Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
hello, im new to this group, after 12 yrs of therapy, i am not well, i was hoping for strength , i have grown but i still am the mother of a molest child , she is now 27 and when she 15 she came forward to say her father was touching her. i fell to the floor , i had just burried my mother a week prior to finding this out. and i was 4 months pregnant with a baby that was not planned , it was a failed tubal ligation.
this monster was a retired navy vet , and was working for the us federal probation office at the time , after the word was out , police called, and cooperation with the police , he was under investigation, un beknownst to me , he molested all of my cousins , my famly kept this secret . the same day i found this out , i took a suite case and walked out of the house and lived in my car with my daughter for a day before my aunt took us in. so i went through divorce through legal aide, and bankruptsy and forclosure .
now i am back on my feet have owned a home for 9 yrs. and have a beautiful 12 yr. old who is very torn with the sister who was the victim , she is verbaly abusive and has been physicaly abusive to me , and uses her sister to talk crap about me , and to instigate problems , i had to cut her out of my life , she stole money from me that was supposed to be mine when my step father had died because she was the power of attorney . that was the final straw.
i try not to come in between them i let her talk to the oldest , but i will not allow her to travel from cleveland to michigan because she has got into sooooo many accidents and i dont want her exposed to her bipolar sister too long , i get blamed , im the heavy , im the bitch that the oldest always calls me, i have put up with so much crap from her , she wont get help and is very disturbed . i dont know how to handel this " triangle" i guess i just neeed to vent as no one has any answers to this situation
Sexual abuse of one child has a big effect on a sibling who was not abused. Likewise, the child who was abused will have a hard time relating to a sibling who has had a "normal" life. Either child is likely to feel mixed emotions toward the other -- a very complicated combination of devotion, resentment, jealousy and the desire to protect. I have seen (and heard -- often at top volume) all of these emotions expressed between my own daughters. It can tear your heart to shreds and make you feel like even more of a failure as a parent -- after all, aren't sibs "supposed" to be each other's best friend?
It sounds as if there's a good measure of love between your daughters, given their desire to be together in spite of so many differences. I am glad that you have been through therapy. Have they?
I wanted to mention that it's common for girls who have been sexually abused to be identified -- and saddled -- with a psychiatric diagnosis that points to some fundamental imbalance in their basic psyches. Instead, many of the symptoms doctors use to diagnose disorders like bipolar or borderline personality are the same as those of PTSD, which is generally treated with greater sympathy. In other words, I wonder if your older daughter has received the kind of help she truly needs to recover from her trauma.
Many members of this forum, and our children, have found almost miraculous -- or at least, highly accelerated -- comfort from a therapy called EMDR. It sounds as if you might need to engage in some kind of reconciliation effort with your eldest, though, before she might consider trying any treatment.
So, I would recommend that you try it yourself. It's completely different from the kinds of talk therapy you've probably tried. It will help you to become calmer about the triggers that lead to the blowups with your daughter. When she sees a change in you, she may be able to consider that she, too, could change and begin to feel better about herself.
While you wait for your first appointment, I hope you'll become familiar with this website, www.mosac.net. Here are a few pages from the site that I think might help you to understand the complicated relationship between your daughters; much of the information focuses on young siblings, but these complications can become cemented by adulthood without treatment:
http://www.mosac.net/page/298
http://www.mosac.net/page/154
http://www.mosac.net/page/40
http://www.mosac.net/page/34
And here's something about the long-term affects of sexual abuse on a survivor:
http://www.mosac.net/page/148
Oddly, I take it as a good sign that your oldest is "talking crap" about you with her sister. It means that she is still thinking about you, still actively trying to understand your relationship -- even if it comes out as blame. If your daughters had no contact, and no desire for any contact, I think you'd be in a much more difficult position.
I hope this helps. You're not alone in feeling caught between siblings. It is deeply painful. Hugs.
whats lacking now is a relationship with my oldest.
Thank you for the links i will certainly check them out .
sincerely maygee