Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I feel bad saying this. I have to let it out though. I am feeling angry at my daughter. Today we went to court and the report from the supervisor said that there were concerns for her father AND my behavior. Apparently, she told the supervisor that I told her she was never going to see him again. I never said that to her, because from the beginning I have been told that he will likely have supervised visitation. I don't know why she would have said that. She has also been acting out lately. I will tell her something and try to discipline her and she just stares blankly ahead. I am afraid that she is going to have mental problems like her father. I can tell from how court went today that no one really cares because they want to protect the rights of the parent...in our case...a sexual predator. My lawyer acts like this is all fine and dandy and that she should be allowed to be with a molester. He seemed irritated that I asked questions and even more irritated once he read that my daughter said I said that. I feel sick. I feel sick that I am feeling angry at her...it is like my mind wants to let go of her in case he gets unsupervised visits. I cannot believe that they said there were concerns about me. I feel like I am about to explode with anger at someone. Tonight I can't snuggle my babies. She is asking for hugs and I just want to run the other direction. My fiance is holding my youngest baby because I can't feel anyone close to me. This sucks.
I am a victim like your daughter I was also abused by my father since birth, only your daughter is much more of a hero than me because she spoke up and told about her abuse. I repressed it and continued to love my father and try so hard to please him. It wasn't until after my own daughter was abused that I found the courage to reclaim my repressed memories and remove my father from my life, 32 years he got away with it.
Because your daughter is so young she will not have the mental capacity to understand all the implications of what her father has done to her. He most likely has been grooming her for his sexual pleasure and control since she was born, just like my father did to me. Your daughter holds a lot of responsibility in her own mind as to what happened. Also she has been sexually stimulated, which as scary as this sounds, probably felt good some of the time, it is hard to hear but it is not her fault.mour bodies where made to respond to sex with pleasure, so as confusing and disgusting as it is there was some pleasure as well for her. Which makes her even more confused.
The most important thing you can do keep on loving her, keep on supporting her, and keep praising her for her honesty in coming forward with her abuse. You may not realize that your daughter is part of the very low 26% of child sexual abuse victims that actually tell on their abuser. You can be very proud to be a parent of your little hero!
My only advice right now is to remember what your child has been through and remember why she is acting out, remember that non of this is her fault or your fault. Remember who your anger should directed at, the child molester is to blame for 100% of the challenges you face today!
Your child has been manipulated, groomed, and sexually abused. There is no doubt she is suffering with the traumas she has endured and continues to have to endure thanks to our crappy "justice" system. The only oasis in all of this crap is your love for her! And as much as she rejects you and tests you, don't give up on her! With a Good trauma counselor for her and a good trauma counselor for you, you too will survive this. Mental problems should be expected given what she has gone through, but mental problems don't have to ruin your life! With enough support she will survive the worst of mental issues.
My mom gave up on me when I was 3, she moved out and left me with a sick tortured soul. Talk about mental problems, I have them all, I have complex PTsd and abandoment issues like crazy. But I now have a wonderful support system, a counselor and a naturalist if doctor and I am doing really well... So I know your daughter will survive this and be okay. She has you, a mother who would do anything to protect her, and one day when she is all grown up, she will realize how much you love her and how much you tried to protect her and she will appreciate you...!!!!!!!!
Stay strong mama, and if You don't have counsellors for you and your daughter please make that your next thing on the to do list. Because your daughter is a victim of a crime she will be able to receive free counseling through victim crime compensation. Check out your local child advocacy center for information on child counselors who specialize in sexual abuse, and make sure you like her counselor, if there is any doubt or conflicts between you and her therapist, get a new one,,! You will want to be on the same page as her counselor, because they will be a great support to you and her ,!!!
Best of luck and keep coming here to vent . Don't feel bad you have so much anger, life should not be this hard,! It is the worst thing any family could ever have to go through,so be sensitive with yourself and your daughter. You both deserve all the love that you have for each other!!!
I remember something my daughter used to do after her abuse had begun -- I didn't know she was being abused at the time, but in hindsight I remember seeing THIS: whenever I would get really upset about something she had done, she would start straight ahead, and the light would go out in her eyes -- I called it a "dead" look, as if she was just standing there and "taking it." It was as if she simply could not take one more negative moment. Now I recognize this as a type of dissociating -- it's probably how she got through those torture sessions with that monster. He got angry and yelled at her too, and hit her (I NEVER spanked or slapped my children). This "dead" look was her reaction to anger. I am SO sorry that this is happening with your daughter, and at the same time, it is really validating -- I had never seen anyone else mention this besides you. It terrified me at the time -- I thought, am I doing something horribly wrong, by becoming angry with my child? Isn't it normal for parents occasionally to become annoyed and exasperated with a child -- who refuses to do chores, etc.???? It literally looked as if anger was killing her soul.
Why would your daughter say what she did? Not because YOU told her that, but because HE told her that: "Mommy will probably say that she will never let you see me again if you tell her." Goddam. The truth is, he is RIGHT -- you should never let her see him again!! But she is parroting what he said, and putting it in your mouth because she is trying to put it in some kind of context.
As for anger -- forgive yourself and start over. You're not angry with HER, you're so flipping overwhelmed by all of this that just seeing her reminds you of how devastating this is, and probably of how angry you are with yourself for not knowing. We ALL go through this, however irrational it may be.
You are going to need to give your daughter every bit of gentleness you can spare at the moment. Her acting out, etc., are all part of her PTSD, trying to make sense of what makes no sense, compounded by the fear and justifiable fury she feels about her abuse. Quiet yourself with a deep breath or two before responding to her behavior. Validate her feelings by noting that it sounds/looks as if she is feeling really angry -- she may be having trouble finding the words for her feelings. It's also an opportunity to let her know that you feel the same way. Instead of time outs, etc., hold her close and allow her to yell or cry it all out. Knowing that you still love and accept her at this time is particularly important because you can bet he has tried to put a wedge between her and you with his manipulations. When she acts out, maybe you could say, "Instead of hitting me, let's hit a couple of pillows together. As you punch the pillows, you can say what you're angry about, and perhaps this will encourage her to do the same. She needs to release this pain, and you can help her do so in a way that will hurt no one, and may help her put some of that pain into words.
Okay, lights out. BE WELL -- this is a nightmare, and you are doing a good job of putting your daughter's needs up front.
I'm glad your gonna look for a counselor for you... I got really really really bad before I decided I couldn't do it alone and went for a counselor... It was about 6 months post my daughters disclosure that I finally found support for me, but Im not exaggerating in saying I wouldn't be here today had I not gone for that support. The weight of this crime is to heavy to bare alone. And even with the most supportive and loving of friends I still needed a counselor!
I pray you find the most amazing and helpful counselor there is to be found and that you begin to put your healing into your list of priorities... Your daughter will look to you on how to overcome this great travesty. and if she sees you preserver, forgive yourself, and take good care of yourself she will follow in your footsteps.
After all kids are like little sponges and they will feel our energy even if we don't use words to express ourselves they somehow just know how we feel and they feel it too.
I'm glad your gonna look for a counselor for you... I got really really really bad before I decided I couldn't do it alone and went for a counselor... It was about 6 months post my daughters disclosure that I finally found support for me, but Im not exaggerating in saying I wouldn't be here today had I not gone for that support. The weight of this crime is to heavy to bare alone. And even with the most supportive and loving of friends I still needed a counselor!
I pray you find the most amazing and helpful counselor there is to be found and that you begin to put your healing into your list of priorities... Your daughter will look to you on how to overcome this great travesty. and if she sees you preserver, forgive yourself, and take good care of yourself she will follow in your footsteps.
After all kids are like little sponges and they will feel our energy even if we don't use words to express ourselves they somehow just know how we feel and they feel it too.
As absolutely hideous as your situation is, thank the Lord that your daughter's healing begins now, when she can grow into her strength and power. My daughter spent her post-abuse years quietly making worse and worse decisions -- she had learned to hide her problems so well. ALL THAT WASTED TIME!!! I could have been a much more effective mom if I had known the source of her odd, little dysfunctions early on.