Hi guys.  I thought it was time for me to update on our reunification of our oldest son, the cancer patient, to the rest of our family.

First of all, lately there is a feeling of normalacy like there never has been before.  That being said, it took a LOT of hard work, therapy, prayer, fights, tears and safety plans, not to mention humble, repentant children and a whole year to have that happen!  Now, I say children because it has come out more and more that my daughter was the agressor most of the time, acting out due to all the abuse she'd endured from monster boy.  My oldest son had always used the word "temptress" to describe her but because we were so angry in the beginning and honestly had no clue how bad the story with monster boy would unfold, we always dismissed this.  Recently, he shared with me that my daughter straight up asked my him to have sex with her!  As we were talking, he said "mom, I'm worried that means that someone else DID do that to her!  I never did...I promise."  He doesn't know the whole story of monster boy just that his sister had been sexually abused by him.  That talk lead to him breaking down crying realizing what his sister had actually gone through and feeling so guilty for having ever done anything with her.  It broke my heart!  He was in therapy the whole year he was out of state with a Christian sexual addiction specialist.  This therapist has given his complete blessing for him to move back into our home!  This is a huge weight lifted off of our shoulders because we weren't sure how the therapist thing would go.  Interestingly enough, when I had the big talk about reunifying with his therapist, the guy told me three things he encouraged me to do for our son that would keep everyone "safe."  1)  Give my son his own space so others wouldn't get into his stuff (Always has been done with him having his own room.)  2)  Get him involved with other kids his age (He was concerned because our relatives had not done that along with him being homeschooled and he was lonely.  Well, out here, it's always been the norm to have friends your own age, homeschooled or not!)  3)  Get my son to talk more seriously with his dad.  (Our pastor was already working on my husband to do this so done!  They usually play around more than talk serious.)  I was SHOCKED, to say the least, that THESE sere the "safety" recomendations he had for our son to move back home!  But, you know, it speaks well for my son's character because he was honest about many things with this guy, including crying about cancer and losing his best friend (monster boy's older brother) and learning about his siblings being abused so I know that this is really all that's needed...aside from our safety plan protocol.  Our son will continue therapy out here for as long as we think he needs to.  ;o)

So, anyways, my son has basically been living with us like normal except for bedtime.  He and my husband currently sleep at my mom's house until we finish getting our home in the safe order we feel is prepared to handle him under our roof again.  NOT that we think anything would ever happen again but we want to be above reproach especially because monster boy's family kept throwing blame onto him about all the sexual abuse of his siblings!  We got our locking screen door up in the kitchen doorway so that at night WE have control over if he comes to the side of the house where his sister is sleeping and visa versa.  Both he and my daughter follow our basic rules like not being on the same side of the house alone together (even brushing teeth), when there's one adult in charge and they have to go to the restroom one of them comes and sits outside the door and talks to the parent, he is not allowed in her room at all (she wants her room to be boy-free except daddy),  no tickling or rough housing (it's actually a trigger for my little guy right now anyways,) only respectful conversation, being understanding if she asks him to leave the room due to a panic attack (which hasn't happened yet!) and they don't sit next to each other in the car.  Honestly, these things are so 2nd nature now that we don't have to remind anyone normally and they still give each other hugs and she sits next to him when he's reading to the little kids and stuff.  It's not stressful is what I'm trying to share, it's just re-learned normal.  We don't fully trust our son yet but we forgive him and treat him as though he will make wise choices (knowing that there's never a moment when he COULD fail and us not know!)

Another big thing that has become apparent is that my daughter is starting to see her brother as someone who's going to protect her again rather than hurt her.  She is being more vulnerable about her struggles with anxiety instead of trying to hide it.  She's not advertising it or anything but when she's struggling, she has no problem saying "I'm struggling, please stay away."  She is so happy to have her big brother back...like for reals!  You must understand that they have a very special bond to begin with because when my 2nd son was really sick, she was only 10 months old and spent a year being shipped around to various family and friends with her big brother while I stayed in the hospital with the middle sick kid.  She has always looked up to him and enjoyed his company and they are going back to normal in their interactions...normal BEFORE inappropriate touching!  She even said she talked with her therapist about him moving back home.  (That's another thing that has to happen for us to feel comfortable having him move back in: ALL therapists have to be o.k. with it.)  She's also shared with me that she asked God to forgive her for making advances...she had been feeling a LOT of guilt to the point of not praying!  Now she prays and seems so much happier.  Her therapist even said, the first day I met her and shared that she and her brother had been inappropriate with each other that "it's normal for children to act out on others what they've already been experiencing themselves."  THAT was her first response to me sharing this!  People are finally starting to see that monster boy was the big issue and my son was a fraction of the problem.  Also, my daughter has not had any PTSD related episodes in regards to her brother or him being around in general.  It also helps, even though it makes me horribly angry, that he gained 100 pounds while living with relatives because they said it's "normal for growing teenage boys to eat a lot and gain weight."  Yeah, it hasn't helped his ability to get back to normal physically after a year of chemo...it's made my job harder in that realm!  But anyways...he's different looking, that's what I was getting at.

CPS update: I actually called them again at the end of June and reported all the new disclosures since the time our case had been "closed" per the victim's advocate's advice.  Our detective even called to find out if we'd have another case opened with them and they said "no" that they already have the perp (monster boy) and victims (my 3 children) on file and that since our children were safe we did not not need their services.

Aside from therapist's signing off on reunification, all I need to do is have a huge garage sale to open up one room and organise and store somewhere else the items we have in our pretend "garage" back room (we only have sheds at the back of our 3/4 acres so during this time we were too tired to take it all the way back there and just put it in the back room.)  We also need to put up the cameras.  The garage sale room will be my oldest son's new room and the back room will be for my two little guys.  We will have the three kids that still wake up at night on our side of the locking screen door and we wanted it to be screen so that way if my 2nd son, also a abuse victim and special needs even though he's almost 13, needs us, he can easily call for us through the door and we'll hear him.  We also have a walkie-talkie style baby monitor in his room, right now where all three boys are sleeping (bunkbed and a crib.)  My hand, (remember I cut with a knife during an avacado pit fight?), is ALMOST healed.  Hopefully by the first week of August I can have a huge rummage sale!  Then I'll be able to work on the back room better too!  I hate that my hand isn't in normal functioning order.  :o\

 I know most people view reunification as an untouchable idea but I really want to encourage any of you, especially those who have your own children as the perps and suspect that they too were sexually abused, to not dismiss the idea.  There is healing.  Right after disclosures, my husband and I were SO angry at our son!  We truly wanted to hurt him and never see him again.  But after he moved away and we had more time to process, forgive, grieve, learn about monster boy, etc., every 3 months he visited to do cancer scans we slowly started to reintegrate as a family.  We let our daughter lead the way.  The boys we allowed to stay the night at my mom's house and we've not had any problems with that at all.  As a matter of fact, my 4 year old who normally wakes up every night, actually slept through the night over there in the same room as my son and husband just yesterday!  Sorry, I got off track.  So, we started slow, meeting at public places to eat, coming in two cars so that if she needed to leave I could take her home.  Then traveling in one car with me sitting right beside her and him in front next to dad.  Then, allowing him to visit our home again, staying in the living room or front yard.  Then family dinner again.  Then having him come over for a few hours during the day to do fun stuff.  We just kept rebuilding the bonds properly...re-training the brain to remember before the abuse occurred.  And because they both wanted it, both were sorry, both were submissive to our safety plan, it's worked out well!  And of course, my husband and I were on the same page.  If your family has been destroyed because of sexual abuse, don't just give up hope!  Don't throw the baby our with the bath water!  When kids are young, they make VERY stupid mistakes but CAN learn to not do it again.  My son was 15 and his sister was 8 when this happened.  Now, this rule does not always apply...example: monster boy!  I wouldn't let him around my kids EVER again, even if he was our child!  But weigh your personal situation, allow yourself time to work through the emotions of reaction, and THEN carefully decide if being back under one roof is worth it.  Remember, I have 2 kids with PTSD and 1 with anxiety OCD and bringing my oldest back has NOT made it worse but actually better.  The kids feel safer with their brother around again.  The stress levels have lessened.  They know he's sorry and everyone has forgiven him.

Anways, that's one mom's journey with reunification!  I'll keep updating this as things move forward.  God be with you in your difficult decision making.