have cut off from them as well for now mostly for what the above said I didn't want to be hearing about my parents and all the family goings on and they were not supportive of my daughter and I. I know that if that had been their kids I would have done differently and if I can than they can so if they choose not to than to me that is a choice they are making to not support us. We have lost my entire family over this and yes it still hurts but the most important thing that I remind myself is MY DAUGHTER IS SAFE! Today she won't have to see them and she doesn't have to be around non-supportive family. I made it very clear to the non-offending family members why I was cutting off communication.

Unfortunately the grandparents are not showing support of what your daughter has gone through. If you are wanting to continue letting these people be around your children than you need to set some strong boundaries with them around what type of support you are wanting for your daughter and what they should say around her regarding the offender. If they are willing to do what it takes to make your daughter feel important and validated by believing her and being supportive of her healing great. I don't know many who would know how to do this and they may just need a very matterafact approach about it. Either way you decide what is best for you and your kids. Don't be afraid to speak your needs and see if they respond. Trust me it will be crystal clear once you've done this if these people ARE WORTH keeping in your lives. I can tell you my family was not and that was very clear to me that they would not be for my daughter they would not protect their own kids much less mine and at the end of the day they won't be there for her when she goes through tuff things...or my other kids so why would I put them in relationship with these people. No reason what so ever. Real people are worth their weight in gold and I've had a few of those in my husbands family and friends and although our family shrunk I know who I can count on and they remain in our lives today.

I'm sorry this is so hard it is completely unfair and unjust and far to common. What can we do but just keep putting one foot in front of the other doing the best we can by our kids.

Thank you all, I feel better, So far the hand down the shirt is it, but he also trapped her in a bedroom and would not let her leave. He also tried to kiss her and TRIED to go down her pants, she says she stopped that. For 2 years her squeezed her butt when they hugged goodbye.She said she always hated when we went to visit.And also in the room was his younger brother so my daughter said she was sure to run out everytime the younger boy left so she was not alone with him. So I guess that would be mental distress? mental abuse? Not sure, Now I know why she does not like small spaces. We went on a cruise and she got stuck in a bathroom stall and screamed like she was being murdered! Intense panic attack.

To put it short and sweet

We're left with Hell on earth

And this is the normal societal and familial response to this wretched act.

People can't wrap their brain around this and therefore can't believe. No matter what you do mamma, there's no changing this. We all struggle because we all face this same response in one way or another.

Guess I'm lucky that my parents, sister, and friends believed me. But my life and so much of my happiness is ruined and my kids lives a mess because CPS reacted to me the same as Ur child's grandparents. CPS came after me a "false alleger bitter in divorce".

We all get this response for uncovering a common reality...

My point being... You're not going to change the tide. This pain is yours to process. I think it's best just to accept this early on.

Accept it, but don't put up with it. Take care of yourself -- you have done nothing wrong, and you deserve a decent quality of life as you go through this process. Keep venting here as much as you like. Feel all your feelings and let them out.

Yes Naive
After the acceptance
Move on and don't put up with it

This is one of the most painful, common results from child sex abuse.

Kids are smart too at such a young age. This is one of the reasons they don't disclose. They already know that this truth will divide the family.